Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND!

1/14/2022

What goes around comes around. This can certainly be true in your relationship with your once spouse/now co-parent. As you start to discuss where the kids are going to be on a day-to-day basis, you also have to take into consideration all of the special occasions, holidays, vacations and summer plans that may supersede your everyday plan. And that’s especially when what goes around comes around may come into play.

And that’s not even the reality of changing the day-to-day plan this week because you have to work late on Tuesday instead of Wednesday as normal, or the school concert got switched to a different day and time because of Covid. Those changes come up all the time. But then there is the ask that you ask just because it makes your life easier. It is more convenient/cheaper to fly out on Thursday night rather than wait until Saturday morning when your official summer vacation time starts. So, you ask your co-parent to do you a solid. And if you have done him/her a solid in the past it is easier to make this ask than if you have just denied your co-parent’s request for an adjustment to the parenting plan.

So how do you start this co-parenting post-divorce relationship off on the right foot? It actually starts when you are still married and working on your divorce agreement in divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC. The divorce mediators will specifically mention how important it is to be flexible on a day-to-day, week-to-week basis and overall, in the big picture, in making adjustments as needed, and it will be needed. The divorce mediators point out that flexibility is the most important factor in your entire parenting plan. A 50-50% parenting plan on paper is nice on paper, but then there is real life. And real-life changes constantly. Divorce mediation helps build a strong foundation for an amicable post-divorce relationship. You realize that you can work together, especially for the children’s benefit. And positive interactions build upon more positive interactions. So, it will be easy and natural to make that ask, because you both do it all the time. And if you are constantly saying no to the ask, just out of spite, just remember… what goes around comes around.

For more information on child support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A Good Time For Divorce Mediation

12/23/2021

Like most people, we are feeling drained by the endless pandemic. Still, if there is any silver lining in this difficult period that we have all been living through for the past two years, it may be that the pandemic has made people stop to consider what is important in their lives and work toward making positive changes. As a result of this “Covid clarity”, many of our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC have sought divorce mediation to improve their family situations and plan for happier less stressful futures.

Divorce mediation offers divorcing couples a better alternative to litigation. We work with clients to create a parenting and financial plan that works for their particular family. The process is broken into small steps so it is manageable and not overwhelming. There is no retainer required – the process is pay-as-you-go which works well for many budgets. Divorce mediation offers a quicker, less expensive path to divorce, and gives clients more control over the costs, pace and final agreement.

Living through Covid has taught us all the value of doing things that make you happy with the people who make you happy. It is time to make decisions that will improve your life now and in the future. If you are considering divorce, it may be best to use divorce mediation for your path forward.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

INTO THE UNKNOWN WITH DIVORCE MEDIATION

12/10/2021

Fear of the unknown is a common occurrence in many areas of our lives. The pandemic has certainly brought this concept to the forefront of our collective minds. It is also one of the factors that makes the idea of divorce so scary. So many people stay in an unhappy marriage because they think that a miserable known is better than a happier unknown. The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, can help make the unknown known, which is a lot less frightening, and clear a path to a happier ending for the story of your life. A mediator offers support and allows you to take small, manageable steps to get from A to Z at a pace that makes sense for your situation. There are many decisions to make that effect your family and financial future. But you don’t have to make them all at once. And once you start making a few decisions you can see that you are capable and comfortable making many more.

It is not uncommon for couples to start mediation in very different places. One person wants the divorce more than the other person. One person may not want the divorce at all, not one bit. One person may be angry or very emotional and the other person may be flat and depressed. But what we see time and time again is how the process of divorce mediation and time transforms people. Often the person who leaves divorce mediation is very different from the person who started divorce mediation, in a positive way. Each party was able to contribute to decisions for their individual futures and empower themselves both emotionally and financially. They were able to make major life decisions slowly but surely, until all decisions about the divorce were made.

One of the major benefits of divorce mediation that allows people to make these decisions is that these decisions are not legally binding until you get to court. So, the plan you develop in mediation can be taken for a test drive and tweaked if necessary. The unknown becomes known and you can see if you like it, if it makes sense for your new futures or if adjustments are needed before being finalized in court. This makes the unknown a lot less scary.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed,. Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Mediation and Mental Health Issues

11/26/2021

“Can I still use mediation to get divorced if my partner (and/or I) has (have) mental health issues?” This is a common question we hear from prospective clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC.

And the answer is “yes” for most people, and “no” for some others.

In divorce mediation, clients work together to create a divorce agreement covering parenting, division of assets and debts, alimony and child support. The mediator guides them through the process and serves as an impartial facilitator helping the divorcing couple reach a fair and workable compromise. Generally, our clients consult lawyers during the process, but they attend the mediation sessions alone.

So, if you or your spouse have mental health issues but you still can effectively advocate for yourself, then divorce mediation is a good alternative to litigation for you. It is a less stressful, faster process which affords your more control over the outcome, so it may in fact be particularly beneficial for some people. Nonetheless, divorce mediation clients with a history of mental illness or addiction may want to take additional steps in crafting their agreement. For example, the divorce agreement may include requirements that the parties remain in treatment as a condition of the parenting or support plan, or that a parent has to submit to random drug screenings or a breathalyzer test before his/her parenting time begins. Such clauses help protect both the ex-spouses and the children going forward.

However, if one of you is too mentally fragile at this point to fully engage in the negotiation process, it may make more sense for you to use lawyers to help you advocate for your interests. Similarly, if clients are actively using substances that impact their relationship and/or decision-making, we also consider whether that person can participate fully in the process. Divorce mediation is a great alterative to litigation but it may not be appropriate for everyone at every point in their life.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

COLLEGE FOR YOUR CHILD AND DIVORCE MEDIATION

11/12/2021

It seems like everyone on my daughter’s college tours last week was from New Jersey. Families were taking advantage of the Teacher’s Convention days off from school to pursue the college hunt. College options and paying for college can be a difficult, but necessary, conversation to have when getting a divorce, no matter the current age of your child/children. I realize that it is hard to think about college when you are struggling to pay for daycare for your toddler. But this is one of those things that divorce mediators know that clients don’t. Often times if issues around college, like when to start to talk about college, SAT/ACT prep class, college visits, college applications, FAFSA forms, computer needs, transportation to and from school, and the list goes on and on, are not addressed in your divorce agreement, no matter how old your child is when you get divorced, these topics come back to haunt you when your child is in high school or starting college.

College is one of the top reasons clients come to see us for post-divorce mediation. Their original divorce decree, which was not done through Westfield Mediation, LLC, with our divorce mediators, does not mention their child’s college education and now the time has come and they are in disagreement about expectations and costs. If clients do not have anything written about their children’s college plans and costs written into the divorce agreement, they run the risk of doing more/paying more than they may have decided upon at the time of their divorce. During the course of divorce mediation, the divorce mediator can provide options to help both parties come to a general agreement about expectations each has of the other and from their child. Then down the road when reality hits you have a framework to abide by and guide you. Some couples may want to tweak their original agreement depending on their actual circumstances and not the projection they made 13 years ago when they got divorced and their child was 4 years old. But at least they have a baseline to work from and do not have to pull something out of thin air. Maybe each parent agreed to pay x amount each year towards the costs of higher education but one party got a new, high-paying job a few years ago and wants to go over and above the agreed upon amount so their child will have fewer student loans or no loans at all. Great! But what if each agreed to pay 25% and that is all each can pay. You are protected from one parent suing the other parent, the child suing a parent, etc. because of your written agreement. If there is no agreement then there may be more court involvement. Yikes!

The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation always bring up the issue of post-high school education plans with every couple who have children, regardless of their current age. We acknowledge the absurdity of discussing college plans for your preschooler during your divorce, but also warn about the pitfalls of not doing so.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Divorce and Social Security

10/22/2021

With the rise of divorce among older married couples -- so-called “gray divorce”-- some couples going through divorce mediation have questions about Social Security income and how it factors into their financial agreement. Divorcing clients that are close to retirement age are wise to consider the options for this income stream as part of their financial futures.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC , we always explain to our clients that the rules regarding Social Security are complicated and often changing, so it is best to consult with the Social Security Administration and/or an elder law attorney before making any binding decisions.

Generally speaking, based on current rules, ex-spouses may elect to receive one-half of the amount of their ex-spouse’s Social Security instead of an amount based on their own work history, as long as the parties had been married for at least ten years. The claiming ex-spouse must be at least 62 years old and not remarried. In addition, the benefit the claiming ex-spouse would receive based on his/her ex-spouse’s work history must be more than the amount that the claiming ex-spouse would receive from his/her own work history. The earliest ex-spouses could claim these benefits is age 62, and the latest is at age 70 years. (Clients over a certain age may be entitled to receive their ex-spouse’s benefit at age 62 and their own benefit at age 70). It is important to note that claims by ex-spouses do not reduce the amount of the earner’s own Social Security benefit.

To figure out when would be the best time to claim these benefits, divorced clients must consider their personal financial circumstances and health conditions. In divorce mediation, we discuss the options with our clients once they have had an opportunity to learn about the specific possibilities available to them by gathering information from outside resources. By addressing these important income issues in mediation, we reduce our clients’ stress and better prepare them for the days ahead.

For more information about financial agreements and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

KIDS CAN BE EXPENSIVE

10/8/2021

Kids can be expensive. When getting a divorce, often times parents assume that child support covers all of the costs associated with raising their children and once he/she writes that child support check each month his/her financial responsibility is complete. But kids are really expensive and child support covers the bare minimum of these expenses. In New Jersey there are three types of costs factored into the mandated child support guidelines formula- fixed costs that occur if your kids are with you or not with you (like housing), variable costs that occur when your kids are with you (like transportation and food) and controlled costs of which you have direct control (like clothing, personal care items and entertainment).

So, you can’t ask your co-parent for extra child support money to go to the movies with the kids. It is already included in child support. Or to take them out to dinner. Also, already included in the child support calculation. But what about all the other really expensive costs that come up for your children that child support does not cover- so there is no mandated formula to help you figure out payment- costs for their cell phone each month, travel soccer, weekly piano lessons or braces.

Ideally you and your co-parent decide how to address all of the financial costs that come up constantly that are not covered by child support during the process of mediation, before you get divorced. Once you separate your one joint bank account into two individual accounts how do you know who is paying how much for what for all of the non-child support expenses? The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, help you make sure your children’s cell phone bill continues to get paid each month. During the process of mediation, you will develop a strategy to pay for all of the expenses that are over and above the payment of child support. One of the benefits of divorce mediation is that you have the flexibility to work out a plan that is tailored to your needs. The divorce mediators can help you figure out what works best for your particular financial situation. Because, as we all know, kids can be expensive.

For more information on child support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

How Long Does Divorce Mediation Take?

9/24/2021

When prospective clients call, they often ask how long the divorce mediation process takes. The simple answer is easy – usually clients attend 4-6 one-hour sessions, generally 2 weeks apart, so you may be done in 8 -12 weeks. We can even meet weekly if you are in a hurry. The gaps between appointments provide clients the time they need to gather information and/or think about the issues and the options.

While the majority of our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, do wind up following this path, for others, the process takes longer. Some clients prefer to spread out the intervals between appointments for budgetary reasons. Mediation is pay-as-you-go, which is different from litigation where a lawyer requires an upfront retainer fee of several thousand dollars, so clients set up the meetings in a way that works for their particular financial situation. For others, they want to try out living their new parenting plan before committing to it in Court. And sometimes people want to get in a more settled financial place – either with their jobs or their new living arrangements before they move forward.

Even when clients finish mediation, they don’t all choose to get divorced right away. Sometimes people finish most of the process, and then take months away from mediation to be sure, or because other issues have arisen in their lives that they need to deal with first. In other cases, people wrap up, but then decide not to get divorced until months or years later. In these situations, clients often call us to update their documents one last time before filing.

So, the real answer to the question “how long does the process take?”, is that it is up to you. We can move as quickly or as slowly as you want. In divorce mediation, unlike divorce litigation where the Court sets the calendar, you can proceed on your own timetable. This is one of the many reasons that divorce mediation is a less stressful alternative to litigation.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

DIVORCE, FEELINGS AND DECISION MAKING

9/10/2021

The main quality a person needs to have in order for divorce mediation to be successful is the ability to make realistic decisions. Often people come to mediation with a whole host of feelings- anger, sadness, shock, fear, etc. And each of these feelings may be felt stronger at different times in the process. But if these feelings are so overpowering that they freeze your ability to make a rational decision, then mediation might not be the best option for you right now. Even when you are so angry that your spouse had an affair, which is very understandable, you may still have to consider the idea that the kids will spend time with your co-parent. If this concept is off the table because of your feelings about what s/he did but you still really want to participate in mediation, then it may be useful to seek outside sources. A therapist or a divorce coach can help you cope with all of the emotions when getting divorced, so you can more effectively participate in mediation.

Many decisions need to be made when getting a divorce. Some of them seem relatively straight forward, like I’ll keep my car and you keep your car. And some of them much more complex. But all of these decisions need to be made. We find that most people in mediation actually agree about most things. There are usually only one or two sticking points that require some give and take by both parties. However, if you are unable to make any decisions on your own, a possible next step is to use a divorce attorney who would advocate for your best interests.

Divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation helps you take control of the process. You are able to make these important decisions for your future. But you also have to be reasonable. You cannot expect to walk away with extreme excess of what would happen if you went to court and had a trial. For example, you won’t budge and want 100% of the parenting time, when the starting point is generally 50%-50% parenting time. During mediation you may compromise to 70%-30% of parenting time, which is less than your ideal but still way more than a judge might apply. You are still allowed to have all the feelings when participating in divorce mediation, but you also have to be able to make important decisions while feeling them.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

New School Year, Covid and Divorce

8/20/2021

With summer winding down and the new school year starting soon, this may be a good time for divorced or divorcing couples to evaluate their current parenting and financial plans. Unfortunately, the coronavirus is still a factor, which may impact family decision-making for the foreseeable future. In divorce mediation, we help divorcing couples create flexible parenting and financial plans to guide them through this process of dealing with changing schedules and options. And in some cases, when new issues arise, clients come back to mediation to address them and work together to ensure that they are on the same page.

In some families, kids are returning to school for the first time in many months. This transition may impact the parenting plan. In addition to the usual concerns of getting the children to school on time and accounting for their afterschool time, in divorce mediation, we now have new things to consider like vaccines and masking. Separated and divorced parents must also decide together what activities they are comfortable having their kids participate in and whether there should be any limitations on socializing and travel.

In addition, many businesses are opening up their offices this September with some companies requiring workers to return at least part-time. This development affects parenting plans and creates new child care needs because of the increased amount of time parents are spending outside of home at work and commuting. Moreover, the rebooting economy has impacted employment opportunities and upended the housing market which impacts divorcing couple’s financial decisions regarding assets, debts and support.

At Westfield Mediation, we work with divorcing and divorced couples to help you come to resolution on all of these issues in a less stressful way. By guiding you through this process, we make a potentially difficult time of the year much more manageable.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.