The focus in divorce mediation is on coming up with a plan that is “fair and equitable.” Keeping that standard in mind for our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC would seem to lead to an easy path for dividing assets and debts, and creating a reasonable plan for spousal support. Yet, in many divorces, the emotional and the financial are all tangled up, and what’s fair to one person seems quite unfair to the other.

Generally, (with a few exceptions), both the assets and debts accumulated during marriage are shared. But what if one spouse ran up big credit card bills while having an affair, or in a less extreme scenario, buying high-ticket items he or she knew that other spouse wouldn’t approve. Should those bills still be evenly shared? What if one spouse helped the other pay off debt early in their marriage – is there any credit later on for that assistance? What if one party’s low salary was an ongoing source of strain, should that spouse still get an equivalent settlement or generous alimony plan?  Are the burdens borne by the primary parent and the primary earner the same? Should they share the pot evenly?

These are the kinds of emotional financial issues we commonly deal with in divorce mediation.  We help divorcing couples draft a financial plan that they can both accept, keeping in mind both the best interests of the children, and the fair and equitable standard. It can be tricky, but the goal is to make it less of a win-lose scenario, and more of a collaborative effort.  Working together with a mediator through this process helps preserve a better ongoing relationship; and divorcing couples who have some input into the plan are more likely to follow it.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, LMFT, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373.  View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com
 

The last two books I read involved women who were getting a divorce and wanted revenge on their husbands.  Each wanted to punish him for divorcing her.  While I understand the emotional desire for justice, the law remains neutral and does not allow for revenge tactics in divorce proceedings.

New Jersey is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce.  That means that even if you can point the finger at the husband/wife and say to the world, “This is why we are getting divorced.  It is his/her fault, not mine, because s/he did xyz”  has no impact on the outcome of the divorce.  You do not get more time with your kids because your husband had an affair.  You do not pay less in alimony because your wife wanted the divorce and you did not.  Fault or no fault does not impact the outcome of the divorce. 

A while ago I had a couple at Westfield Mediation, LLC,  that were married for over 25 years and the husband was  already receiving a large portion of their financial assets.  However, this was not satisfying to him.  He was angry and wanted to make his soon-to-be ex-wife pay more, because she asked for this divorce and this is not something he wanted.  Rationally he understood the facts of the situation.  He was keeping the house in its entirety and could see on paper that in lieu of alimony he had 70% of the assets and she had 30%.  But emotionally this was not enough. Emotionally he was so hurt and wanted to hurt her the way that she hurt him. And the only way he thought he could do this was financially. He wanted financial revenge on her, for her causing emotional distress to him.  I had to explain that the law does not work that way.  Revenge makes for a good story plot in a book, but the judge won’t go for it in New Jersey. 

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, LMFT, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373.  View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.