Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

Mediation and Mental Health Issues

11/26/2021

“Can I still use mediation to get divorced if my partner (and/or I) has (have) mental health issues?” This is a common question we hear from prospective clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC.

And the answer is “yes” for most people, and “no” for some others.

In divorce mediation, clients work together to create a divorce agreement covering parenting, division of assets and debts, alimony and child support. The mediator guides them through the process and serves as an impartial facilitator helping the divorcing couple reach a fair and workable compromise. Generally, our clients consult lawyers during the process, but they attend the mediation sessions alone.

So, if you or your spouse have mental health issues but you still can effectively advocate for yourself, then divorce mediation is a good alternative to litigation for you. It is a less stressful, faster process which affords your more control over the outcome, so it may in fact be particularly beneficial for some people. Nonetheless, divorce mediation clients with a history of mental illness or addiction may want to take additional steps in crafting their agreement. For example, the divorce agreement may include requirements that the parties remain in treatment as a condition of the parenting or support plan, or that a parent has to submit to random drug screenings or a breathalyzer test before his/her parenting time begins. Such clauses help protect both the ex-spouses and the children going forward.

However, if one of you is too mentally fragile at this point to fully engage in the negotiation process, it may make more sense for you to use lawyers to help you advocate for your interests. Similarly, if clients are actively using substances that impact their relationship and/or decision-making, we also consider whether that person can participate fully in the process. Divorce mediation is a great alterative to litigation but it may not be appropriate for everyone at every point in their life.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

COLLEGE FOR YOUR CHILD AND DIVORCE MEDIATION

11/12/2021

It seems like everyone on my daughter’s college tours last week was from New Jersey. Families were taking advantage of the Teacher’s Convention days off from school to pursue the college hunt. College options and paying for college can be a difficult, but necessary, conversation to have when getting a divorce, no matter the current age of your child/children. I realize that it is hard to think about college when you are struggling to pay for daycare for your toddler. But this is one of those things that divorce mediators know that clients don’t. Often times if issues around college, like when to start to talk about college, SAT/ACT prep class, college visits, college applications, FAFSA forms, computer needs, transportation to and from school, and the list goes on and on, are not addressed in your divorce agreement, no matter how old your child is when you get divorced, these topics come back to haunt you when your child is in high school or starting college.

College is one of the top reasons clients come to see us for post-divorce mediation. Their original divorce decree, which was not done through Westfield Mediation, LLC, with our divorce mediators, does not mention their child’s college education and now the time has come and they are in disagreement about expectations and costs. If clients do not have anything written about their children’s college plans and costs written into the divorce agreement, they run the risk of doing more/paying more than they may have decided upon at the time of their divorce. During the course of divorce mediation, the divorce mediator can provide options to help both parties come to a general agreement about expectations each has of the other and from their child. Then down the road when reality hits you have a framework to abide by and guide you. Some couples may want to tweak their original agreement depending on their actual circumstances and not the projection they made 13 years ago when they got divorced and their child was 4 years old. But at least they have a baseline to work from and do not have to pull something out of thin air. Maybe each parent agreed to pay x amount each year towards the costs of higher education but one party got a new, high-paying job a few years ago and wants to go over and above the agreed upon amount so their child will have fewer student loans or no loans at all. Great! But what if each agreed to pay 25% and that is all each can pay. You are protected from one parent suing the other parent, the child suing a parent, etc. because of your written agreement. If there is no agreement then there may be more court involvement. Yikes!

The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation always bring up the issue of post-high school education plans with every couple who have children, regardless of their current age. We acknowledge the absurdity of discussing college plans for your preschooler during your divorce, but also warn about the pitfalls of not doing so.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Divorce and Social Security

10/22/2021

With the rise of divorce among older married couples -- so-called “gray divorce”-- some couples going through divorce mediation have questions about Social Security income and how it factors into their financial agreement. Divorcing clients that are close to retirement age are wise to consider the options for this income stream as part of their financial futures.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC , we always explain to our clients that the rules regarding Social Security are complicated and often changing, so it is best to consult with the Social Security Administration and/or an elder law attorney before making any binding decisions.

Generally speaking, based on current rules, ex-spouses may elect to receive one-half of the amount of their ex-spouse’s Social Security instead of an amount based on their own work history, as long as the parties had been married for at least ten years. The claiming ex-spouse must be at least 62 years old and not remarried. In addition, the benefit the claiming ex-spouse would receive based on his/her ex-spouse’s work history must be more than the amount that the claiming ex-spouse would receive from his/her own work history. The earliest ex-spouses could claim these benefits is age 62, and the latest is at age 70 years. (Clients over a certain age may be entitled to receive their ex-spouse’s benefit at age 62 and their own benefit at age 70). It is important to note that claims by ex-spouses do not reduce the amount of the earner’s own Social Security benefit.

To figure out when would be the best time to claim these benefits, divorced clients must consider their personal financial circumstances and health conditions. In divorce mediation, we discuss the options with our clients once they have had an opportunity to learn about the specific possibilities available to them by gathering information from outside resources. By addressing these important income issues in mediation, we reduce our clients’ stress and better prepare them for the days ahead.

For more information about financial agreements and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

KIDS CAN BE EXPENSIVE

10/8/2021

Kids can be expensive. When getting a divorce, often times parents assume that child support covers all of the costs associated with raising their children and once he/she writes that child support check each month his/her financial responsibility is complete. But kids are really expensive and child support covers the bare minimum of these expenses. In New Jersey there are three types of costs factored into the mandated child support guidelines formula- fixed costs that occur if your kids are with you or not with you (like housing), variable costs that occur when your kids are with you (like transportation and food) and controlled costs of which you have direct control (like clothing, personal care items and entertainment).

So, you can’t ask your co-parent for extra child support money to go to the movies with the kids. It is already included in child support. Or to take them out to dinner. Also, already included in the child support calculation. But what about all the other really expensive costs that come up for your children that child support does not cover- so there is no mandated formula to help you figure out payment- costs for their cell phone each month, travel soccer, weekly piano lessons or braces.

Ideally you and your co-parent decide how to address all of the financial costs that come up constantly that are not covered by child support during the process of mediation, before you get divorced. Once you separate your one joint bank account into two individual accounts how do you know who is paying how much for what for all of the non-child support expenses? The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, help you make sure your children’s cell phone bill continues to get paid each month. During the process of mediation, you will develop a strategy to pay for all of the expenses that are over and above the payment of child support. One of the benefits of divorce mediation is that you have the flexibility to work out a plan that is tailored to your needs. The divorce mediators can help you figure out what works best for your particular financial situation. Because, as we all know, kids can be expensive.

For more information on child support or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

How Long Does Divorce Mediation Take?

9/24/2021

When prospective clients call, they often ask how long the divorce mediation process takes. The simple answer is easy – usually clients attend 4-6 one-hour sessions, generally 2 weeks apart, so you may be done in 8 -12 weeks. We can even meet weekly if you are in a hurry. The gaps between appointments provide clients the time they need to gather information and/or think about the issues and the options.

While the majority of our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, do wind up following this path, for others, the process takes longer. Some clients prefer to spread out the intervals between appointments for budgetary reasons. Mediation is pay-as-you-go, which is different from litigation where a lawyer requires an upfront retainer fee of several thousand dollars, so clients set up the meetings in a way that works for their particular financial situation. For others, they want to try out living their new parenting plan before committing to it in Court. And sometimes people want to get in a more settled financial place – either with their jobs or their new living arrangements before they move forward.

Even when clients finish mediation, they don’t all choose to get divorced right away. Sometimes people finish most of the process, and then take months away from mediation to be sure, or because other issues have arisen in their lives that they need to deal with first. In other cases, people wrap up, but then decide not to get divorced until months or years later. In these situations, clients often call us to update their documents one last time before filing.

So, the real answer to the question “how long does the process take?”, is that it is up to you. We can move as quickly or as slowly as you want. In divorce mediation, unlike divorce litigation where the Court sets the calendar, you can proceed on your own timetable. This is one of the many reasons that divorce mediation is a less stressful alternative to litigation.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

DIVORCE, FEELINGS AND DECISION MAKING

9/10/2021

The main quality a person needs to have in order for divorce mediation to be successful is the ability to make realistic decisions. Often people come to mediation with a whole host of feelings- anger, sadness, shock, fear, etc. And each of these feelings may be felt stronger at different times in the process. But if these feelings are so overpowering that they freeze your ability to make a rational decision, then mediation might not be the best option for you right now. Even when you are so angry that your spouse had an affair, which is very understandable, you may still have to consider the idea that the kids will spend time with your co-parent. If this concept is off the table because of your feelings about what s/he did but you still really want to participate in mediation, then it may be useful to seek outside sources. A therapist or a divorce coach can help you cope with all of the emotions when getting divorced, so you can more effectively participate in mediation.

Many decisions need to be made when getting a divorce. Some of them seem relatively straight forward, like I’ll keep my car and you keep your car. And some of them much more complex. But all of these decisions need to be made. We find that most people in mediation actually agree about most things. There are usually only one or two sticking points that require some give and take by both parties. However, if you are unable to make any decisions on your own, a possible next step is to use a divorce attorney who would advocate for your best interests.

Divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation helps you take control of the process. You are able to make these important decisions for your future. But you also have to be reasonable. You cannot expect to walk away with extreme excess of what would happen if you went to court and had a trial. For example, you won’t budge and want 100% of the parenting time, when the starting point is generally 50%-50% parenting time. During mediation you may compromise to 70%-30% of parenting time, which is less than your ideal but still way more than a judge might apply. You are still allowed to have all the feelings when participating in divorce mediation, but you also have to be able to make important decisions while feeling them.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

New School Year, Covid and Divorce

8/20/2021

With summer winding down and the new school year starting soon, this may be a good time for divorced or divorcing couples to evaluate their current parenting and financial plans. Unfortunately, the coronavirus is still a factor, which may impact family decision-making for the foreseeable future. In divorce mediation, we help divorcing couples create flexible parenting and financial plans to guide them through this process of dealing with changing schedules and options. And in some cases, when new issues arise, clients come back to mediation to address them and work together to ensure that they are on the same page.

In some families, kids are returning to school for the first time in many months. This transition may impact the parenting plan. In addition to the usual concerns of getting the children to school on time and accounting for their afterschool time, in divorce mediation, we now have new things to consider like vaccines and masking. Separated and divorced parents must also decide together what activities they are comfortable having their kids participate in and whether there should be any limitations on socializing and travel.

In addition, many businesses are opening up their offices this September with some companies requiring workers to return at least part-time. This development affects parenting plans and creates new child care needs because of the increased amount of time parents are spending outside of home at work and commuting. Moreover, the rebooting economy has impacted employment opportunities and upended the housing market which impacts divorcing couple’s financial decisions regarding assets, debts and support.

At Westfield Mediation, we work with divorcing and divorced couples to help you come to resolution on all of these issues in a less stressful way. By guiding you through this process, we make a potentially difficult time of the year much more manageable.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

WHAT TO DO WITH THE MARITAL HOME?

8/6/2021

A major asset most couples have is their marital home. What to do with your home can be a point of contention during the divorce process. There are some basic options that most couple land on:

Sell the marital home and share the proceeds in some way
One person remains living in the marital home and “buys out” the person who moves out
Both of you remaining living in the marital home
Both of you remain living in the marital home and “nest” to a shared alternate residence
None of the above and you figure out a unique plan- like selling the house but not until x years from now when your youngest child graduates from high school

Options 1 and 2 tend to be the most popular. Options 3 and 4 are usually less desirable and more short-term solutions rather than life-long lifestyles. Option 5 can be created in mediation to suit your unique needs. But what if two people cannot agree on any option?

It is best to assess the reality of each scenario. What is the value of your home and your mortgage? What is the cost of running the household- mortgage, insurance, taxes, maintenance, repairs, utilities, etc. Can you afford to refinance the mortgage in your name only and buy out the other person? Can you tolerate living together? Can you emotionally and financially handle sharing a nest? Now you can rule in realistic plans and rule out unrealistic ones.

But what if more than one option is realistic and you disagree about what that option should be? This is where a mediator can be very helpful. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, all we do is divorce mediation and we address the issue of how to handle the house all the time. Having a neutral mediator be a part of the conversation helps steer away from the emotional aspects tied to each option and look at the practicality of each scenario. It helps you focus on the future and what will be best for you and your family. While a a judge will likely say you need to go with option 1, a mediator does not make this important decision for you, but works with both of you to reach a resolution.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Questions to Ask Before Hiring A Divorce Mediator

7/23/2021

Many of our clients find us through referrals from friends, family members, co-workers, or therapists. Everyone knows someone who has gone through divorce, and it is often useful to learn from their experience. Other clients find us online, after googling “mediation”, “divorce mediator near me”, “parenting”, “alimony”, etc.

Either way, finding a mediator is just the beginning. Once you reach out to a divorce mediator, either through email or by phone, how do you know whether you should choose her to help you through this potentially stressful process?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we suggest that divorcing clients seeking mediators ask the following questions before making an appointment:

1. Do you have experience dealing with the types of issues presented in my
situation? For example, if you are a high earner with a low earning spouse or vice
versa, have they seen that before? Will they be able to help you create a parenting plan that works for your particular family situation? If you have special challenges
like mental health issues or debt, have they successfully addressed that before?

2. How much do you charge? Find out whether there is an hourly fee or a set fee for
the whole process. Ask whether the process is “pay as you go” or if a retainer is
required. Learn what the average cost is for clients, and what happens if you need to pause the process for some reason.

3. How long is the process? Ask how many meetings there will be, and the length of the meetings. Are they in person or virtual? Do they offer times when you are
available, e.g., mornings, evenings, weekends?

4. How is the mediation process structured? What do you leave with at the end of the
process?

After you have gathered this information, consider how it meshes with your own vision of how the divorce mediation should go. In addition, you should think about whether you felt comfortable communicating with the mediator.

Because this can be a difficult process, that most people only go through once, you need to trust your instincts on whether the mediator is going to be a good fit for you and your family.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A BETTER WAY TO DIVORCE

7/9/2021

Divorce does not have to be the end of the world for your children, although there may be moments when it feels that way to them. But kids in intact families may face different scenarios and feel like their world is ending too. So, it is not the divorce in itself that is so devastating. It really comes down to how the parents handle the divorce. Studies have shown that high parental conflict post-divorce can have an adverse effect on your children. I always think of the scenario of the school concert. Both parents eagerly attend, but sit as far apart as humanly possible because of the outward hatred each has for the other after their very difficult divorce. They still have a bad taste in their mouth from the entire process and can’t even think of being physically near their co-parent. The concert is over and your kids gets off the stage. Who does this child run to first for the warm hugs and shouts of “Congratulations” “Great Job” and “I’m so proud of you”?

Tough spot to inadvertently put your kid in. But these difficult choices happen all the time to children after a bad divorce. But it doesn’t have to be this way. Imagine that after the concert the co-parents sat near enough to one another, or dare say even next to one another, so their child comes off the stage to their parents’ seats in the auditorium to receive the earned accolades. The child does not have to choose because the parents can tolerate each other. They don’t have a lingering bad taste in their mouth about their divorce because they used a divorce mediator to get divorced.

The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, help co-parents develop an effective co-parenting relationship. A divorce mediator is a neutral third party that helps couples stay focused on their futures while addressing all the issues of their divorce- parenting plan, division of marital assets and debts, child support, and spousal support. Both parties are able to negotiate with one another and learn to get of the win-lose mindset common in litigated divorces and approach these issues and one another with a give and take, win-win attitude, which influences their co-parenting relationship in a positive, practical way. The best interest of the children is always the top priority and parents learn to put aside their own needs and wants for the benefit of their children. And once you realize that you have given and gotten and so has you co-parent as well, it makes it easier to sit closer to one another at that concert, game, graduation, wedding, etc.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.