Our Divorce Mediation Blog

Introducing new Partners

11/30/2018

Some people come into divorce mediation vowing never to marry or even date again. Realistically and statistically, this is not what is going to happen. So, one issue that we address in the divorce mediation parenting plans at Westfield Mediation, LLC, is how and when to introduce new partners to your children after divorce.

This can be a sticky issue for both the ex-spouses and the kids. In our agreements, we include a section that says parents will introduce the kids to a new partner only if they are in a committed relationship. Psychological studies show that it is upsetting to children to meet a stream of new potential mates for their parents, so it is best to have some commitment to the person before bringing him or her around. Still, we leave it up to the parents to decide what “committed relationship” means. And sometimes clients want the relationship to be a specified length – 6 months, one year, etc. for it to count.

We also suggest to our divorce mediation clients, that you give the other parent a heads up before the introduction takes place. This way, he or she will be prepared for any questions or reactions from the children. Often, our clients want to meet the new person too to see whom their kids are hanging out with, though we remind them that they cannot choose their ex-spouse’s new friends, boyfriends or girlfriends.

As divorce mediators, we do not usually address how these meetings should go. However, we do note that many therapists have weighed in on the best way to introduce new partners to your kids, and it would be worthwhile to do some research beforehand to smooth the transition.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

ASSESSING ALL OF THE ASSETS IN A DIVORCE

11/16/2018

One of the goals of divorce is to separate financially from one another. Sometimes you remain financially connected due to child support, expenses for the kids, college tuition, alimony, etc. But when going through a divorce you want to try to separate your financial entanglements as much as possible. You open up separate and individual bank accounts, you get individual instead of joint credit cards, you get your own car insurance. Sometimes in a divorce you divide joint assets, such as shares of stock or a pension, into separate accounts or you keep control entirely of one asset, such as a business.

You agree that once you are divorced and separate your assets into these individual accounts you have sole control over them. You manage when to sell your shares of stock and have no say over what your ex-spouse does with his/her shares after the divorce. If you kept all your investments with Bernie Madoff and your ex-spouse pulled all of his/her investments, then post-divorce you are bummed and poor and your ex-spouse is not. The same is said for a small business. If your spouse got 100% of the business in the divorce because you thought the business was not worth much, and then the business takes off, you cannot claim you are entitled to some of that success. Once you give up your claim to something, no backsies.

During divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we recommend that couples get all of their assets valued by outside, objective sources. You want to understand with hard facts what you are giving up and what you are keeping. Many times, people don’t want to go through the effort and expense of getting pensions or businesses evaluated. Instead they often ballpark what they think it is worth and then trade one asset for another. I’ll keep my pension and you keep your 401(k). However, if they got their pension evaluated, they would see that this is not an even swap. Or you may think your business is worth x but really it is worth y. You keep the business worth $100,000 (so you think) but really it would be valued at $25,000 by a forensic accountant doing a business valuation. So, in the divorce settlement you end up giving up too much of your entitlement to your spouse’s retirement funds so you can keep your business. In order for you to truly swap one asset for another you need to know the actual value of it all.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

The Mediation Plan

11/2/2018

Sometimes people come to divorce mediation with a plan. They say we have already talked about everything and we know what we want to do about the kids, the house, the money, etc. On the other hand, sometimes new clients come to us and say that they haven’t talked at all about anything and the only thing they have agreed upon is coming to this first meeting. Both kinds of clients can be good candidates for divorce mediation.

In divorce mediation, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we guide divorcing couples through the process and help them come to an agreement on parenting, the division of assets and debts, child support and alimony. For those divorcing couples who come to us with an agreement in mind, we make sure that their plan is complete, that they have considered all of the issues, that they understand what they are entitled to, and that they know what they are signing up for. Often, we find gaps in their plans that they had not yet considered. We help them by drafting a plan that is flexible enough to cover any changes that may arise with their kids, or their jobs, while also comprehensive enough so that they do not have to go back to court over the years.

We also provide valuable guidance for those divorcing clients who have no idea how to begin. We address their feelings of being overwhelmed and make the process manageable by breaking it down into small steps. We explain the options and take away the stress that comes with uncertainty. Together, we create a plan that works for their particular family.

Generally, there is more than one kind of candidate for divorce mediation. Whether or not a divorcing couple comes to mediation with a plan for moving forward, there is still much to be gained from the process.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

GOING TO COURT TO GET YOUR DIVORCE FINALIZED

10/19/2018

All marriages and divorces have official paperwork attached to them. I vividly remember going to the New York county clerk’s office and filling out the paperwork for my marriage license. This was no easy task since I lived in Connecticut at the time. So, I had to take an entire day off of work just to do the paperwork for marriage. You may have to do the same for your divorce. Annoying- but necessary. In almost all situations, you have to go to court to have your divorce granted by the judge.

My clients often ask why does a couple who goes through divorce mediation and agrees on everything in the end still have to go to court. They don’t want to take time off of work and court seems so intimidating and unnecessary. That is where the official paperwork comes in. I have been told that your attorney, or the judge if you have no attorney, will show the court that you think the agreement is fair, understand everything you agreed to in the divorce decree, were not forced into the agreement, that it resolves all the issues in your case, etc. It seems like it is a safety net preventing you from rescinding your agreement down the road. For example, you agreed to five years of alimony, but then five years later you want to return to court saying you didn’t really understand that alimony was for just five years, and now you want to extend it. There are witnesses and signatures that say otherwise. You previously stated and signed that you did understand and you did agree to these terms on the day you were in court. You both need to sign the divorce decree as well. Official paperwork.

It may be an inconvenience to have to take off of work to get divorced. But it is the only time you will have to go to court if you utilize divorce mediation. Westfield Mediation, LLC, offers different hours each day to best suit our clients needs, including evening hours. We can schedule appointments around your busy schedule. If you litigate your divorce you have to go to court many times and take many days off of work. You can be one and done with divorce mediation.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Affordable divorce

10/5/2018

“Can I afford to get divorced?” A lot of people ask us that, and the answer is generally “Yes.” In divorce mediation, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we show our clients how they can afford to go through the divorce process, set up separate homes, and move on to a happier, less stressful place.

First, the process. While going through a divorce is never free, if you use divorce mediation, instead of costly lawyers for adversarial litigation, you end up paying about 10-20% of the price for a better, quicker process.

Second, establishing two homes. In most cases, creating two households from one costs money, but it does not have to be overwhelming. In divorce mediation, we guide our clients through the steps to ensure that they each have a new place to live that they can afford. We help divorcing couples lay out their assets, debts and budgets, so that they know what they have, and what they can reasonably spend in the short run. The fear of separating some expenses like health insurance, car insurance, credit card payments, etc., sometimes keeps couples in an unhappy marriage. However, separating expenses does not have to mean doubling them. There are ways to deal with these expenses that make them more affordable.

Third, moving forward. Focusing on the expenses of the divorce process sometimes blinds couples to the costs of staying in an uncomfortable, dissatisfying home situation. Living with conflict contributes to stress and has a negative effect on emotional and physical health. Going through a divorce to move forward with your life can easily outweigh some of the financial costs of the process.
For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DIVORCE AND HEALTH INSURANCE

9/21/2018

It is not legal to be married to more than one person at a time. This is one of the reasons you have to go to court to legalize your divorce. Also, the government cares what box you check on your tax returns- married, single, etc. A third logistical reason that others care if you are legally married or not is eligibility for health insurance. Once you are divorced you cannot be covered by your spouse’s health insurance. It does not matter if it is open enrollment time or not. When you get divorced you become ineligible as a spouse. A divorce is considered a life-changing event (like the birth of a child) and can happen any time during the year.

There is a status of married- but not married and not divorced. It is called divorce from bed and board. It is a way for people to be unbeholden to one another financially and emotionally but still technically be married. This was developed as a work-around for people who wanted to get divorced but couldn’t because of their religious beliefs. They are still married to one another and are unable to marry a different person. This morphed into another work around- for people who want the technicality of being married for the purposes of maintaining eligibility for their spouse’s health insurance and not for religious reasons. Judges caught on and it is very difficult now to be granted a divorce from bed and board.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our divorce mediators help you figure out your plans for health insurance. Perhaps the cost of acquiring your own health insurance will be covered by spousal support? What is COBRA and how much does it cost? (Once you are divorced you are eligible to access health insurance through COBRA for a maximum of three years). Who is covering the kids? There are so many important issues that have to be addressed in a divorce. By using a mediator, you will make sure you don’t miss any and have covered them all, like health insurance.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

divorce mediation vs. arbitration

9/7/2018

Divorce mediation is different from arbitration. Divorce mediators do not act like judges -- they don’t decide for you what kind of parenting plan or financial arrangements you should choose. Instead, divorce mediators, like us at Westfield Mediation, LLC, let you decide what works best for you.

In divorce mediation, we guide you through the process to a fair agreement. We help you resolve your parenting and financial issues by making sure that you have gathered the relevant materials and information, and asking you the important questions for your future. We step in to make sure both spouses are heard, and have a voice in the process. But, we do not pick a plan for you.

That means that for divorce mediation to work, you need to have some ability to work together. Even if you cannot easily agree on all issues, you need to be compromise-minded. By guiding you through the divorce process, and letting you create your own agreement, we make sure that each of you have your say in the final product. And divorcing couples are more likely to follow an agreement that they have had input in creating than one that was decided for them in arbitration or litigation.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

NON-BINDING MEMORANDUM OF UNDERSTANDING

8/24/2018

The agreements that you reach in divorce mediation are put into a non-binding Memorandum of Understanding. Memorandum of Understanding is just a fancy industry term for a report that reflects the agreements you have reached in mediation. The key-term in that first sentence is non-binding. Non-binding means not legally agreed to. So, why do people go through a process that is meant to end their marriage if each party is not beholden to stick to the agreement in the document? This is a great question.

Divorce mediation works because it is not legally binding. People have the flexibility to make agreements in good faith without the rigidity of every decision being final. During the first meeting at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we explain that the agreements are not set in stone and legally binding until you get to court and get your divorce agreement signed off on by the judge or otherwise made binding by you between yourselves. You have the freedom to adjust who is spending Thanksgiving Day with the kids until you get to court. You have the freedom to reduce spousal support from 10 years to 8, until you get to court. You have the freedom to end up splitting the joint bank account 60/40 instead of 50/50 to balance out the other assets you are dividing. It is nice to have this wiggle room.

People find that divorce mediation works really well because both parties are involved in the decision making. Studies have shown that people who have input into their divorce agreement are more likely to follow through with the agreement and less likely to return to court post-divorce to change the agreement. People tend to end up with the agreement they reached in mediation as their final divorce agreement. Sometimes minor tweaks are made before the agreement is finalized, which is the beauty of mediation. You have the ability to make those changes as needed before going to court. Once you get to court and you and the judge sign the divorce decree, what is written in the document is legally binding.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Parenting pLans and 529 accounts

8/10/2018

There has been a lot of buzz lately about the changing tax laws and the impact on alimony. (Essentially, after 2019, the paying party no longer has a tax deduction and will be taxed on the alimony he/she pays, while the receiving party is not taxed on this income.)

Another change in the new tax law -- getting less attention, but also important -- involves private school. Parents can now use funds in their 529 accounts to pay for private school tuition and books from elementary school through high school. This money used to be set aside for college or post-high school education only.

For our divorce mediation clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we create a plan for all the parenting expenses, including education expenses. For some families, that includes private school. So, now this change in the tax code has to be factored in. Being able to pay for private school with tax free dollars may help some families. In addition, families with existing 529 accounts may benefit from being able to access this money earlier.

But there are potential problems as well. For example, divorcing parents who want to use their 529 accounts for private school will have to consider whether there is going to be enough money in these accounts for both private school and college for their children or whether they need to rethink their long-term savings plans. In divorce mediation, we work together with our clients to create agreements that are comprehensive enough to address their children’s needs through college, yet flexible enough to account for the changing financial situation of the family.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Divorce and Therapy

7/27/2018

With the divorce rate being so high, odds are that you know someone (or two or three) who has gone through a divorce. Divorce has become normal in our society. A person is not regarded as an oddity if s/he gets divorced. The same is getting closer to being true for being in therapy. It is becoming more accepted to get support for your struggles.

When going through a divorce, it is quite common to need therapy for yourself, your co-parent, your children, or any combination of the family. As divorce mediators, we often recommend therapy to our clients. You are not crazy or mentally ill for seeking help. You are doing the best you can for yourself and your children during a difficult time in life. This hardship is not forever and people tend to find that the tough times do pass in time. Therapy helps you cope better and get through the dips in life faster.

Some people are still resistant to the idea of therapy because of the stigma it may carry. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we offer our clients a list of qualified therapists in the area who are knowledgeable about the mediation process and the common struggles people encounter when going through a divorce. We explain that when you turn 100 years old and look back over the course of your lifetime you may acknowledge that the year you got divorced was a rough one. Therapy can make it a little less rough.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.