Our Divorce Mediation Blog

The Internet IS A Wonderful Thing

9/15/2017

The Internet is a wonderful thing. You can find almost anything about anything on it. There is a lot of information out there about divorce. Many of our clients find us on the Internet. Sometimes clients find us when they were looking for something else regarding their divorce but then stumble across the concept of mediation and are intrigued. Many people that get divorced really do want mediation but don’t know that they want it because they have never heard of it. But they do want a low cost, more amicable way to get divorced. When I am speaking to someone on the phone for the first time I often ask how they heard of Westfield Mediation, LLC. The caller usually seems embarrassed to admit that they found us on the Internet and sounds relieved when I tell them that many people find us online.

Once you know that you want to use a divorce mediator the Internet can be useful in finding a good divorce mediator. It is helpful to look at different mediator’s websites. This can be a valuable source of practical information but also help you decide who would be a good fit for your needs. You want to read any available reviews from colleagues and prior clients. You want to find the phone number so you can call and actually speak with your mediator. Or you may want to send an email to start the process.

The Internet also helps immensely with communication. One of the key differential factors of mediation versus litigation is that spouses communicate directly with one another instead of through their attorneys. So email is a tool made for divorce mediation. It allows the mediator to have a multi-person conversation about scheduling the next meeting, changes to the proposed plan, clarify a question, etc., quickly and directly with both parties at the same time. There are no hidden conversations. Everyone is aware of all contact going on. This helps to build trust and communication skills, things parents will need as they co-parent post-divorce. There are also divorce apps which help facilitate your post-divorce life.

So much information is out there. How did we ever find out stuff before the Internet?

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Child support for grown children

9/1/2017

Most states have a legal limit for “emancipation” – the date when parents are no longer legally required to support their children. It can be based on an age or on an event like getting married, joining the military or graduating from college.

But, in reality, not all kids are magically able to support themselves once they hit that date. So how do you create a divorce agreement to cover the expenses for that time period when your kids age out of child support, but are still not financially self-sufficient?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we have many divorce mediation clients who continue to support their children in some way after the legal age of emancipation. Sometimes, the divorcing parents still pay for some bills – like those for cell phones, car insurance, health insurance. In other cases, the kids still live with one parent or the other, rent-free, so the parent is covering both housing and food.

In each of these scenarios, we help the divorcing parents come to an agreement about how to deal with these ongoing expenses. In some cases, we may divide the costs between the parties, or put limits on time frames or amounts. Our goal is to create a parenting plan that is fair to both sides and that is financially practical for the family.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

domestic violence and divorce mediation

8/21/2017

Divorce mediation can work well for many people. It helps couples reach decisions on all areas in their divorce agreement- parenting plan, division of assets and debts, child support, alimony, etc. It can be done quickly, privately and for significantly less money compared to litigation. However, sometimes, in order to best serve our clients, we will not work with a couple even if they want to choose mediation.

The other day I got two phone calls, one from the husband and then one immediately following from the wife. It came to light that they currently have a restraining order in place and there were recent incidents of domestic violence. I explained to both of them that while I appreciated their enthusiasm for wanting to resolve their divorce through mediation it does not mean that I would see them as clients. The issue of safety is paramount-- both for the mediator and the clients. I don’t feel safe being in a small office with two people who a judge recently said should not even be near one another

Additionally when there has been domestic violence the power dynamic in the couple shifts, making it difficult for each party to have equal input into the decision making process. With a history of domestic violence usually one person is dominant in the relationship and the other submissive. It is hard to stick up for yourself if you are scared of the other person. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help both parties have input into the life-altering decisions you are both making for your separate futures. Even if there has not been domestic violence but it is obvious during the mediation process that only person has say regarding decisions, we recommend stopping mediation and seeking an attorney who can advocate for the silent person’s needs. You need someone to stand up for you if you are unable to do so on your own behalf.

So, while divorce mediation works well for a large majority of people who walk through our door, every now and then we have to stop you before you even start.

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Post-divorce Mediation

8/4/2017

Sometimes the divorce decree is not the final stop for divorcing spouses, and clients need Post-Divorce Mediation. While this may feel like a setback, it is actually pretty common. So, what are the reasons that already-divorced couples go to mediation?

In some cases, one or both of the exes are having trouble following the agreement, and they return to mediation in the hopes of working through their issues with a divorce mediator instead of returning to court. Indeed, the court prefers mediation to continuing litigation. In many settlement agreements, divorced couples are required to try to resolve their differences through mediation before the court will allow them to return.

Another reason for post-divorce mediation is that the needs of children have changed, and the parents want to modify the schedule, the parenting plan and/or child support. Obviously, it is not always possible to predict how your children’s interests will change over time, and sometimes the original plan for them must be modified. Moreover, if clients move to a new location or change jobs, parenting plans may need to be adjusted. In addition, major changes to income from either employment or inheritance also lead divorce mediation clients back to the drawing board to re-work spousal support, child support or both.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with clients to make their post-divorce mediation sessions as painless and productive as possible. We recognize that many clients are frustrated to find themselves still working on their divorce, and we help guide them through this bump in the road. By using mediation rather than litigation to resolve post-divorce issues, clients can reduce their stress, and save time and money.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

divorce mediation portrayed on tv

7/21/2017

Television doesn’t present divorce mediation exactly right. There are two examples that come to mind. In 2014 there was an unfortunate series on Bravo called “Untying the Knot” promoting itself as divorce mediation reality show. In each episode a high net-worth couple seeks the assistance of the mediator to help them divide their stuff/finances.    They each plead to the mediator why s/he should get what s/he wants and then the mediator crunches some numbers and tells them how they will divide the assets in question. This is not mediation. A mediator is neutral and never makes decisions for the couple. I stopped watching it after two episodes because it made me sick to my stomach that this is how divorce mediation is being represented to a national audience.
At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our experienced mediators make it clear from the first meeting that mediators do not make decisions for the couple about anything. A mediator can explain how other couples have handled similar situations but never says here is my decision and this is how it is going to be for you. The couple is in control of their new futures. No decisions are thrust upon them.
The other show is Divorce, currently on HBO, with Sarah Jessica Parker and Thomas Haden Church. This portrayal of divorce mediation was somewhat more accurate and the characters had good intentions with one another to make mediation work for their divorce. Unfortunately, the mediator gives the couple a giant notebook of homework and asks them to assess all of their finances immediately after their first meeting. This is an unrealistic task and was probably done to further the storyline. While there is a lot of ground to cover in a divorce, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we break the big process into smaller, more manageable steps. We do not throw the whole ball of wax at you at once. As predicted, Thomas Haden Church gets overwhelmed, panics and hires a lawyer instead of attending the second mediation meeting. Fortunately, the mediator appropriately maintained her neutrality and refused to speak about the issues with Sarah Jessica Parker’s character when the husband did not show up for their second meeting.
The reality of divorce mediation can be a lot less stressful and more manageable than the television version.   For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Yay for summer!

7/7/2017

Yay for Summer! Many kids (and parents) count down to the end of the school year. For divorcing families, summer sometimes comes with extra challenges. For some families, the beginning of summer means creating a new parenting schedule and coming up with a plan to pay for summer programs for the children.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with our clients to help them plan for summer in advance. That may mean having a different, more flexible weekly schedule for a time when there are fewer concerns about schoolwork. It may also mean a need for more childcare. In addition, some parents like to set aside certain weeks so that each parent can have a family vacation with the kids.

Aside from working on the schedule, we also discuss the costs of camps, town swimming pools, or other summer programs so that the parents have a plan in place for paying for these expenses. We include a summer plan in all of our parenting plans, and build in flexibility so that the plan can be adjusted over time as the family’s needs and interests change.

Having a plan in place takes away some of the stress, and allows everyone to enjoy the fun of summer.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Child support guidelines do not apply

6/23/2017

New Jersey has specific guidelines for calculating child support but in some situations- for example, if you child lives away at college or if your income exceeds a certain amount- these guidelines do not apply. However, your child is not considered emancipated if s/he goes to college directly after high school. So you are still financially responsible for your child but the guidelines no longer apply because some of the costs covered by child support are paid for through your college costs (food, housing, etc.). So how do you figure this out?

You have to look at some of the actual costs that occur when s/he is home (food) and then also the costs that occur even if s/he is not home (housing). For example, your food bill may go up when your child is home from college but you are still paying the same mortgage each month even if your child is living at home only for winter breaks and summer months. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help clients navigate these murky waters. We help clients create a realistic and reasonable budget for these situations not covered by the state child support guidelines.

This also happens when couples are above the upper earning limits of the guidelines. If you are a high income family then the state assumes your expenses for your children are higher than the average New Jersey family and expects you to create a budget based on the actual needs of your children. It can be a little more challenging process but the mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, can walk you through the steps to arrive at a monthly support number.

For more information about NJ Child Support Guidelines or divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Nesting

6/9/2017

Divorcing parents often ask about “nesting” – the child custody/parenting plan where the kids stay in the family home and the parents take turns moving in and out. The idea is to keep the children in their same home to minimize the disruption to their lives. Meanwhile, the divorced parents either share a separate residence, or each has their own.

In a recent New York Times article (https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/30/well/family/after-divorce-giving-our-kids-custody-of-the-home.html), one woman described how the plan works for her family. She concludes that the set-up requires a lot of juggling, but over all, she was happy that they had chosen that option.

Her piece generated a lot of comments, and I was struck by readers’ take on her article. Some commenters suggested that the nesting option is great, but really only available to wealthy parents who can afford multiple households. Others thought it might work for the short term, but could get old fast – especially as the parents start to date. Some readers thought it made sense to focus on the impact on the kids, while others felt it underestimated children’s resilience and ability to adjust to a new family dynamic.

At our practice, Westfield Mediation, LLC, we focus on helping our clients create an individualized parenting plan that makes sense for their family. For families that want to try nesting, we explain the pros and cons, so that clients can consider whether it would work for them. Of course, the parenting plan that you start out with, doesn’t have to be the plan forever. For example, some clients want to try nesting, and then as the family changes and adapts, they want to try something else. We help create parenting plans that can evolve as your family life does.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, LMFT, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Divorce happens in civil court

5/26/2017

Many couples do not realized when they start divorce mediation that only one person can file the paperwork to start the court process. The court considers divorce to be a civil case where one person is suing the other and there is a plaintiff and a defendant. So in order for the state of New Jersey to know that you want to get divorced, one person within the couple has to be the complainant and start the proceedings by filing the initial paperwork. The other member of the couple is served the paperwork and identified within the court system as the defendant, even if you are in 100% agreement about everything.

With the initial paperwork, you have to decide the grounds for divorce. New Jersey is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce. That means that the reason you are getting divorced does not have an impact on the outcome of the divorce. For example, you do not have to pay more in alimony because you had an affair. And you do not get more alimony because your spouse had an affair. However, when you get divorced you do have to give a reason to the courts why you want to get divorced.

There are two no-fault reasons in New Jersey- irreconcilable differences for at least six months and physically separated in different residences with no sexual relations with one another for a minimum of 18 months. Almost all our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, pick irreconcilable differences as their grounds for divorce, even if they can prove one of the fault reasons (adultery, mental or physical cruelty, drug habituation, etc.). Most people choose irreconcilable differences because it is the path of least resistance. If you pick a fault reason in a divorce then you must supply additional evidence to support your claim. You can’t go around and accuse someone of having affairs or abusing drugs and tarnish a good reputation because you are mad at your spouse for wanting a divorce. There must be supporting proof. And since New Jersey is a no-fault state many people don’t want to bother going through the extra steps it takes for a fault divorce versus a no-fault divorce. Of course, you always have that option.

For more information about Divorce Mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

When to Start Mediation?

5/12/2017

When is the best time to start divorce mediation? Do you need to know what you want to do or is it okay to still have questions about how it will all play out? What if you have already started litigation – can you still try divorce mediation?

Divorce mediation is a more economical, less stressful approach to working out the issues of divorce. It makes sense to try it regardless of where you are in your path to separation.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help clients at all stages of the process. At one end of the spectrum are couples who have just started thinking about divorce, and they want more information on the process. In these situations, we explain the options for parenting plans and living separately. We help the couple divide their assets and debts, and come up with an agreement that makes emotional and financial sense. Sometimes, divorcing couples stop and start mediation, as they figure out how they want to move forward. Together, we create a plan that works for their particular family.

In other cases, divorcing couples have been living separately for a number of months or years, and they want to put their arrangement in writing and make it official. In these cases, divorce mediation is also helpful, because there are often loose ends that need to be tied up – sometimes issues that the couple has not yet considered. For example, they may have created a day-to-day parenting plan, but have they considered what to do about college? Or life insurance? Similarly, one partner may have moved out, but have they decided what to do about the house? If and when they should sell it? How they should share the proceeds? These are the kinds of questions that we review in divorce mediation.

Sometimes, one or both spouses has already consulted an attorney or even filed for divorce. It is still possible to get the benefits of divorce mediation -- a faster, less expensive, less contentious divorce. We often meet with clients who have stated litigating and realize that they want a different approach.

Divorce mediation can be a good alternative at any time in the process – whether you have just started considering divorce, or have already been to court.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, LMFT, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com