Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

A DIVORCE MEDIATOR'S TOOLBOX

11/15/2019

How can a divorce mediator help couples resolve an impasse when the divorce mediator stays neutral and does not take sides? The couple has been going around and around on the issue repeatedly fighting about it (parenting plan, money, alimony, etc.) and is making no progress. What can a mediator add to the mix so decisions can get made?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators are prepared with a “toolbox” for divorce to address a wide variety of issues. There are resources that a mediator uses to help make things clearer for clients. It may be as straightforward as mapping out a potential parenting plan on a blank 4-week schedule. This helps the couple see visibly on a handout who is responsible for the kids when. It also plainly shows how long you go with/without seeing your children. This tool then makes it simpler to move things around until you arrive at a resolution that both co-parents can abide by. Or sometimes the mediator will encourage co-parents to use an ongoing resource, even once they are divorced. A handy app, like Our Family Wizard https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ helps co-parents figure things out that constantly come up with kids that parents want to know. For example: expenses for the kids (school pictures, coaches gift, field trip), sharing general info (what shoe size is Jack now), or to commemorate a unique situation (Jane finally lost her tooth today). These are just a few examples of the resources that the divorce mediator has in her handy toolbox, ready to share with clients, that the clients don’t know about sitting in their kitchen arguing with one another.

Once the mediator passes on these tools to you, you can continue to have a successful relationship with your co-parent once mediation is completed. It reminds me of the adage- give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. You need mediation to learn how to fish. Sitting in your kitchen fighting with one another or not speaking to one another at all about these issues gets you neither. But after mediation you will continue to feed yourself with the tools you learned in mediation.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

What to do about the house When getting divorced

11/1/2019

When couples are considering getting divorced, one question that often causes great stress, is “where are they going to live after the divorce?” Generally, people are emotionally attached to their home, and worried about the impact of moving on both themselves and their children. In addition, for most people their house is both their biggest asset and their biggest expense, so coming up with a plan for selling it or keeping it has to factor into any future financial plan.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always ask our divorce mediation clients to get a market valuation of their home from a realtor to determine how much equity they have in their house. We go over together how much they pay for their mortgage, property taxes, home owners’ insurance and other house maintenance. Then, we consider what would make the most sense financially, and for the emotional needs of the family.

Some options include selling the house, refinancing it in one spouse’s name or continuing to own the house together for a set period of time. Sometimes, divorcing couples are in a hurry to sell so that they have the cash they need to move forward. Other times, the couple wants to wait before selling so that they can fix up the house for maximum profits or just to adjust more slowly to the change in their circumstances. For some clients, rather than sell the house right away, the divorcing couple decides that one parent will remain in the home with the children until they finish high school or college. Such an approach may minimize the stress on the kids, by allowing them to stay in one familiar place.

In any case, the divorcing couple must decide how they will continue to pay for the house expenses, including the mortgage, taxes, home insurance, and potential repairs, until the house is sold or refinanced in one person’s name. The family also will need to allocate enough funds so that the parent who moves out can maintain his/her own separate household. Finally, the couple has to decide how they will divide the proceeds from the house once it is sold. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we know that each family has its own specific financial and emotional needs, and through divorce mediation, we can help create a plan to fit them.

For more information about dividing assets in divorce mediation or divorce mediation in general, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Parenting Plans and Moving within the state

10/16/2019

One of the sticky questions that arises when creating a parenting plan in divorce mediation is what happens to the family’s parenting plan if one parent wants to move – in state or out of state -- and the other parent does not agree with the move?

Since 2017, the Court has said that the parent who wants to move out of state has to show that his/her plan is in the best interests of the children. Now, in a case that was decided on October 7, 2019, the NJ Appellate Court said that the standard for an out of state move would also be applied to an in-state move. According to the case, if the parent of primary residence wants to move and the other parent objects, the objecting parent has to show that the best interests of the children are affected. Once this is shown, the Court considers several factors including family relationships, the age and education of the children, the parents’ employment, and the amount of time spent with each parent, etc. – to determine whether to allow the move and whether to make any adjustments to the established custody plan and parenting time. Essentially, this new decision raises the standard for divorced parents moving within the state to the same high standard applied to moves out of state.

For our divorce mediation clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always recommend that our clients include a provision in their agreement on how to address moving. If the parents cannot agree on a move, they generally have to go to court to address their concerns. With this new case, they will have to show that a move in state or out, is in their children’s best interests.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DIVORCE AND COURT FORMS

10/4/2019

Forms, forms and yet more forms. There is a multitude of required paperwork regarding your final divorce agreement that must be submitted to the court. In New Jersey, this is a multi-step process. To begin the process there are initial forms (complaint, insurance info, certification of non-collusion, etc.) you need to fill out when first letting the court know you want to get divorced. You will get most of these forms returned to you, with a docket number. This docket number needs to be included on all subsequent court forms that you submit to the court and serve the other spouse. Serving the spouse with the forms has its own set of forms as well. Then the spouse needs to answer the initial complaint paperwork with more paperwork saying s/he received the complaint and agrees with it or does not agree with it. Oh, and you both need to fill out the lengthy and intrusive Case Information Statement about your finances, income, and budgets.

Most couples who utilize divorce mediation have reached an amicable divorce agreement. They do not want the hassle of filling out forms and jumping through all of these hoops to get divorced. They have already done the serious part of making the decisions about the kids and dividing up the assets and debts. At Westfield Mediation, our divorce mediators can recommend review attorneys who in addition to informing you of your legal rights during the divorce and accompanying you to court, can help with all of the paperwork and serving and answering of the complaint.

If you want to do the paperwork yourself, you can seek assistance at the courthouse from the courthouse ombudsmen, attend a free divorce seminar provided by the courts like this one https://www.njcourts.gov/public/assets/ombuds/2019/divsem_eng.pdf?c=wAU or this one https://www.njcourts.gov/public/assets/ombuds/2018/divorceworkshopflyer.pdf?c=47P. You can get a divorce kit from Legal Services of New Jersey for a small fee and it includes all the forms. https://checkout.lsnj.org/index.php/hikashop-menu-for-categories-listing/product/1-divorce-in-new-jersey-a-self-help-guide-pdf-edition-for-individual-users-with-forms

But there is no way around it. No completed forms means no completed divorce. The forms must be done.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

When one spouse isn't ready for Divorce

9/20/2019

A lot of times in divorce mediation, we find that one spouse is more ready to get divorced than the other. Sometimes, the reluctant spouse does not want to move forward because s/he wants to keep working on the relationship. Other times, s/he recognizes the problems with the marriage, but s/he is worried about the impact of divorce on the kids, or on the family’s financial situation. Often, people are understandably nervous about the change and uncertainty that comes with divorce.

All of these feelings are normal and common. And couples shouldn’t rush into getting divorced. Yet, as we tell our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, if one person wants a divorce, realistically, it is likely it will happen sooner or later.

So, what should the reluctant spouse do? Even if you do not want to get divorced, you need to participate actively in the process or you will likely wind up living with an agreement that does not work well for you. Participating often means considering the tough questions that are hard to grapple with – what kind of parenting plan do you want? Where are you going to live? What are you going to do with the house? -- so that you end up with a plan that you both can accept. You should make an effort not to opt out of the process just to get it over with, or so you don’t have to think about the future.

In divorce mediation, we recognize that moving ahead with divorce can be difficult and emotional. We work with our clients to ensure that the hard issues are addressed in a way that works for both spouses – the ready one and the less ready one.
For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

A NEW SCHOOL YEAR...AT WHAT SCHOOL?

9/6/2019

So long summer. A new school year is upon us and your kids are now back to school. Some kids are starting at a new school because they have graduated either from elementary to middle or middle to high school. It is the natural order of things. Other kids may be starting new schools because their family moved to a new town. And still some other kids are starting new schools because their parents are getting divorced. Sometimes when parents get divorced both parents end up moving to new towns. How do they decide what school system their children should attend? Their previous public school is not an option anymore because neither parent resides in that town. What if private school or magnet school needs to be considered?

This is a topic that is addressed during the process of divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC. Our divorce mediators help a couple figure out what is in the best interest of the children. Often times one parent plans to stay in the same town and not move. This allows the children some continuity of attending the same school. But then what if that parent moves in the future. How do parents decide what new school would be the best fit for their children? If parents can address this issue during mediation then there is no need to return to court to decide- as I am sure some parents hastily did this past summer and particularly this past week.

Parents can be perplexed when this issue is brought up because they think they have a current plan in place that will continue to work until the kids graduate high school. However, it is impossible to predict the future. So sometimes, well intended plans take a left turn into the unknown. But it is not unknown if it is already in your divorce agreement. A good divorce mediator will help you plan for the plan that you never thought you'd need.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

summer vacations

8/23/2019

Now is often the time for summer vacations, and during divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always ask clients about how they want to include family vacations in their post-divorce parenting plan. Of course, vacations need not be a big expensive trip away – sometimes they just involve an opportunity for each parent to have some extended time with the kids.

Generally, divorcing parents want to keep some of the same plans that they have had before they were divorced. So, for example, if they usually take a week with the kids down the shore, or attend an Independence Day barbecue with family, they want to keep that consistency. In mediation, we suggest that divorcing parents make their vacation plans a few months before summer begins to give both parents time and notice, and we put safeguards in their agreement so that there are no disputes about who gets which week for his/her plan.

Sometimes, when clients have long-term traditions of spending time with family or family friends over the summer, it can be difficult to decide whether and how to alter these traditions. Can you both still go? Do you need to alternate years? Do you need to come up with a totally different plan, so no one feels left out? By addressing these issues in divorce mediation, we work to resolve them sooner rather than later to minimize future disagreements. With productive, early communication, both you and your children can have a fun-filled summer.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

THE MORE YOU PUT IN WRITING NOW

8/9/2019

The more you put in writing now, when you are having a friendly divorce, the less chance there is for any fighting down the road if you happen to have a less friendly post-divorce. Sometimes our clients want an open parenting plan with nothing specifically written about who spends time where. They will just work it out because they get along and continue to plan to do so. And that is great and can work…. until it isn’t great and does not work.

It is hard to predict the future. What if you both have new partners down the road whose extended family makes a huge deal about Thanksgiving and you both want the kids for Thanksgiving Day? You are no longer spending the day together as you originally thought when you got divorced. What if you both have shore houses booked for the same week? Whose responsibility is it to follow through with and pay for the QDRO to divide that retirement fund? These are the issues you can address in mediation to avoid any confusion in the future, rather than just say we will work it out as needed.

The parts of your divorce agreement that you think are not necessary are like insurance, it is good to have but you hope that you will never need it. If you make plans now, when things are relatively good, you can avoid any potential disagreements in the future. Oh…it says in our divorce agreement that Jane is paying for and filing for the QDRO. No discussion needed. Oh…it says in our divorce agreement that John gets first pick this year for summer vacation. The kids are going to his rental beach house. No fighting needed. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators address these potential pitfalls. It is better to have a fallback plan and never need it then have no fallback plan and need one.

To learn more about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Explaining Child Support

7/26/2019

During divorce mediation, divorcing parents are often confused by child support. How is it calculated? What is included? Can it change over time? Dealing with the uncertainty of how much each parent is going to pay to support their kids makes people anxious. By explaining child support to our divorce mediation clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC., we try to take some of the stress out of the divorce process.

Generally speaking, the state has a formula for calculating child support based on the parents’ incomes and the amount of time each parent spends with the children. Child support is designed to cover children’s day to day expenses of food, shelter, transportation, entertainment, clothing, etc. Additional costs like child care and health insurance are also factored into the equation.

Some special expenses are not included in the state’s formula and have to be addressed separately. These special expenses include things such as private school, college education, some extra-curricular activities’ expenses, and big celebrations like bar/bat mitzvahs, confirmations and Sweet Sixteens. Moreover, higher earners may find that the state child support guidelines cannot be applied to them. In those cases, parents determine their child support responsibilities based on a budget of their children’s actual expenses.

The Courts require divorced parents to pay child support until their children are emancipated – usually once the kid graduates from college, joins the military, gets married or begins working full-time. Child support can and should be recalculated on a regular basis. So, if one or both of the parents’ incomes goes down, they can seek to reduce their financial responsibility. The opposite is also true -- if the divorced parents’ incomes go up, or the children’s needs increase, the amount can be revised upward to account for these changes. Once our divorce mediation clients understand how child support works, they often feel more comfortable moving forward.

For more information on child support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

FILING FOR DIVORCE TO MOVE MEDIATION ALONG

7/12/2019

At the most recent mediator networking event the question came up about how to get both parties to continue to participate in mediation to completion, when they are almost done with the process. Sometimes one person unconsciously or deliberately stalls the process, usually because s/he can enjoy the perk of being currently separated without actually being divorced. A final, legal divorce will affect their current lifestyle so s/he is trying to put that off as long as possible. Or a person does not want to be labeled divorced. Checking the married box for another little while feels better, so mediation is stalled. A spouse will not make another appointment to come in and make some final decisions.

Usually the person who wants to get divorced is eager to continue the process and presses the more reluctant spouse to make another mediation appointment. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we have seen clients be more than 90% done, decisions made, and then, one party refuses to return to address that remaining few issues, that last 10%. So, what recourse does a person have?

Unfortunately, in divorce mediation not much. You can wait and cross your fingers that the reluctant spouse changes his/her mind and resumes mediation. Divorce mediation requires both parties to participate in the process. It moves faster, is more amicable and costs significantly less than litigation because both spouses are in the same room, directly speaking with one another about all the issues, making decisions about their new futures. And it is voluntary. You cannot force your spouse to participate. One recourse the person has, and not to be a jerk but just to move the process forward, is to file the divorce proceedings with the court and serve your reluctant spouse with divorce paperwork. Once your spouse is served s/he has a time limit to respond. This will either gently prod him/her to return to mediation to finish up addressing the few remaining issues or hash it out in court. Either way, resolutions will be reached and a divorce will be finalized. Hopefully, s/he can still see that mediation has worked and can continue to work until the end and s/he will return to mediation. But s/he may need that nudge of filing to move along the process.

To learn more about divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.