Our Divorce Mediation Blog

How To Get The Most Out Of Divorce Mediation

4/20/2018

Many clients come to divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC to save time and money. Divorce mediation is not instantaneous and it’s not free, but it is faster and way less expensive than both spouses getting their own lawyers and arguing the case in court. To keep the costs down and to use your mediation time most effectively, I have three suggestions.

Do your homework. In divorce mediation, we break down the process into manageable steps so it is not overwhelming. At the end of each meeting, we give our clients small assignments to complete before the next session – thinking about parenting, collecting documents, preparing a budget, etc. Doing those assignments insures that the process moves at a good pace. Not doing them slows down the process, and may lead to more meetings and consequently, more costs.

Communicate between meetings. We suggest that clients come up with a neutral way to talk to each other between meetings – text, email, shared calendars. By finding a way to address some issues on your own, like who paid the electric bill or whose turn it is to drive the kids to soccer practice, you can use your mediation session to work on the essentials of the divorce agreement instead of your everyday tasks.

Be forward thinking. Divorce mediation is designed to help you create an agreement for your future. It can be an emotional process, but it should also be a practical one. To the extent possible, it’s best to use the sessions to discuss what your goals are for the agreement as opposed to an opportunity to rehash the arguments that got you here in the first place.

In mediation, we guide divorcing couples to reach a resolution on parenting and finances. The process works best if everyone is invested in it and does their part to compromise and move forward.

For more information about divorce or post- divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Happy Spring Holidays

4/6/2018

Happy Spring holidays (Passover, Easter, Spring Break, etc.)! Many couples who get divorced using divorce mediation get along just fine and may want to continue to spend holidays and vacations together, especially when the children are on the younger side. If that works for you and your newly configured family- more power to you. So, parents may choose to not address how the kids will spend the holidays or school breaks or have something very vague mentioned about it in their divorce agreement. Again- that can work.

The role of the divorce mediator is not to stir up trouble but to point out to clients the potential pitfalls of not making decisions at the time of divorce. Yes, you are getting along with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse and can’t imagine being apart for the big Easter egg hunt. But what if 5 years down the road your new spouse and his/her family also have the tradition of a big Easter egg hunt and you want you and the kids to experience that. Or what if your new spouse is not so keen on spending holidays with your co-parent. If you have some vague plan or no reference to how the kids are spending Easter, then this can be a tough situation.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we encourage our clients to think ahead about worst case scenarios. You only have to follow the parenting plan and the designated assigned holidays if there is conflict. If your co-parent doesn’t mind the kids going to your new in-laws then go to your new in-laws and find those eggs, regardless of what is written in the divorce agreement. But if you disagree because you both want the kids to go to your respective Easter egg hunts then you have to abide by the agreement. No fuss because this issue was addressed long ago.

For more information on holidays in a divorce or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Parenting and Post-Divorce Mediation

3/16/2018

Why do divorced couples go to post-divorce mediation? For some ex-spouses, the judgment of divorce is not the final step in an extended emotional process.

A recent divorce case in the headlines highlights the use of divorce mediation to resolve post-divorce parenting disputes. In this case, the divorced parents disagree about whether their child should play football in high school, with the mother wanting their son to play and the father objecting because of health concerns and their kid’s history of concussions.

In cases like this, family courts generally require the parents to go to post-divorce mediation to try to resolve their issues. Starting with divorce mediation is best for the family because going to trial is expensive and time-consuming. Also, if the parents cannot resolve parenting issues in mediation, the kids may have to be questioned by the lawyers, the judge, and/or state-appointed mental health experts, which can be stressful for the whole family.

Disagreement over the kids’ activities is just one topic of post-divorce mediation that we see at Westfield Mediation, LLC. Sometimes divorced parents return to mediation to discuss other points like schedule changes, college payments, finances and/or plans to move. Post-divorce mediation can be difficult and emotional, but if parents keep their focus on their children’s best interests, resolutions are possible.

For more information about parenting plans or post- divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Divorce Litigation

3/2/2018

It is important to do a cost-benefit analysis before deciding to stop divorce mediation and start litigation. Maybe there is one thing you need to “go to the mat” and win your cause. But before you throw your hands up and say “no more mediation- see you in court” you have to stop and think that just because you go to court with what you think is a valid point of view of the issue at hand, does not mean the judge will see it that way and give you what you want.

A prime example of this is parenting. We have seen with our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, that often times during the course of the marriage one parent handles more of the day-to-day parental responsibilities than the other. Now you are getting divorced and your co-parent wants a 50-50 parenting plan. You might not trust that the other parent can all of a sudden handle 50% parenting time in a shared parenting plan. And you are willing to go to court to fight to have a majority of the parenting time. But at what cost and what gain? There are 4 weeks (lets call it 28 days for math sake) in a month. So instead of 14 days for each parent you want 22 days for you and 6 days for your co-parent. There is a lot of wiggle room between 14 versus 22 days and just because you go to court does not mean you are going to end up with 22 days. And the judge may see the co-parents point of view and you end up with 14 days each anyway.

Or you could stop counting quantity altogether and focus on the quality of time you have with your kids. If it is your parenting day but the day is spent after school driving from one activity to the next, doing homework, eating fast food somewhere in between and then bed, what have you really won?

So instead of spending a lot of money, energy and time going through the court system to possibly get a worse situation than what you could have gotten had you stayed in mediation and found some compromise within the wiggle room, stop and think what you will gain and what it will cost you to gain this. But let’s say the judge decides and grants you 18 days a month and your co-parent has 10 days. 4 days more/less than 50-50% parenting. Is 4 days a month on either side of the argument worth the court process? The court process is very stressful and takes a long time. Litigation is super expensive (college tuition expensive). And there is no guarantee you get what you want. Most people end up with some sort of compromise anyway, even if they go through the courts. But now you have no money left to pay for your children’s college education.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Changing the routines after divorce

2/19/2018

Getting divorced changes the family routines, and both spouses will often need to take on new roles and responsibilities that are different from how it used to be.

These changes in lifestyle can be difficult at first. For example, in some families one parent does most of the child care from arranging child activities and playdates, to helping with homework, to buying presents for birthday parties. After divorce, both parents may have to share these jobs; and it can take some adjustment on the part of the whole family to get comfortable with the new normal. Similarly, a divorced parent may want to take a vacation with their kids. The traveling parent may have to deal with the difficulty of going away without another adult, while the other parent needs to get used to the idea that the rest of the family went on a trip without him or her.

Significant changes also occur on the financial front. For example, one spouse may have taken on the financial planning, money management, bill-paying pre-divorce. Now, that there are two households instead of one, these financial responsibilities need to be taken on by each ex-spouse.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help prepare our divorce mediation clients for these lifestyle changes. We explain that taking on these new roles and responsibilities may feel overwhelming at first. This is a normal and reasonable response. We encourage divorcing couples to seek outside help from friends and family and other support networks, especially during the transition time. We also suggest that our clients think of these changes as opportunities to develop new skills that will help them moving forward.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

PAYING FOR COLLEGE

2/2/2018

The state of New Jersey does not care how married couples will pay for their children’s college education costs. The state of New Jersey does care how divorced parents will pay for their children’s college education costs. The issue has been brought before the courts. Ex-spouses have sued each other, children have sued one or both parents expecting them to pay. And in general, the courts have found that divorced parents must pay for college and continue to financially support their children in some way while they are in school. Children are not considered emancipated (no longer financially dependent on their parents) if they continue on to college directly following high school.

Thus, paying for college is an issue the divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, address during the divorce process. It can be difficult for parents with young children to think about their children going to college, let alone who will pay for it. Yet, if you don’t want to return to court in the future because you never addressed the cost of college, you should lay out some parameters in your initial divorce agreement. In divorce mediation, we frame it as what do you expect as the bare minimum from the other parent. Is each parent paying in proportion to income, splitting it equally, contributing a specific amount, paying for the cost of a state or private university?

When it comes time for your child to actually attend college, if one or both parents want to contribute more than the bare minimum as directed in the divorce agreement, s/he can. If you agreed when you got divorced and your child was 8 years old that you and your spouse would equally pay for Rutgers University and now your child is 18 and got into Princeton (congratulations!), you can pay more of the costs than expected towards the cost of Princeton, but you are not obligated to pay more than your share of the cost of Rutgers, even if the child attends Princeton. By planning ahead in divorce mediation, you avoid arguments down the road.

For more information on planning for college costs during a divorce or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Sharing custody

1/19/2018

For the most part, divorcing parents come to mediation with the idea that they will share custody of the kids. Usually, clients want to spend some time each week with their children. Still, shared custody can take many forms, and what the final parenting schedule looks like can vary depending on the needs of the family. The key to a successful post-divorce parenting plan is combining both consistency and flexibility.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with divorcing clients to create parenting plans that will work for now and continue to make sense as their children grow. In some cases, the divorcing couple chooses a 50/50 plan. In 50/50 arrangements, parents share parenting evenly. These agreements can be a great choice as long as parents live near each other and are prepared to work together to juggle schedules and responsibilities. See http://www.westfieldnjmediation.com/blog/5050-parenting-plans. Other parents share time by having the kids live primarily with one parent during the week, while the other parent spends time with the children on some evenings and/or on weekends or over school breaks. These plans can also be a good option for some families.

Really, the most important factor contributing to a parenting plan’s success is the divorcing parents’ commitment to making it work. That means that each parent has to uphold their part of the agreement. It also means that when life intervenes, and a schedule needs to be modified --either temporarily or for the long-term -- the parents are willing to accommodate the changing needs of their children and their exes.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

THE STATUS QUO AND DIVORCE

1/8/2018

Life on paper is not the same as life in real time. No divorce agreement is perfect. It is okay if you need to readdress some issues down the road. You and your children’s lives are not the same as they were 10 years ago. The status quo may work for a while for your divorce agreement after you get divorced. But sometimes you need to revisit the agreement. Either because the issue was never addressed in the original agreement (how to pay for college, new partners), your circumstances have changed (loss of job, relocation, remarriage), or you have changed your mind about something (private versus public high school).

The more detailed you make your original divorce agreement the less wiggle room there is down the road. But there is always wiggle room because a life outlined on a piece of paper does not take into account every real-life circumstance. So, you have to understand this when making your original divorce agreement. The mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, always explain this to clients. Some people choose not to address certain issues because they think it will never happen to them- relocation- or just don’t want to deal with it at the time of the divorce- paying for college. These are the people we see most often for post-divorce mediation for the modification of their original divorce agreement.

For certain issues, the status quo cannot stand. If your child is going to college then somehow it will get paid for or your child will not go to college. If you are moving then somehow your parenting plan will be reworked. You cannot approach post-divorce mediation thinking the current situation will stand when the circumstances demand a change. The mediators at Westfield Mediation help facilitate the conversation so you can make decisions about your new futures. Because the status quo just won’t do anymore.
For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Big Changes may be coming for alimony

12/22/2017

The proposed tax bill that Congress is working on includes a big change to alimony/spousal support. According to the latest version of the bill, beginning with divorce agreements executed in 2019, alimony will no longer be a deductible expense for the ex-spouse who pays. And the recipient will not have to pay tax on the alimony he or she receives.

This change could be a big deal for divorcing couples. While it could save some money for the person who gets alimony, it may make the higher-earning spouse less inclined to pay spousal support – and have less money available to distribute -- if there is no tax benefit to the payment.

In New Jersey, determining the amount and time period of spousal support or alimony requires a balancing of factors – the length of the marriage, the parties’ age, health, income and ability to earn, etc. Currently, the alimony payments are taxable income for the person who receives them, and a tax deduction for the payer.

In divorce mediation, we work with our clients to develop a fair spousal support plan that also takes into account the divorcing couples’ assets and debts. In our experience at Westfield Mediation, LLC, the current tax rule generally encourages divorcing couples to include spousal support in their agreements, because both the payer and the payee benefit. It will be interesting to see how this proposed change plays out in the real world of divorce.

For more information on spousal support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

holiday card season

12/8/2017

It is holiday card season again. Sending out the annual holiday card can be such a chore, even under the best of circumstances. Just like Santa, you have a list and must check it twice. Who moved and what is the new address? Who sent you a card, so you must send them a card? Do you still have to send a card to your boss from 4 jobs ago? This mundane task can be even more difficult if you are separated or going through a divorce. Do you now send out two cards- one with Mom and the kids and the other with Dad and the kids? Do you divide the address list up and some people gets cards from one of you and the some get cards from the other one? Do you just skip it all this year?

So many decisions to make. How can you figure out your whole life if you can’t even figure out the Christmas card? Then you begin to panic about your divorce, and the downward spiral starts. If you can’t agree on this then you will never agree on anything. If you give in about the card and do what your soon-to-be-ex-spouse wants to do, then what is next? You may never get anything you want in the divorce process.

At Westfield Mediation we help our clients realize that there is give and take with all the decisions that they will make about their divorce. No one gets everything, and no one loses everything. You both compromise and eventually you reach a decision on things regarding all the areas of the divorce. There is no need to freak out. We help break down your whole life into much smaller, and more manageable, steps. A divorce mediator helps guide the discussion about your options about your post-divorce life. You reach decisions about your futures instead of dwelling on and repeating past arguments. And if you can make these difficult life decisions, like how the kids are spending their time on Christmas Day, then surely you can handle the task of a holiday card.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com