Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

Dealing with Divorce in the Days of Coronavirus

4/3/2020

As divorce mediators, we have been seeing firsthand that the stresses of life as a divorcing or divorced couple have been made that much harder by the new guidelines for daily life in place during the Coronavirus pandemic.

Many couples who have decided to get divorced are currently confined to their homes together because of the pandemic, adding to heightened tension all around. Moreover, the family’s ability to move forward by either selling their home, renting or buying a new home, or changing jobs has become much more limited, at least in the short term. A lot of people are currently unemployed and dealing with enormous financial pressures.

Similarly, in post-divorce households, ex-spouses are also dealing with new potential obstacles. Following parenting plans has become more fraught, with increased concerns about the children’s health, education, and activities. In addition, neutral places to pick up kids when they change households – like schools and libraries - have been closed. Moreover, when issues or disputes arise, the courts are providing only limited services to parents seeking enforcement of parenting plans.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we are continuing to help our divorce mediation clients get through these trying times. With calm compassion, we guide our clients through the sometimes complicated separation process to make workable plans for their future. In our experience, we have found that looking forward and creating practical plans for the days and years ahead helps people cope with the uncertainty and difficulty of their current circumstances.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

HEALTH CARE DECISIONS AND DIVORCE

3/20/2020

In this time of the Coronavirus COVID-19 pandemic people who are getting divorced have an extra layer to consider. It is important to designate who has the power to make health care decisions for your children when getting divorced. There are actually two broad distinctions of custody in New Jersey- legal custody and physical custody. Legal custody involves major decisions regarding the children including, but not limited to, health care, education, selection of school, religious training, selection of child care providers, tutors, private lessons and extra-curricular activities. Physical custody involves where the children will be living and spending their time. Most people who use mediation have both joint legal and physical custody. You can have joint physical custody even if the kids spend more time with one parent than the other.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators make a point of explaining these two types of custody and having it clarified in writing in the divorce agreement. So, parents must be in agreement about any medical treatment for their children. However, there is an exception as well. In the case of an emergency (like your kid fell out of a tree and broke her arm or you are concerned your child has the Coronavirus) a parent is able to seek immediate medical attention without permission from the other party. However, that parent must inform the other parent as soon as possible and provide all information about the nature of the emergency as well as the name, location, and phone number of the hospital providing the emergency care. Both parents need to be aware of any follow-up care. And if the child then needs supportive care (nebulizer, inhaler, etc.) both parents must keep whatever the child needs in their respective homes.

These are standard procedures our divorce mediators write into your divorce agreement. So, while the Coronavirus is wreaking havoc with the world right now, if needed you are prepared to seek medical treatment for your child without having to worry about getting permission from your co-parent first. Joint legal custody means both parents have to be in agreement, except in case of an emergency. I think everyone can agree that this Coronavirus pandemic feels like an emergency.

Be well.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

divorce and pets

3/6/2020

In many homes, pets – dogs, cats, lizards, rabbits -- are considered part of the family. So what happens to the pets if you get divorced?

In our divorce mediation agreements at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we always address how you are planning to care for the pets post-divorce. We consider what is in the best interest of the animals and the family. In addition to being an emotional issue, this is also a financial one, because pet care can be expensive. Also, some housing options do not allow for animals. So our divorce mediation agreements have to take feelings, finances and logistics into account.

For some families, the divorcing couples decide that the pets should follow the kids, so when the kids switch homes, the pets come along. Other families divide the pets over two households, with each adult responsible for their designated animal. In addition, some divorcing couples add in special instructions regarding the animals – for example, that the cats can’t be declawed, or that if one ex-spouse can’t care for the pet any longer, the other one gets first rights to the pet. By creating an agreement that address the needs of each specific family including the family pets, we help minimize the stress of the divorce process.

For more information about parenting plans and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DATE OF DIVIDING ASSETS AND DEBTS IN A DIVORCE

2/21/2020

You have a date the divorce is finalized, which is when you are granted your divorce by the judge at court. But there is a divorce process that precedes this date. One of the very important decisions you and your spouse will make during this divorce process is the date you will use to divide your assets and your debt. What is the value of the retirement accounts, credit card debt, investment accounts, etc. on this date? And how do you decide what date to use? If you have been separated for several years and you want to use the date you separated you will have to do some digging into your files to see what the amounts were in the accounts back when you split.

Another date decision that has to be made is when are you separating not just your big picture assets but your day to day finances. Who is paying what bills and what accounts are staying open or closed? Are you closing the joint checking account or is one person keeping it and removing the other’s name and access to this account? On what date is this happening? When do you no longer have access to the joint credit card? When are your getting separate car insurance and are no longer eligible for the multi-car discount?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help couples come up with a realistic plan to address all of these issues. While it is up to the couple to execute the divorce plan (the mediator does not accompany you to the bank to close out the accounts), the mediator helps both of the parties develop a practical plan about dividing up the marital assets and debt and when to do this. When going through divorce mediation you have the flexibility to decide on a date that makes sense for your situation. Some couples have never thought about it before and choose the date that it is discussed in divorce mediation. More specific dates could be the date of separation, the date of filing the divorce complaint, the date the divorce is finalized or anything in between. One time a couple picked their anniversary so they could say they made it to twenty years before splitting everything up.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Paying for College

2/7/2020

When divorcing clients come to mediation to work out a parenting plan, they are often surprised that the agreement for paying for their children’s expenses extends all the way through college.

In New Jersey, the courts have long viewed post high school education as a necessity for which parents are at least partially responsible. Therefore, it needs to be part of every divorcing couple’s parenting plan. As tempting as it may be, ignoring this issue now will not make the obligation to contribute to your kids’ education go away. In fact, if you do not address college as part of your divorce agreement, the court may later impose its own plan based on your children’s needs and goals and both parents’ resources.

As part of the divorce mediation process, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help divorcing couples come up with a plan for paying for college for their kids regardless of how old their kids are now. We talk about all the relevant factors -- costs, decision-making, college savings plans and applying for financial aid. Of course, it is hard to predict your children’s future educational needs and wants. Still, we have found that having a basic framework in place helps avoid big arguments and litigation expenses down the road.

For more information about parenting plans and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DIVORCE AND CREDIT REPORTS

1/24/2020

During the course of divorce mediation, it is helpful to run your credit report. This allows each party to see the amount of debt in real numbers that exists from the marriage. You don’t want just the credit score but the actual long report. Where is the debt coming from (student loans, credit card, mortgage)? Whose name is attached to which debt? Do you have old joint credit cards that you forgot about and should now close? All of this is important when sorting out the financial picture of the marriage. You are allowed to get one free credit report every 12 months. Here is the website: https://www.annualcreditreport.com/index.action

One of the goals of divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, is to divide the marital assets and debts in a fair and equitable way in an amicable manner. This is a more straightforward process when you are dealing with actual numbers and not just estimates. It is helpful to know that there is this exact amount left on the car loan as of this date and not maybe there is $5,000 left. Some people are surprised, either in a good or bad way (maybe really $4,100 or maybe really $6,800), with how much they owe.

Another helpful reason to get a credit report is to protect yourself in the future. This means that if you disclose via the credit report to your spouse during mediation that there is a set amount left on the mortgage or on a credit card, your spouse cannot in the future take you back to court and accuse you of hiding money. For example, three years from now your spouse cannot return to court claiming s/he should have gotten more equity from the house because the mortgage was not as high as you claimed. The credit report, which is shared between the parties during mediation, shows exactly what was owed on the mortgage and the other party can’t claim that s/he didn’t know.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

everyone benefits from divorce mediation

1/10/2020

We have already talked about everything, do we still need a divorce mediator? We never talk at all, can we still go to divorce mediation? Yes and yes.

As divorce mediators, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we meet divorcing couples who are at different places in their relationship. Some soon-to-be-exes have worked out a parenting and financial plan for moving forward after divorce; some have not even agreed about ending their marriage; and most are somewhere in-between. Regardless of your preparation for the future, divorce mediation can be extremely helpful.

For those couples who have already worked out some details of their plan, the mediator can help by reviewing the plan. She asks the right questions and makes sure that the divorcing couple understands what they have agreed to. Then the mediator writes up the agreement in a way that is both comprehensive and flexible, and clearly reflects the family’s plan. By addressing all of the issues, divorce mediation reduces the chances that the family will have later disputes and will have to return to Court multiple times.

For those families where the spouses are not on the same page about moving forward or have not yet discussed how the new set-up will look, the divorce mediator breaks the process down into small, manageable steps to make it less overwhelming. She ensures that each party’s voice is heard, so that no one feels that he or she was steamrolled into agreeing to something that makes him or her uncomfortable. By working closely with the couple, the divorce mediator makes a difficult process less stressful and creates a fair agreement for the family going forward.

In divorce mediation, we meet you where you are in your own relationship and process, and help guide you along to a future that makes sense for your family.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

MARRIAGE STORY ON NETFLIX

12/20/2019

As a divorce mediator, I watched the movie Marriage Story on Netflix through a specific lens. Overall it was done well. The actors are really good, the plot is mainly realistic, and it is only slightly too long. The gist of the plot is that a couple is breaking up and they have one son in elementary school. They are in show biz and she has an opportunity to do a TV pilot in LA and he is the founder/director of an edgy theater company in New York and his play is going to Broadway. So logistically they cannot live on the same coast. They start out somewhat amicable and their first stop is a divorce mediator. One of my few criticisms of the movie, besides the random singing, is that the mediator is portrayed in too much of a love/peace/happiness role. *****SPOILER ALERT*****This is done more as a plot mechanism to help tie in the ending.

The role of a divorce mediator is to help a couple reach agreements about their divorce. A mediator does not act as a therapist. There is no delving into their underlying issues or processing the reason for their divorce. Mediation deals with the practical topics in a divorce. What is the issue and what is the decision you land on regarding this issue? The process itself is what promotes more of a positive outcome, especially for co-parents. The couple sees that, even though it may be difficult, they can work together when it comes to their children. Success begets more success. And people are more likely to follow through with an agreement that they had input into. They are more likely to follow the terms of their own decisions rather than one that a random judge assigned to them or that their lawyer asked for even though they did not want it (which happens in the movie). So, couples are less likely to have to return to court for any post-divorce changes to their divorce agreement than if they litigated.

The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, understand how scary and difficult divorce can be and work with the couple to break down the process into smaller, more manageable steps. The unknown can be overwhelming. This is why people often turn to divorce attorneys to just get it done, rather than mediation. This is well portrayed in the movie. However, what starts out amicably and with the best intentions can quickly spiral into a horrible, expensive, emotionally draining, custody battle and divorce process. It seems clear in the movie that neither parent wants this and they are a little bewildered at how they ended up there. Even though I think Marriage Story does an inaccurate job of portraying the actual mediator, I think it does a wonderful job of promoting divorce mediation.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

taking a break

12/6/2019

Sometimes we get clients who want to take a break from their marriage. They are not sure whether or not they want to get divorced, but they want to try living separately for a while, to see if a new living arrangement will reduce their daily stresses and arguments, and allow them to work on issues in their marriage and family in a healthier way.

While New Jersey does not have an official legal separation, in our divorce mediation practice at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we often help couples create an agreement for living apart. We work out both a parenting plan and a financial agreement, so that the separated couples can have a blueprint for their new living arrangement and see what works best for them.

Sometimes, living separately gives couples the space they need to work out underlying problems, and they are able to reconcile after living apart for a while. And if not, trying out the new parenting and financial plan allows them to see where adjustments should be made to their agreement if they ultimately decide to file for divorce. Separation is often a good interim step for couples contemplating divorce.

For more information about separation agreements or divorce mediation, , please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A DIVORCE MEDIATOR'S TOOLBOX

11/15/2019

How can a divorce mediator help couples resolve an impasse when the divorce mediator stays neutral and does not take sides? The couple has been going around and around on the issue repeatedly fighting about it (parenting plan, money, alimony, etc.) and is making no progress. What can a mediator add to the mix so decisions can get made?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators are prepared with a “toolbox” for divorce to address a wide variety of issues. There are resources that a mediator uses to help make things clearer for clients. It may be as straightforward as mapping out a potential parenting plan on a blank 4-week schedule. This helps the couple see visibly on a handout who is responsible for the kids when. It also plainly shows how long you go with/without seeing your children. This tool then makes it simpler to move things around until you arrive at a resolution that both co-parents can abide by. Or sometimes the mediator will encourage co-parents to use an ongoing resource, even once they are divorced. A handy app, like Our Family Wizard https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/ helps co-parents figure things out that constantly come up with kids that parents want to know. For example: expenses for the kids (school pictures, coaches gift, field trip), sharing general info (what shoe size is Jack now), or to commemorate a unique situation (Jane finally lost her tooth today). These are just a few examples of the resources that the divorce mediator has in her handy toolbox, ready to share with clients, that the clients don’t know about sitting in their kitchen arguing with one another.

Once the mediator passes on these tools to you, you can continue to have a successful relationship with your co-parent once mediation is completed. It reminds me of the adage- give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. You need mediation to learn how to fish. Sitting in your kitchen fighting with one another or not speaking to one another at all about these issues gets you neither. But after mediation you will continue to feed yourself with the tools you learned in mediation.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.