Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

LISTS CAN BE SO HELPFUL

5/6/2022

Lists can be so helpful. They can guide you, act as a reminder of tasks to be completed and give you a goal to accomplish. One of the goals that most people have when getting a divorce is to financially separate from one another as much as possible. Separate into two household with two sets of bills. Each goes to the grocery store and buys his/her own food. Each pay for the gas in his/her own car. Each pay for his/her own haircuts. What are we doing with the house, mortgage and credit card debt? And the list goes on and on. You eventually want it so that you keep track of your bank account/retirement fund/investments/credit card statements/etc. and what goes in and out of these accounts and I will do the same for mine. But how do you reach this point? During the course of your marriage all of these finances were intertwined. There was ours- not mine and yours.

During the course of divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help clients address all of these issues so they can make decisions for their new futures. And we use concrete lists and questionnaires to help you. We help you break down these tasks into smaller, more manageable steps over time. Yes, there are choices to make, but you do not have to make them all at once.

There are decisions that need to be made about your children and a parenting plan. So, we developed a parenting questionnaire to help you focus the conversation about these decisions that need to be made. We have a list of holidays that you may want to divide. We have a chart to help you map out a month of parenting time. We have tools for your financial future as well. We created a list of financial documents you will need as well as a financial questionnaire to help guide the conversation about how to divide your marital assets and debts. We also have a spreadsheet and a budget form so you can see your entire portfolio and financial budget in real terms on paper. This concreteness really helps guide the financial decision-making process.

It feels so good to check things off your list and move on to the next task. By the end of the divorce mediation process you will have checked off so many of the tasks needed to get divorced. These tools of lists, questionnaires and charts are concrete ways to help you move from ours to yours and mine. And the divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, can provide you with these tools to help you get there.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

How to Use the First Session of Mediation

4/22/2022

The first session of divorce mediation is an introduction to the process. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we use this time to explain the divorce process in New Jersey (including the difference between a contested and uncontested divorce), how divorce mediation works and our practice’s approach to mediation.

For potential clients, it is an opportunity to present the facts about their situation and ask any questions. While there is no commitment required, sometimes clients use the time as their first step in divorce mediation and start planning for later sessions. Other divorcing couples use the intro session solely for information gathering and deciding if divorce mediation is the right path for them, and if it is, whether this is the right time to move forward.

To get the most out of the first session, clients should consider beforehand whether they have any questions and what are the key issues for them. Participating actively in this meeting will make it the most worthwhile. For example, they may want to know what the options are for selling or keeping their home. Clients also often have concerns about alimony – how it is calculated and what is required. If they have specific problems that have already arisen - for example, one partner is spending all the joint monies or has mental health issues that interfere with their ability to parent, or one party has immigration concerns that will be impacted by divorce - this session is a great place to discuss these topics and start developing plans to address them.

Sometimes, clients decide to continue divorce mediation while working through their outside issues. For example, they may decide to place their home on the market while in mediation. Other times, they feel it makes more sense for them to create a more stable set-up at home before moving forward. There is no set timetable to mediation, so there is a lot of flexibility for deciding how to proceed. Clients can take a break from the process at any time, and then return whenever they feel ready to move forward.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

I THOUGHT THE WHOLE POINT OF USING A MEDIATOR IS SO I WONT HAVE TO USE AN ATTORNEY

4/8/2022

“I thought the whole point of using a mediator is so I won’t have to use an attorney,” say many of our clients. And you can choose to get divorced without using attorneys. You can fill out all the court paperwork yourself and represent yourself in court (known as being “pro se”). This is absolutely legal. Still, the mediators at Westfield Mediation recommend that clients use a divorce attorney, but in a more limited role, known as a review attorney. A review attorney is part of your divorce team, rather than your sole (and costly) support in the divorce process. A review attorney is there when you have a question about something in between meetings with the divorce mediator.

An important difference between a mediator and a review attorney is that a mediator is neutral and does not support or oppose a position that you take. A mediator helps you address all the issues in your divorce -- a parenting plan which includes child custody, allocation of your marital assets and debts, child support and spousal support. But a mediator does not take sides or give advice. A divorce attorney is your legal advocate and can inform you about the law and what is in your best interest in your particular situation.

The example I always give clients concerns spousal support, which used to be known as alimony. The couple may decide that there will be no alimony. I explain that if you decide there will be no alimony now it is a very hard, if not impossible, decision to change in the future and encourage each spouse to speak with his/her attorney about this issue. What they may not realize is what they are giving up/expect to pay. After being equipped with this information, each spouse is better prepared to return to mediation to have an informed, productive conversation about this issue and reach a resolution. So, a ten-minute conversation with your attorney allows you to move the process along with the mediator, making educated decisions about your new future.

Of course, attorneys are an additional expense. Many people want to use a mediator because it is a significantly lower-cost alternative to litigation and they don’t want to spend their money on divorce lawyers. The adage “penny-wise, pound foolish” comes to mind. You are saving $2,500 now by not retaining a lawyer but you may well be unknowingly giving up lots more than that in future spousal support.

Ultimately the choice is yours. You can choose to use a review attorney or not. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, the mediators are able to share a list of review attorneys in the area who know our work and are not out to gouge you or make you start the process from scratch. They understand that you have chosen to go through mediation and made some compromises in your divorce agreement, but will still advise you of your legal rights and help complete all of the court paperwork and accompany you to court.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Sharing the Facts in Mediation

3/25/2022

For divorce mediation to work, the clients need to share the facts.

In divorce mediation, a neutral mediator guides the divorcing couple through the process to create a divorce agreement that works for their family. For this process to be successful, the clients must actively participate in the discussion, complete assignments and collect all the required financial information. The clients play important roles in educating the mediator about their family dynamics and their financial situation. In many ways, the mediator has to base her guidance on the information that the clients choose to share. In other words, to some extent, she only knows what the clients tell her.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, to gather the necessary information from our clients, the mediators give assignments and ask relevant questions. But the clients have to choose to reveal important information about their lives for the process to work. For example, if one parent works 100 hours a week, that would be a key fact to know for crafting the parenting plan. Similarly, if either party is in a new relationship, or has mental or physical health issues, these are important considerations for deciding how best to move forward.

On the financial side, the parties have to share information about investments or accounts. Actual financial statements work best in educating the mediator (and sometimes the other spouse as well) about different assets, liabilities and sources of income. And if divorcing spouses share only tax information that is incomplete, the mediator will not be able to calculate child support and alimony that reflects the family’s actual financial situation.

This is not to say that in mediation you need to share everything about your personal lives. We do not need to know about all of the disagreements that led you to seek divorce. Just that now that you are seeking a divorce, the mediator (and sometimes an unknowing spouse) needs to know about those aspects of your lives that are relevant to helping you create an agreement that is both fair and practicable.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

SECOND SATURDAY AND DIVORCE MEDIATION

3/11/2022

I was recently asked to be part of the panel for the program Second Saturday. It is a national program that started in California and has local chapters throughout the country. You can read more about the national program here. There was a lot of information shared during the meeting and the attendees seemed interested in learning more about everything. The attendee’s realization that divorce is a process with many facets was my main takeaway from this type of program. And how each support person serves a vital role.

So much valuable information was shared in a relatively short amount of time about such a wide variety of divorce topics: divorce mediation, the legal process, court, finances, insurance, parenting, spousal support and child support. The program reinforced the idea that while it can be extremely helpful to use a divorce mediator to make decisions and arrive at a divorce agreement to address all of the aforementioned issues (and so much more), clients must recognize that mediation is not a one-stop shop that can meet all your needs. While divorce mediation can be your main stop along the way, we can also direct you to the other stops that may be needed when getting a divorce.

The professional divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, have a list of various collateral professionals who should be a part of your divorce team. For example, you may need a real estate agent for a market analysis of your home. We have a list of real estate agents to help you with this. You may need a tax professional to review the tax implications of your divorce agreement. We have a list of tax professionals to help you with this. You may need a financial advisor who can provide guidance about how to divide your marital assets. We have a list of financial advisors who can help you with this. You may need a review attorney who can advise you of your legal rights, complete all the court paperwork and accompany you to court. We have a list of review attorneys to help you with this. You may need a therapist for yourself and/or your family members. And guess what? We have a list of therapists to help you.

When going through a divorce the divorce mediator can be your main point person, but not necessarily your only one. We will direct you elsewhere as needed.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at http://www.westfieldnjmediation.com/ or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

What to Expect in Divorce Mediation

2/25/2022

Sometimes it is easiest for prospective clients to understand what divorce mediation is like, by learning more about what divorce mediation is not. Divorce mediation is a process where couples attend together (either in-person or virtually) and work together over a few sessions to create an agreement on parenting, division of assets and debts, child support and alimony. An impartial mediator guides the couple through the process. At the end of mediation, the divorcing couple leaves with a Memorandum of Understanding that lays out their agreement.

This definition means that divorce mediation is not therapy or a place to work on the issues that led the couple to decide to divorce. Rather, it is a forum for crafting a practical plan for the future. While sessions may become emotional sometimes, mediation is primarily a forward-looking process rather than a backward-looking one.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, the mediator’s role in this process is to guide the clients in their decision-making by listening to their goals and asking questions that they may not have considered on their own. The divorce mediator may take steps to ensure that both spouses have a voice in crafting the plan and that the ultimate agreement is fair and equitable to both parties. However, the mediator remains neutral throughout the sessions. She is not there to take sides. In addition, it is not her role to act like a judge and decide how the couple should proceed.

This dynamic allows the clients to have control over their own plan and tailor it to their family’s specific needs. Moreover, divorce mediation has the added benefit of fostering cooperation so that ex-spouses learn how to work together toward agreement. In general, people are more likely to follow a plan that they helped draft than one that was foisted upon them by the Court.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

QDRO AND RETIREMENT ACCOUNTS

2/11/2022

When you go through the divorce mediation process, you cover all the areas of your divorce agreement. You come up with a custody arrangement with your parenting plan. You figure out all the financials like who is keeping the house, what is happening with your joint credit cards and bank accounts, how are you dividing your retirement accounts, etc. You figure out if alimony, now known as spousal support, is a factor. And you calculate a child support payment. All of that is done within the process of mediation. And it is a lot to accomplish in four to six one-hour meetings.

But then there is the execution of these agreements that is done outside of mediation. You have to go to the bank and close/change the joint account. You have to call the credit card company. And so on and so on. One very important task is to file a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO) if needed to divide your pension or retirement fund. This document will be filed with the court and becomes a court order that directs your retirement fund plan administrator to now direct funds to you and your ex-spouse, not just you, in accordance with your divorce agreement. You should always double check with your retirement plan administration to see if a QDRO is needed if you are dividing up any of a spouse’s retirement monies. The QDRO is a multi-step process and should be done by a professional to avoid any mistakes, which can be financially costly. In the mediation business you hear urban legends of the spouse who DIYed a QDRO and it cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars in taxes and penalties.

The mediators at Westfield Mediation, LCC, have helped hundreds of people successfully address their new futures. And while we do not help with the creation and filing of a QDRO, we can direct you to qualified people who do help. This is not a detail that you want done incorrectly or overlooked all together. While you can get a majority of the steps of your divorce resolved in divorce mediation with the support of your divorce mediator, there are some things that only you can do outside of mediation.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Moving Out During Divorce

1/28/2022

Generally, during the divorce process, at least one person moves out of the shared home. Sometimes both spouses agree to sell the house and move; and sometimes one stays while the other relocates. The upheaval that comes with changing one’s living space can be stressful at the best of times. These days with Covid concerns, there are also additional factors to consider including the tight real estate market and the fact that so many people are working from home. In divorce mediation, we anticipate these stressors, and help couples develop flexible, practical plans for going forward with their lives.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, a neutral mediator helps each couple work together on a plan for moving on. The spouse who is leaving needs a new home, possibly one that can serve as an at-home office and accommodate the children during his/her parenting time. If one person is staying and one leaving, we sometimes devise a plan for the parties to continue to own the home together for a designated period of time – e.g., a set number of years or perhaps until the kids finish high school. In addition, we make arrangements for getting the person who is leaving their share of the equity in the home so that they have the resources they need to find a new place to live.

We often counsel people that their first new home after leaving the marital residence may just be an interim stop. They may need some time for their schedules and finances to stabilize. At that point, they will be better situated to find a more suitable choice for the long-term. Indeed, this need for an interim housing plan may be even more common now when there are fewer homes available for rent or sale in some markets. For many people, recognizing in mediation that their first home post-divorce is not necessarily their last makes the move feel much less overwhelming.

For more information about housing plans or other aspects of divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!

1/14/2022

What goes around comes around. This can certainly be true in your relationship with your once spouse/now co-parent. As you start to discuss where the kids are going to be on a day-to-day basis, you also have to take into consideration all of the special occasions, holidays, vacations and summer plans that may supersede your everyday plan. And that’s especially when what goes around comes around may come into play.

And that’s not even the reality of changing the day-to-day plan this week because you have to work late on Tuesday instead of Wednesday as normal, or the school concert got switched to a different day and time because of Covid. Those changes come up all the time. But then there is the ask that you ask just because it makes your life easier. It is more convenient/cheaper to fly out on Thursday night rather than wait until Saturday morning when your official summer vacation time starts. So, you ask your co-parent to do you a solid. And if you have done him/her a solid in the past it is easier to make this ask than if you have just denied your co-parent’s request for an adjustment to the parenting plan.

So how do you start this co-parenting post-divorce relationship off on the right foot? It actually starts when you are still married and working on your divorce agreement in divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC. The divorce mediators will specifically mention how important it is to be flexible on a day-to-day, week-to-week basis and overall, in the big picture, in making adjustments as needed, and it will be needed. The divorce mediators point out that flexibility is the most important factor in your entire parenting plan. A 50-50% parenting plan on paper is nice on paper, but then there is real life. And real-life changes constantly. Divorce mediation helps build a strong foundation for an amicable post-divorce relationship. You realize that you can work together, especially for the children’s benefit. And positive interactions build upon more positive interactions. So, it will be easy and natural to make that ask, because you both do it all the time. And if you are constantly saying no to the ask, just out of spite, just remember… what goes around comes around.

For more information on child support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A Good Time For Divorce Mediation

12/23/2021

Like most people, we are feeling drained by the endless pandemic. Still, if there is any silver lining in this difficult period that we have all been living through for the past two years, it may be that the pandemic has made people stop to consider what is important in their lives and work toward making positive changes. As a result of this “Covid clarity”, many of our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC have sought divorce mediation to improve their family situations and plan for happier less stressful futures.

Divorce mediation offers divorcing couples a better alternative to litigation. We work with clients to create a parenting and financial plan that works for their particular family. The process is broken into small steps so it is manageable and not overwhelming. There is no retainer required – the process is pay-as-you-go which works well for many budgets. Divorce mediation offers a quicker, less expensive path to divorce, and gives clients more control over the costs, pace and final agreement.

Living through Covid has taught us all the value of doing things that make you happy with the people who make you happy. It is time to make decisions that will improve your life now and in the future. If you are considering divorce, it may be best to use divorce mediation for your path forward.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Authors

Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed.,LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with many years of experience working with couples.

Randi M. Albert, JD, is an attorney with experience in family law and public service.

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