Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

everyone benefits from divorce mediation

1/10/2020

We have already talked about everything, do we still need a divorce mediator? We never talk at all, can we still go to divorce mediation? Yes and yes.

As divorce mediators, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we meet divorcing couples who are at different places in their relationship. Some soon-to-be-exes have worked out a parenting and financial plan for moving forward after divorce; some have not even agreed about ending their marriage; and most are somewhere in-between. Regardless of your preparation for the future, divorce mediation can be extremely helpful.

For those couples who have already worked out some details of their plan, the mediator can help by reviewing the plan. She asks the right questions and makes sure that the divorcing couple understands what they have agreed to. Then the mediator writes up the agreement in a way that is both comprehensive and flexible, and clearly reflects the family’s plan. By addressing all of the issues, divorce mediation reduces the chances that the family will have later disputes and will have to return to Court multiple times.

For those families where the spouses are not on the same page about moving forward or have not yet discussed how the new set-up will look, the divorce mediator breaks the process down into small, manageable steps to make it less overwhelming. She ensures that each party’s voice is heard, so that no one feels that he or she was steamrolled into agreeing to something that makes him or her uncomfortable. By working closely with the couple, the divorce mediator makes a difficult process less stressful and creates a fair agreement for the family going forward.

In divorce mediation, we meet you where you are in your own relationship and process, and help guide you along to a future that makes sense for your family.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

MARRIAGE STORY ON NETFLIX

12/20/2019

As a divorce mediator, I watched the movie Marriage Story on Netflix through a specific lens. Overall it was done well. The actors are really good, the plot is mainly realistic, and it is only slightly too long. The gist of the plot is that a couple is breaking up and they have one son in elementary school. They are in show biz and she has an opportunity to do a TV pilot in LA and he is the founder/director of an edgy theater company in New York and his play is going to Broadway. So logistically they cannot live on the same coast. They start out somewhat amicable and their first stop is a divorce mediator. One of my few criticisms of the movie, besides the random singing, is that the mediator is portrayed in too much of a love/peace/happiness role. *****SPOILER ALERT*****This is done more as a plot mechanism to help tie in the ending.

The role of a divorce mediator is to help a couple reach agreements about their divorce. A mediator does not act as a therapist. There is no delving into their underlying issues or processing the reason for their divorce. Mediation deals with the practical topics in a divorce. What is the issue and what is the decision you land on regarding this issue? The process itself is what promotes more of a positive outcome, especially for co-parents. The couple sees that, even though it may be difficult, they can work together when it comes to their children. Success begets more success. And people are more likely to follow through with an agreement that they had input into. They are more likely to follow the terms of their own decisions rather than one that a random judge assigned to them or that their lawyer asked for even though they did not want it (which happens in the movie). So, couples are less likely to have to return to court for any post-divorce changes to their divorce agreement than if they litigated.

The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, understand how scary and difficult divorce can be and work with the couple to break down the process into smaller, more manageable steps. The unknown can be overwhelming. This is why people often turn to divorce attorneys to just get it done, rather than mediation. This is well portrayed in the movie. However, what starts out amicably and with the best intentions can quickly spiral into a horrible, expensive, emotionally draining, custody battle and divorce process. It seems clear in the movie that neither parent wants this and they are a little bewildered at how they ended up there. Even though I think Marriage Story does an inaccurate job of portraying the actual mediator, I think it does a wonderful job of promoting divorce mediation.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

taking a break

12/6/2019

Sometimes we get clients who want to take a break from their marriage. They are not sure whether or not they want to get divorced, but they want to try living separately for a while, to see if a new living arrangement will reduce their daily stresses and arguments, and allow them to work on issues in their marriage and family in a healthier way.

While New Jersey does not have an official legal separation, in our divorce mediation practice at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we often help couples create an agreement for living apart. We work out both a parenting plan and a financial agreement, so that the separated couples can have a blueprint for their new living arrangement and see what works best for them.

Sometimes, living separately gives couples the space they need to work out underlying problems, and they are able to reconcile after living apart for a while. And if not, trying out the new parenting and financial plan allows them to see where adjustments should be made to their agreement if they ultimately decide to file for divorce. Separation is often a good interim step for couples contemplating divorce.

For more information about separation agreements or divorce mediation, , please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A DIVORCE MEDIATOR'S TOOLBOX

11/15/2019

How can a divorce mediator help couples resolve an impasse when the divorce mediator stays neutral and does not take sides? The couple has been going around and around on the issue repeatedly fighting about it (parenting plan, money, alimony, etc.) and is making no progress. What can a mediator add to the mix so decisions can get made?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators are prepared with a “toolbox” for divorce to address a wide variety of issues. There are resources that a mediator uses to help make things clearer for clients. It may be as straightforward as mapping out a potential parenting plan on a blank 4-week schedule. This helps the couple see visibly on a handout who is responsible for the kids when. It also plainly shows how long you go with/without seeing your children. This tool then makes it simpler to move things around until you arrive at a resolution that both co-parents can abide by. Or sometimes the mediator will encourage co-parents to use an ongoing resource, even once they are divorced. A handy app, like Our Family Wizard https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ helps co-parents figure things out that constantly come up with kids that parents want to know. For example: expenses for the kids (school pictures, coaches gift, field trip), sharing general info (what shoe size is Jack now), or to commemorate a unique situation (Jane finally lost her tooth today). These are just a few examples of the resources that the divorce mediator has in her handy toolbox, ready to share with clients, that the clients don’t know about sitting in their kitchen arguing with one another.

Once the mediator passes on these tools to you, you can continue to have a successful relationship with your co-parent once mediation is completed. It reminds me of the adage- give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. You need mediation to learn how to fish. Sitting in your kitchen fighting with one another or not speaking to one another at all about these issues gets you neither. But after mediation you will continue to feed yourself with the tools you learned in mediation.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

What to do about the house When getting divorced

11/1/2019

When couples are considering getting divorced, one question that often causes great stress, is “where are they going to live after the divorce?” Generally, people are emotionally attached to their home, and worried about the impact of moving on both themselves and their children. In addition, for most people their house is both their biggest asset and their biggest expense, so coming up with a plan for selling it or keeping it has to factor into any future financial plan.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always ask our divorce mediation clients to get a market valuation of their home from a realtor to determine how much equity they have in their house. We go over together how much they pay for their mortgage, property taxes, home owners’ insurance and other house maintenance. Then, we consider what would make the most sense financially, and for the emotional needs of the family.

Some options include selling the house, refinancing it in one spouse’s name or continuing to own the house together for a set period of time. Sometimes, divorcing couples are in a hurry to sell so that they have the cash they need to move forward. Other times, the couple wants to wait before selling so that they can fix up the house for maximum profits or just to adjust more slowly to the change in their circumstances. For some clients, rather than sell the house right away, the divorcing couple decides that one parent will remain in the home with the children until they finish high school or college. Such an approach may minimize the stress on the kids, by allowing them to stay in one familiar place.

In any case, the divorcing couple must decide how they will continue to pay for the house expenses, including the mortgage, taxes, home insurance, and potential repairs, until the house is sold or refinanced in one person’s name. The family also will need to allocate enough funds so that the parent who moves out can maintain his/her own separate household. Finally, the couple has to decide how they will divide the proceeds from the house once it is sold. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we know that each family has its own specific financial and emotional needs, and through divorce mediation, we can help create a plan to fit them.

For more information about dividing assets in divorce mediation or divorce mediation in general, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Parenting Plans and Moving within the state

10/16/2019

One of the sticky questions that arises when creating a parenting plan in divorce mediation is what happens to the family’s parenting plan if one parent wants to move – in state or out of state -- and the other parent does not agree with the move?

Since 2017, the Court has said that the parent who wants to move out of state has to show that his/her plan is in the best interests of the children. Now, in a case that was decided on October 7, 2019, the NJ Appellate Court said that the standard for an out of state move would also be applied to an in-state move. According to the case, if the parent of primary residence wants to move and the other parent objects, the objecting parent has to show that the best interests of the children are affected. Once this is shown, the Court considers several factors including family relationships, the age and education of the children, the parents’ employment, and the amount of time spent with each parent, etc. – to determine whether to allow the move and whether to make any adjustments to the established custody plan and parenting time. Essentially, this new decision raises the standard for divorced parents moving within the state to the same high standard applied to moves out of state.

For our divorce mediation clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always recommend that our clients include a provision in their agreement on how to address moving. If the parents cannot agree on a move, they generally have to go to court to address their concerns. With this new case, they will have to show that a move in state or out, is in their children’s best interests.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DIVORCE AND COURT FORMS

10/4/2019

Forms, forms and yet more forms. There is a multitude of required paperwork regarding your final divorce agreement that must be submitted to the court. In New Jersey, this is a multi-step process. To begin the process there are initial forms (complaint, insurance info, certification of non-collusion, etc.) you need to fill out when first letting the court know you want to get divorced. You will get most of these forms returned to you, with a docket number. This docket number needs to be included on all subsequent court forms that you submit to the court and serve the other spouse. Serving the spouse with the forms has its own set of forms as well. Then the spouse needs to answer the initial complaint paperwork with more paperwork saying s/he received the complaint and agrees with it or does not agree with it. Oh, and you both need to fill out the lengthy and intrusive Case Information Statement about your finances, income, and budgets.

Most couples who utilize divorce mediation have reached an amicable divorce agreement. They do not want the hassle of filling out forms and jumping through all of these hoops to get divorced. They have already done the serious part of making the decisions about the kids and dividing up the assets and debts. At Westfield Mediation, our divorce mediators can recommend review attorneys who in addition to informing you of your legal rights during the divorce and accompanying you to court, can help with all of the paperwork and serving and answering of the complaint.

If you want to do the paperwork yourself, you can seek assistance at the courthouse from the courthouse ombudsmen, attend a free divorce seminar provided by the courts like this one https://www.njcourts.gov/public/assets/ombuds/2019/divsem_eng.pdf?c=wAU or this one https://www.njcourts.gov/public/assets/ombuds/2018/divorceworkshopflyer.pdf?c=47P. You can get a divorce kit from Legal Services of New Jersey for a small fee and it includes all the forms. https://checkout.lsnj.org/index.php/hikashop-menu-for-categories-listing/product/1-divorce-in-new-jersey-a-self-help-guide-pdf-edition-for-individual-users-with-forms

But there is no way around it. No completed forms means no completed divorce. The forms must be done.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

When one spouse isn't ready for Divorce

9/20/2019

A lot of times in divorce mediation, we find that one spouse is more ready to get divorced than the other. Sometimes, the reluctant spouse does not want to move forward because s/he wants to keep working on the relationship. Other times, s/he recognizes the problems with the marriage, but s/he is worried about the impact of divorce on the kids, or on the family’s financial situation. Often, people are understandably nervous about the change and uncertainty that comes with divorce.

All of these feelings are normal and common. And couples shouldn’t rush into getting divorced. Yet, as we tell our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, if one person wants a divorce, realistically, it is likely it will happen sooner or later.

So, what should the reluctant spouse do? Even if you do not want to get divorced, you need to participate actively in the process or you will likely wind up living with an agreement that does not work well for you. Participating often means considering the tough questions that are hard to grapple with – what kind of parenting plan do you want? Where are you going to live? What are you going to do with the house? -- so that you end up with a plan that you both can accept. You should make an effort not to opt out of the process just to get it over with, or so you don’t have to think about the future.

In divorce mediation, we recognize that moving ahead with divorce can be difficult and emotional. We work with our clients to ensure that the hard issues are addressed in a way that works for both spouses – the ready one and the less ready one.
For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

A NEW SCHOOL YEAR...AT WHAT SCHOOL?

9/6/2019

So long summer. A new school year is upon us and your kids are now back to school. Some kids are starting at a new school because they have graduated either from elementary to middle or middle to high school. It is the natural order of things. Other kids may be starting new schools because their family moved to a new town. And still some other kids are starting new schools because their parents are getting divorced. Sometimes when parents get divorced both parents end up moving to new towns. How do they decide what school system their children should attend? Their previous public school is not an option anymore because neither parent resides in that town. What if private school or magnet school needs to be considered?

This is a topic that is addressed during the process of divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC. Our divorce mediators help a couple figure out what is in the best interest of the children. Often times one parent plans to stay in the same town and not move. This allows the children some continuity of attending the same school. But then what if that parent moves in the future. How do parents decide what new school would be the best fit for their children? If parents can address this issue during mediation then there is no need to return to court to decide- as I am sure some parents hastily did this past summer and particularly this past week.

Parents can be perplexed when this issue is brought up because they think they have a current plan in place that will continue to work until the kids graduate high school. However, it is impossible to predict the future. So sometimes, well intended plans take a left turn into the unknown. But it is not unknown if it is already in your divorce agreement. A good divorce mediator will help you plan for the plan that you never thought you'd need.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

summer vacations

8/23/2019

Now is often the time for summer vacations, and during divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always ask clients about how they want to include family vacations in their post-divorce parenting plan. Of course, vacations need not be a big expensive trip away – sometimes they just involve an opportunity for each parent to have some extended time with the kids.

Generally, divorcing parents want to keep some of the same plans that they have had before they were divorced. So, for example, if they usually take a week with the kids down the shore, or attend an Independence Day barbecue with family, they want to keep that consistency. In mediation, we suggest that divorcing parents make their vacation plans a few months before summer begins to give both parents time and notice, and we put safeguards in their agreement so that there are no disputes about who gets which week for his/her plan.

Sometimes, when clients have long-term traditions of spending time with family or family friends over the summer, it can be difficult to decide whether and how to alter these traditions. Can you both still go? Do you need to alternate years? Do you need to come up with a totally different plan, so no one feels left out? By addressing these issues in divorce mediation, we work to resolve them sooner rather than later to minimize future disagreements. With productive, early communication, both you and your children can have a fun-filled summer.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.