Our Divorce Mediation Blog

Family HOlidays and Divorce

11/24/2017

Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, oh my! With the start of the winter holiday season, many divorcing couples come face to face with family and old friends, and they wonder how to break the news that they are going through a divorce. While it may feel overwhelming, it does not have to be.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we explain to our divorce mediation clients that divorce is not the problem. It is the solution to the problem of a relationship breaking down. So, you can try to see it as a positive step forward towards reshaping your lives and minimizing conflict and stress.

That said, divorce is often an emotional process, and the fact that you are seeing family and friends may be an occasion to find support among people who care about you. Since almost everyone knows someone who has gone through divorce mediation or litigation, you are likely to find a sympathetic ear. And if you rather not talk about it, that’s fine too – your divorce does not have to define your interactions with others.

This Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas may be an opportunity for you to change up your old traditions to reflect the changes in your family or a chance to start new ones. It can be the time your friends and family help you find your new path.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

MORE THAN MEDIATION

11/10/2017

Any professional that tells you they can do it all for you regarding your divorce, may also have a bridge to sell you. Don’t fall for it. A good lawyer is a good lawyer, not a good forensic accountant. A good divorce mediator is just that and not a good real estate agent. An understanding divorce attorney is not the same as a good therapist. I encourage my clients to not depend on just one professional to get a divorce. I may be the best divorce mediator that ever was, but that does not mean I know what your house is worth. When getting a divorce it is important to tap into professionals regarding all the areas of your divorce and seek out their expertise.

If you are concerned that your spouse is hiding money then hire a forensic accountant. You are not going to lose out on anything by using a mediator versus using an attorney. The attorney will refer you to a forensic accountant and so will the mediator. If you don’t believe Zillow regarding the sale price of your home then hire an appraiser or get a market analysis done by a local real estate agent. Don’t rely on your attorney or mediator to do these things for you. The term “stay in your lane” comes to mind. Each professional should do what s/he does best and not try to do someone else’s job.

Using a divorce mediator can save you significant money, take less time and decrease the stress of the divorce process. But a mediator does not do it all for you. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, during the first meeting we explain exactly what we can and cannot do for you and offer direction towards other professionals you may need to complete this process. We just don’t leave you hanging out to dry. We know who and what it takes to get divorced. We have a lot of collateral contacts in the area. So if you are in need of a service we do not provide we can give you the names of real estate agents, forensic accountants, therapists, etc., who can help.

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

The Hot-Button issue of Alimony

10/27/2017

Alimony is often a hot-button issue in divorce mediation, and the discussion can get very emotional. In many cases, one spouse feels that he or she deserves more money for a longer period while the other wants to pay less money for a shorter time. Also, while the goal is to even things out for some period of time to reflect the lifestyle of the marriage, the couple may also disagree on what kind of lifestyle they had. For example, if this past year was particularly good or bad, how should that factor into the calculation. Luckily, in divorce mediation, we are used to difficult discussions. And we can guide divorcing couples with somewhat competing interests to reach an agreement.

Determining the amount and time period of spousal support or alimony requires a balancing of factors – the length of the marriage, the parties’ age, health, income and ability to earn, etc. Because there is no one set formula, divorce mediators can help couples come up with creative solutions. For example, for our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we sometimes create a plan where the amount of spousal support changes over time, giving the receiving person some opportunity to establish himself/herself financially. Also, in our financial plans, we balance spousal support with the distribution of assets and debts to come up a fair allocation for both people. Alimony has tax consequences and also impacts child support, so it’s important to have a financial agreement that works for the whole family.

Coming up with a plan for alimony that makes everyone feel comfortable can be tricky, but it is doable. For more information on spousal support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

dividing assets in a divorce

10/13/2017

One area that has to be addressed in a divorce is division of your assets and debts. What is happening to your house, 401(k), IRA, pension, stocks, investments, bank accounts, credit card debt, mortgage, student loans, car loan, etc. Anything and everything dealing with your finances is addressed. It can seem overwhelming but the divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, help you break it down in to smaller, more manageable steps. Some people choose to look at all of their assets and debts and split each and every one in half. That is very doable. But this is not your only option.

One of the great positives about divorce mediation is that you can develop a financial plan that works for you. You don’t have to split every asset or debt down the middle. One person may want to keep the house and one person wants to keep all of his/her pension (and the values are somewhat similar). When you have multiple investment accounts you can each keep a whole of several accounts and divide only one of them to balance out the bottom line. What can’t happen is that one person keeps all the assets and one person gets stuck with all the debt. At the end of the day when looking at the big picture if the numbers of all of your assets and debt and all of the other person’s assets and debts are close to one another then you have a plan for your financial future.

But you also have to think about your cash flow. In order to keep 100% of your pension for the future you may be giving up another asset that you could tap into for cash right now. Will your post-divorce budget allow that? And you have to keep in mind the tax implication for the assets that you are keeping or giving up. Or the interest rate on the debts that you are keeping or giving up. There is a lot to consider and that is why some people choose to just divide everything down the middle. But you don’t have to.

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

moving forward in a fair and sensible way

9/29/2017

Divorce mediation helps clients resist the impulse to give in to unreasonable demands just to “get it all over with”. Most people who decide to get divorced take a while to reach the point where they are ready. And in many cases, by the time people decide that they are ready to pursue a divorce, they are worn down or overwhelmed. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we find that divorcing couples are anxious about how they are going set up a new life. With all this uncertainty and stress, it can be difficult to work together to create a future plan.

A key benefit of divorce mediation is that we break the divorce process down into manageable steps, so it is no longer as overwhelming. Moreover, divorce mediators help you through it, so you don’t have to figure everything out on your own. The mediator’s job is to serve as an impartial guide through an often emotional process.

Divorce mediators ensure that the process is fair and complete – so that both parties’ interests are met. We work with you to avoid the bad agreements that are made when one person gives in just because he or she is tired of arguing. The mediation sessions focus on the future, rather than on the reasons that the relationship has broken down. Indeed, because the parenting and financial agreements have far-reaching consequences, it is important to think beyond the past and the present to design a plan that will work for both of you and your family going forward.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

The Internet IS A Wonderful Thing

9/15/2017

The Internet is a wonderful thing. You can find almost anything about anything on it. There is a lot of information out there about divorce. Many of our clients find us on the Internet. Sometimes clients find us when they were looking for something else regarding their divorce but then stumble across the concept of mediation and are intrigued. Many people that get divorced really do want mediation but don’t know that they want it because they have never heard of it. But they do want a low cost, more amicable way to get divorced. When I am speaking to someone on the phone for the first time I often ask how they heard of Westfield Mediation, LLC. The caller usually seems embarrassed to admit that they found us on the Internet and sounds relieved when I tell them that many people find us online.

Once you know that you want to use a divorce mediator the Internet can be useful in finding a good divorce mediator. It is helpful to look at different mediator’s websites. This can be a valuable source of practical information but also help you decide who would be a good fit for your needs. You want to read any available reviews from colleagues and prior clients. You want to find the phone number so you can call and actually speak with your mediator. Or you may want to send an email to start the process.

The Internet also helps immensely with communication. One of the key differential factors of mediation versus litigation is that spouses communicate directly with one another instead of through their attorneys. So email is a tool made for divorce mediation. It allows the mediator to have a multi-person conversation about scheduling the next meeting, changes to the proposed plan, clarify a question, etc., quickly and directly with both parties at the same time. There are no hidden conversations. Everyone is aware of all contact going on. This helps to build trust and communication skills, things parents will need as they co-parent post-divorce. There are also divorce apps which help facilitate your post-divorce life.

So much information is out there. How did we ever find out stuff before the Internet?

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Child support for grown children

9/1/2017

Most states have a legal limit for “emancipation” – the date when parents are no longer legally required to support their children. It can be based on an age or on an event like getting married, joining the military or graduating from college.

But, in reality, not all kids are magically able to support themselves once they hit that date. So how do you create a divorce agreement to cover the expenses for that time period when your kids age out of child support, but are still not financially self-sufficient?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we have many divorce mediation clients who continue to support their children in some way after the legal age of emancipation. Sometimes, the divorcing parents still pay for some bills – like those for cell phones, car insurance, health insurance. In other cases, the kids still live with one parent or the other, rent-free, so the parent is covering both housing and food.

In each of these scenarios, we help the divorcing parents come to an agreement about how to deal with these ongoing expenses. In some cases, we may divide the costs between the parties, or put limits on time frames or amounts. Our goal is to create a parenting plan that is fair to both sides and that is financially practical for the family.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

domestic violence and divorce mediation

8/21/2017

Divorce mediation can work well for many people. It helps couples reach decisions on all areas in their divorce agreement- parenting plan, division of assets and debts, child support, alimony, etc. It can be done quickly, privately and for significantly less money compared to litigation. However, sometimes, in order to best serve our clients, we will not work with a couple even if they want to choose mediation.

The other day I got two phone calls, one from the husband and then one immediately following from the wife. It came to light that they currently have a restraining order in place and there were recent incidents of domestic violence. I explained to both of them that while I appreciated their enthusiasm for wanting to resolve their divorce through mediation it does not mean that I would see them as clients. The issue of safety is paramount-- both for the mediator and the clients. I don’t feel safe being in a small office with two people who a judge recently said should not even be near one another

Additionally when there has been domestic violence the power dynamic in the couple shifts, making it difficult for each party to have equal input into the decision making process. With a history of domestic violence usually one person is dominant in the relationship and the other submissive. It is hard to stick up for yourself if you are scared of the other person. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help both parties have input into the life-altering decisions you are both making for your separate futures. Even if there has not been domestic violence but it is obvious during the mediation process that only person has say regarding decisions, we recommend stopping mediation and seeking an attorney who can advocate for the silent person’s needs. You need someone to stand up for you if you are unable to do so on your own behalf.

So, while divorce mediation works well for a large majority of people who walk through our door, every now and then we have to stop you before you even start.

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Post-divorce Mediation

8/4/2017

Sometimes the divorce decree is not the final stop for divorcing spouses, and clients need Post-Divorce Mediation. While this may feel like a setback, it is actually pretty common. So, what are the reasons that already-divorced couples go to mediation?

In some cases, one or both of the exes are having trouble following the agreement, and they return to mediation in the hopes of working through their issues with a divorce mediator instead of returning to court. Indeed, the court prefers mediation to continuing litigation. In many settlement agreements, divorced couples are required to try to resolve their differences through mediation before the court will allow them to return.

Another reason for post-divorce mediation is that the needs of children have changed, and the parents want to modify the schedule, the parenting plan and/or child support. Obviously, it is not always possible to predict how your children’s interests will change over time, and sometimes the original plan for them must be modified. Moreover, if clients move to a new location or change jobs, parenting plans may need to be adjusted. In addition, major changes to income from either employment or inheritance also lead divorce mediation clients back to the drawing board to re-work spousal support, child support or both.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with clients to make their post-divorce mediation sessions as painless and productive as possible. We recognize that many clients are frustrated to find themselves still working on their divorce, and we help guide them through this bump in the road. By using mediation rather than litigation to resolve post-divorce issues, clients can reduce their stress, and save time and money.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

divorce mediation portrayed on tv

7/21/2017

Television doesn’t present divorce mediation exactly right. There are two examples that come to mind. In 2014 there was an unfortunate series on Bravo called “Untying the Knot” promoting itself as divorce mediation reality show. In each episode a high net-worth couple seeks the assistance of the mediator to help them divide their stuff/finances.    They each plead to the mediator why s/he should get what s/he wants and then the mediator crunches some numbers and tells them how they will divide the assets in question. This is not mediation. A mediator is neutral and never makes decisions for the couple. I stopped watching it after two episodes because it made me sick to my stomach that this is how divorce mediation is being represented to a national audience.
At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our experienced mediators make it clear from the first meeting that mediators do not make decisions for the couple about anything. A mediator can explain how other couples have handled similar situations but never says here is my decision and this is how it is going to be for you. The couple is in control of their new futures. No decisions are thrust upon them.
The other show is Divorce, currently on HBO, with Sarah Jessica Parker and Thomas Haden Church. This portrayal of divorce mediation was somewhat more accurate and the characters had good intentions with one another to make mediation work for their divorce. Unfortunately, the mediator gives the couple a giant notebook of homework and asks them to assess all of their finances immediately after their first meeting. This is an unrealistic task and was probably done to further the storyline. While there is a lot of ground to cover in a divorce, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we break the big process into smaller, more manageable steps. We do not throw the whole ball of wax at you at once. As predicted, Thomas Haden Church gets overwhelmed, panics and hires a lawyer instead of attending the second mediation meeting. Fortunately, the mediator appropriately maintained her neutrality and refused to speak about the issues with Sarah Jessica Parker’s character when the husband did not show up for their second meeting.
The reality of divorce mediation can be a lot less stressful and more manageable than the television version.   For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.