Westfield Mediation, LLC - Our Divorce Mediation Blog

ARE YOU LEANING IN OR LEANING OUT OF YOUR MARRIAGE?

5/25/2023

I recently learned about a new term when considering divorce- “leaning-out”. The person “leaning-out” wants help to decide whether to end a marriage or seek help for the relationship. The person “leaning-in” wants to stay married and is distressed that their partner is talking about divorce or may not even realize that their partner is leaning out. What I also learned from this webinar* is that talking to others about divorce is helpful. In the survey people talked to divorce lawyers and mediators. But they also talked to, in varying degrees, a religious leader, marriage counselor, friends/co-workers or family members. Between 75-95% of the time people found that talking to any one of these groups was helpful.

Specifically, 90% of the people talking to a divorce attorney or mediator (they were grouped together in the survey) found it helpful. This was the second highest most helpful group, coming in behind religious leaders at 95%. Thoughts about divorce often fluctuate. At various points in the longitudinal study a “leaning out” person became “leaning in” and vice versa. The point is that talking to a divorce mediator does not mean that you are absolutely getting divorced. However, it can be helpful to gather concrete information about divorce. This can help you decide your next steps. Maybe you return to couples counseling with renewed commitment to make the marriage work. Maybe you begin to make different financial and interpersonal decisions now knowing that divorce is in your future.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we offer a one-time 30-minute consult for “leaning out” people. This allows the person thinking about a divorce to gather more information about how the court system works in New Jersey and the process of mediation. We clearly explain the steps needed to officially get divorced through the court system. We also explain how mediation works and how it is different from some other ways of getting divorced. This knowledge can help a person feel more comfortable with their decision to stay in the marriage or not. If they decide not to stay in the marriage, the goal is for both parties to participate in mediation together to begin the divorce mediation process.

For more information about a one-time consult or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

*William J. Doherty, Ph.D. and Steven M. Harris, Ph.D.
Helping Individual Clients Facing Divorce Decisions (2023, May 5)
MN Couples on the Brink Project
University of Minnesota

The Benefits of Virtual Mediation

5/11/2023

My recent presentation at the New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators conference about the growth of virtual divorce mediation has gotten me thinking about the benefits of an online process for clients. Since the pandemic, many clients have chosen to participate in divorce mediation virtually, enabling them to move quickly through the process while avoiding some of the hassles of meeting in-person.

With virtual mediation. there is no travel time, so you can choose a divorce mediator anywhere in the state to meet your needs. In addition, you and your spouse can attend together from one device or you can log in separately from separate devices and just meet up on screen. Some divorcing clients find that participating from different locations allows them to avoid some of the tension of sitting together hashing things out in a conference room.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we offer virtual appointments during the day and in the evening to accommodate clients’ work schedules. On occasion, clients meet with us virtually during their lunch hours – either from their offices or another location with privacy. Virtual divorce mediation also eliminates many of the issues that arise with babysitting as well as any worries about needing to cancel for illness.

At our divorce mediation practice, we have found that many clients prefer a hybrid approach – for example, they schedule the first meeting in person so that we get to know each other without the barriers of technology, and then we hold subsequent meetings online to take advantage of the convenience. By offering in-person, hybrid or virtual options, divorce mediation provides clients with the flexibility that they need to move their divorce process forward in a less stressful, more efficient way.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

WHY WOULD I USE A DIVORCE MEDIATOR IF I AM GOING TO USE A DIVORCE ATTORNEY ANYWAY?

4/27/2023

Why would I use a divorce mediator if I am going to use a divorce attorney anyway? This is a question that comes up a lot when clients call to ask about divorce mediation services. Potential clients may be wary to spend time and money on mediation if they have to pay for a lawyer also. What’s the point? Why not just use attorneys for all of it? From the outside looking in I think this is a valid question. Why use two professionals for a divorce when I could use only one?

The super simple answer is time, money, control, and confidentiality. These are important factors in your divorce process that you maintain authority over during mediation. Divorce attorneys have an important, limited, role in the divorce process when used in conjunction with, and not in place of, mediation. In mediation you are able to get divorced in a more amicable manner, for significantly less money, at a much faster pace with meetings scheduled at your convenience with all the issues discussed in mediation staying in mediation and not the public court system. Time, money, control and confidentiality. A divorce attorney is a part of your divorce process, but in a more finite way than if they were you only source of support. So, you get the benefit of an attorney without the huge price tag.

In New Jersey it is possible to get divorced without using attorneys at all. You complete all the court paperwork yourself and you represent yourself in court. It is called being pro se. While it is perfectly legal, it is not best practice. The divorce mediators at Westfield Mediation always recommend using a review attorney (a divorce attorney acting in a more limited role) to advise you of your legal rights, review your divorce agreement, file all the court paperwork, and accompany you to court.
A divorce mediator, one professional, can cover 90% of the divorce process by helping you reach an agreement about all the areas of your divorce- a parenting plan which includes child custody, a fair and equitable financial distribution of your marital assets and debts, child support and spousal support (used to be known as alimony). The divorce attorney, or yourself if you are pro se, helps with the other 10%. This 10% is important, but it is only 10%. That 10% of attorney time still has a cost, but it is significantly less expensive than paying two attorneys 100%. A divorce mediator and a review attorney are the best of both worlds for the least amount of time, money, and stress.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Who Is a Good Candidate for Mediation?

4/13/2023

Many people start the divorce process by contacting a divorce attorney. This first step can be a good way of gathering information about the process and the possible outcomes. It may be helpful to ask a divorce lawyer about the best/worst case scenarios and the potential costs for each scenario in your particular situation.

However, at Westfield Mediation, we have found that it may not make sense to stick with a lawyer for crafting your divorce agreement. Divorce litigation is usually extremely expensive, very time-consuming and adversarial and you do not always end up with a comprehensive and fair agreement. For most people, divorce mediation is simply a better alternative.

Unlike litigation, divorce mediation saves time and money and gives clients more control over their own divorce agreement and process. Still, some divorcing spouses may worry that the nature of their own relationship does not make them good candidates for divorce mediation. Maybe the spouses argue a lot or don’t communicate at all; or one of them earns significantly more money than the other. In some cases, one person is a financial expert and the other has been the primary parent and is well-versed in the kids’ schedules and needs.

In our divorce mediation experience, we have found that even if you and your spouse do not communicate well or have an imbalance in your understanding of the children’s activities and/or the financial issues or a complicated financial portfolio, the benefits of mediation in terms of cost and control and stress reduction, will still make it more beneficial to go through divorce mediation rather than divorce litigation.

An impartial divorce mediator can guide you through the process to ensure that both parties’ interests are expressed and everyone’s concerns are addressed. The divorce mediator can offer outside referrals to financial and tax experts to ensure that both parties have the same fiscal knowledge coming into any negotiations. A good divorce mediator does not allow one party to be steamrolled by the other and guides clients to a fair result for both spouses. For most people, it may be useful to consult with a lawyer for any legal questions, but hammering out the divorce agreement is best done in mediation.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

WHAT COULD BE MORE OF A BUMMER THAN TAXES?

3/31/2023

What could be more of a bummer than taxes? Divorce and taxes. But it doesn’t have to be. It will only be a bummer if you do not discuss how to handle your taxes when you are getting divorced. If you miss this crucial step then divorce and taxes could be a huge bummer. Taxes are an important topic that is often low on the totem pole of things addressed in your divorce agreement. So low, that some people miss it.

That does not happen during divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC. We cover all the big topics, like a parenting plan, fair and equitable distribution of your marital assets and debts, child support and spousal support (used to be known as alimony). You will know what is happening with your kids, child custody, money, house, retirement funds, credit card debt, how much you pay/receive in child support and/or alimony. But we also cover the small details- like taxes. What happens if a few years from now when you have been divorced for a little while you get audited from four years ago from a time when you were married. Yuck! What to do? You can refer to your divorce agreement and know how to proceed.

The timing of your divorce can also affect your taxes. It matters what your marital status is in the tax year to determine what your filing status is the following April. And your marital status is determined on December 31 of each year. You can be divorced before April 15 in 2023 and still file as a married couple in April 2023 for the tax year of 2022, because you were still married on December 31, 2022. So, should you hurry up and get divorced in December or wait until January? You can also address how is the big refund being shared? What if you suddenly owe an unexpectedly large amount to Uncle Sam? Again…yuck! But it can be a little less yuck because you already figured out what to do in divorce mediation.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

The Housing Market and Divorce Mediation

3/16/2023

Are higher mortgage interest rates a good reason to postpone getting divorced? We have been hearing from a lot of potential divorce mediation clients that they want to move forward with their lives but they are afraid that they won’t be able to sell their home and/or afford a new one since the mortgage rates are up from their pandemic lows.

Yet, while it is true that the housing market is somewhat unsettled right now, and interest rates are higher than they were over the past two years, it is important to keep in mind that from a historical perspective they are not that high. Still, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we understand that for most people, their home is their most significant asset, so these financial concerns are not unreasonable.
In divorce mediation, we work with divorcing couples to come up with a plan for selling or keeping the house in light of current economic conditions that takes the family’s needs into account and works for both parties now and into the future.

We also realize that there is always going to be some possible reason to delay taking action. As mediators, we find that it is common for people considering divorce to wonder at any time whether this is “the best time” to move forward. In reality, change is hard. There is never going to be a perfect time, and the future is always going to be unpredictable. What’s important to remember, is that for every obstacle that arises in this divorce process, there are workarounds. And that’s what we come up with in mediation. Plus, there are a lot of sound emotional reasons for moving forward. The relief and mental health value of moving ahead for couples considering divorce should not be underestimated. Through mediation, our clients recognize that it is important to focus on the benefits of improving their day-to-day lives instead of getting stuck on the reasons for staying put.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE JUDGES GONE?

3/2/2023

What if in Kramer vs. Kramer or Marriage Story the divorce was put on hold because there was no judge available to make a decision about the case? Well, that is what is happening in some counties in New Jersey. Due to judicial vacancies, judges that were once available to hear contested divorces are now being pulled off your divorce case to work on criminal cases. You can read Chief Justice Stuart Rabner’s statement. This went into effect February 21, 2023. It effects Vicinage 13 (Hunterdon, Somerset and Warren counties) and Vicinage 15 (Cumberland, Gloucester and Salem counties). Chief Justice Rabner warns that other vicinages may face the same fate in the near future.

So what can you do if you want to get a divorce in 2023 or the first half of 2024? The good news is that uncontested divorces are still being processed in a somewhat timely manner. An uncontested divorce is when you do not need the judge to decide on any topic covered in your divorce agreement. You have figured out a parenting plan (child custody, holidays, child support, etc.), division of marital assets and debts (what is happening with the house, retirement accounts, bank accounts, credit card debt, etc.) and spousal support/alimony (how much and for how long). You submit all of your paperwork to court, it gets processed, and then you appear/Zoom before the judge one time to get your final judgement of divorce granted by the judge. Sometimes, you don’t even need to appear before the judge, just complete the paperwork, for the courts to finalize your divorce.

But how do you get from where you are now to an uncontested divorce? Two words….Divorce Mediation. In divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, both spouses meet together with a neutral, impartial, trained mediator who helps them come to a mutually acceptable agreement about all issues in their divorce. Divorcing couples make decisions for themselves by directly communicating with one another, instead of waiting until next year or beyond for a judge to make these decisions for you. The parties can keep control over their own divorce process and meet according to their time table, instead of waiting for a judge to be ready to see them. Mediation costs so much less than going to court to litigate. No retainer is required. You pay-as-you-go. It is a more affordable divorce with a lot less drama than a public trial. Mediation is private and confidential.

Movies make it seem like trials happen all the time. In the real world, only about 2% of all divorces in New Jersey are finalized through a trial. Some people think they are going to trial and spend a lot of time and money preparing to go to trial, only to end up settling before the trial is completed. 98% of the people getting a divorce- settle. So, if you are part of this very large majority and probably will settle at some point in the process, you can start from the beginning with this knowledge and mindset and effectively use divorce mediation services. The most economical and fastest way to get your uncontested divorce finalized is by using a divorce mediator.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Dividing the Assets in Mediation

2/17/2023

You can still use divorce mediation even if you and your spouse have a big difference in income. In fact, this is a pretty common scenario for our clients at Westfield Mediation.

There are several possible reasons for a big difference in income. Sometimes, one spouse was the primary earner, while the other was the primary parent. In other cases, one spouse earned more than the other because of their field of employment, their work history or their job choices over time.

As part of our drafting a financial plan in divorce mediation, we go through the couple’s assets and debts to work out a fair way to divide them. Generally, the assets accrued during the marriage are considered both spouses’ property regardless of which party was the main breadwinner and regardless of whose name is on the account. Some couples in divorce mediation understand this concept right away and are prepared to work together on a plan for equitable distribution. For others, it is hard to wrap their heads around the idea that the monies that one partner earned while working are going to have to be divided and shared with the lower-earning spouse.

In divorce mediation, we work with clients to develop creative financial solutions. Part of the process may involve addressing one or both parties’ concerns that each spouse did not contribute evenly to the household’s financial needs. We find that addressing these emotions helps prepare clients for compromise. At the end of the day, everyone has to understand that the family’s assets and debts are jointly owned and will have to be shared. Rather than offering a forum to rehash old arguments, divorce mediation is future-oriented. We provide a place to create a fair plan for the equitable distribution of assets and debts that allows both spouses to move ahead with their lives.

For more information on financial plans and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DIVORCE MEDIATION WORKS FOR SHORT-TERM MARRIAGES

2/6/2023

Any length of marriage can effectively utilize divorce mediation. The benefit for clients ending their short-term marriages is that you can clearly and quickly spell out the terms of your divorce agreement. If you have no children, in a mere 2-3 meetings you can plainly identify all of your marital and non-marital assets and how they will be allocated and/or shared. Anything that is non-marital is not up for grabs. So, if you have a rollover IRA from a job you left before you were married and that has not been co-mingled with any marital money, then that is not in the marital pot of assets to be divided. If you have educational loans that you accrued before you were married, those will continue to be your sole responsibility after the divorce.

Depending on how long your short-term marriage lasted may influence how you look at your marital assets. Recently, a couple that was married for less than one year decided to leave the marriage with whatever each came into the marriage with. What’s mine is mine and what’s yours is yours. They used mediation to put it all in writing and avoid any confusion or misunderstandings down the road. They plan to file the court paperwork and zip through the remaining steps to get divorced. Another couple has been married for a few years. They are stuck about what to do with the house, which they bought last year during a hot market with low interest rates. Now the interest rates have doubled and they have very little equity in the house. They are using mediation to reach an agreement about this issue and to put into writing all of the other financial issues that they agree upon already.

During the process of divorce mediation you create a divorce agreement, no matter how long you have been married. Even with short-term marriages there are plenty of benefits to using a mediator. You can reach an agreement in a few sessions, at a reasonable price, without missing any important details about your finances that could be costly in the future. You don’t know what you don’t know. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our practice is solely focused on divorce mediation. It is all we do. So, we do know what you don’t know about divorce. We can guide you through the process quickly and cost-effectively.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

How to Be a Good Mediator

1/20/2023

Westfield Mediation, LLC’s recent launch of a new coaching and mentoring program for divorce mediators has made me think a lot about what makes a good divorce mediator. As coaches and mentors, we want to make sure that our mentees are ready to start their own practice and be successful.

So, what are the next steps? Divorce mediators must bring background knowledge as well as intangible skills to the table.

When divorce mediation clients come in, they want to feel reassured that the mediator knows how to put together a blueprint for their marital settlement agreement. That means that divorce mediators must know how to address parenting, the equitable distribution of assets and debts, child support and spousal support (alimony). Mediators help clients craft a parenting schedule and address decision-making for their children on all areas of their children’s lives including school, health, activities, religion and college. In addition, divorce mediators help divorcing couples divide their assets from bank accounts to retirement accounts. They also guide them to reach an agreement about the home, the cars, credit cards, pets etc. Essentially, every aspect of their lives together. Finally, they work on the support part of the divorce agreement – how is the divorcing couple going to make sure that the children’s financial needs are met and that both spouses can maintain a standard of living similar to their marital lifestyle.

Aside from acquiring this knowledge base about divorce, the mediator needs to develop certain key skills, to guide the clients through the process of developing a fair, workable agreement. Specifically, the mediator needs to learn to listen to the clients to find out what each party is seeking. Good listening can be harder than it sounds, because divorcing couples are often emotional and not always thinking practically. A mediator also needs to be fair and neutral. It takes sincere effort to recognize your own biases and make sure that you are not favoring one client over the other or allowing one client to call the shots. Finally, the mediator needs to be a good explainer. It is important that couples leave the mediation process with a clear understanding of what they have agreed to and how to proceed.

When divorcing couples come to mediation, they are asking for help to plan for their future. Learning how to be a good mediator is not easy. But the rewards that come from helping clients move forward make the process worthwhile for both the clients and the mediators.

For more information about divorce mediation or Westfield Mediation, LLC’s coaching and mentorship program, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Authors

Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed.,LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with many years of experience working with couples.

Randi M. Albert, JD, is an attorney with experience in family law and public service.

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