Our Divorce Mediation Blog - Westfield Mediation, LLC

How to Be a Good Mediator

1/20/2023

Westfield Mediation, LLC’s recent launch of a new coaching and mentoring program for divorce mediators has made me think a lot about what makes a good divorce mediator. As coaches and mentors, we want to make sure that our mentees are ready to start their own practice and be successful.

So, what are the next steps? Divorce mediators must bring background knowledge as well as intangible skills to the table.

When divorce mediation clients come in, they want to feel reassured that the mediator knows how to put together a blueprint for their marital settlement agreement. That means that divorce mediators must know how to address parenting, the equitable distribution of assets and debts, child support and spousal support (alimony). Mediators help clients craft a parenting schedule and address decision-making for their children on all areas of their children’s lives including school, health, activities, religion and college. In addition, divorce mediators help divorcing couples divide their assets from bank accounts to retirement accounts. They also guide them to reach an agreement about the home, the cars, credit cards, pets etc. Essentially, every aspect of their lives together. Finally, they work on the support part of the divorce agreement – how is the divorcing couple going to make sure that the children’s financial needs are met and that both spouses can maintain a standard of living similar to their marital lifestyle.

Aside from acquiring this knowledge base about divorce, the mediator needs to develop certain key skills, to guide the clients through the process of developing a fair, workable agreement. Specifically, the mediator needs to learn to listen to the clients to find out what each party is seeking. Good listening can be harder than it sounds, because divorcing couples are often emotional and not always thinking practically. A mediator also needs to be fair and neutral. It takes sincere effort to recognize your own biases and make sure that you are not favoring one client over the other or allowing one client to call the shots. Finally, the mediator needs to be a good explainer. It is important that couples leave the mediation process with a clear understanding of what they have agreed to and how to proceed.

When divorcing couples come to mediation, they are asking for help to plan for their future. Learning how to be a good mediator is not easy. But the rewards that come from helping clients move forward make the process worthwhile for both the clients and the mediators.

For more information about divorce mediation or Westfield Mediation, LLC’s coaching and mentorship program, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Mediation for Couples Living Apart Together

12/16/2022

Sometimes couples want to start living separately without getting divorced. For some families, this is an interim step while they evaluate whether they want to get divorced, while for others it is just a new phase in their relationship. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help people in both these situations create plans for their new set-up. By working with a mediator to create a parenting and financial plan during their separation, couples avoid many of the pitfalls that can lead to arguments down the road.

While there is no official legal separation in our state, many families find that living separately instead of divorcing enables them to minimize the conflicts in their relationship, while continuing to share health insurance and financial responsibilities. If they are contemplating divorce in the future, they can start following a parenting and financial agreement for a period of time and see how it works for them. If necessary, they can then modify any terms before it becomes their official divorce decree.

For other couples “living apart together” is a way to create more independence in their lives. As recently reported in The New York Times, this arrangement has become more common in recent years. According to the Census Bureau the number of couples living apart together with no intention of getting divorced has risen 25% over the last twenty years. Studies found that women are often the driving force behind this arrangement because they want a break from the burdens of maintaining a home that tend to fall disproportionately to women.

Whether couples are seeking a baby step toward divorce or just a more independent structure for their marriage, a mediator can help smooth the process. In mediation, couples work together with a mediator to create a new plan for living separately that makes sense for their family.

For more information about separation mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Why Choose Divorce Mediation Over Litigation?

11/18/2022

Divorce mediation is a much better option for most couples than litigation. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we cover the exact same issues – parenting, child support, equitable distribution of assets and debts and spousal support – as you address in litigation for less money. Divorce mediation is a less adversarial, less stressful process where you – not the Courts or your lawyers -- control the schedule. You can still consult a lawyer during the process and most clients do. Still, by limiting the lawyer’s role to consultations, you save money and time that could be better spent with your family.

So, what are the primary advantages of divorce mediation?

1.  Divorce mediation is less expensive than litigation. Because you work with one mediator instead of two lawyers to resolve your issues, your expense is cut in half. In addition, mediation is pay as you go – no huge retainer required—so you can schedule the meetings in a way that works for your budget.

2. Divorce mediation moves much faster than litigation. Because you and your spouse have direct communication with each other while working together on your agreement, you can move as quickly as you want. Most couples complete divorce mediation in just a few months, while litigation may take years.

3.  Divorce mediation is better for your ongoing relationship which is especially important if you have children together. Working together on this process gives you the skills to continue co-parenting. Also, people are more likely to follow an agreement that they had a hand in creating. Even the Courts recognize the value of mediation and include a mediation component in the divorce litigation process.

4.  Divorce mediation is a confidential process while litigating through the Courts is not. Most people prefer to keep their private lives private.

Going through a divorce is stressful. It is worth considering what would make this process less taxing emotionally and financially for your family. For many people that means choosing divorce mediation over costly, adversarial divorce litigation.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

THE TOP FIVE QUESTIONS WE GET ASKED AS DIVORCE MEDIATORS:

10/7/2022

Here are the top five questions we get asked most often as a divorce mediator at Westfield Mediation, LLC:

1. How is a divorce mediator different from a divorce attorney? A distinct aspect of mediation versus litigation is that the mediator is neutral and does not support or oppose a client’s position on the issues. A divorce attorney acts as your legal advocate, informs you about the law and advises only you (and not your spouse) about what is in your best interests (which may be the opposite of what is in your spouse’s best interest).

2.  How can a divorce mediator be helpful if she is not acting in my best interest? I know some people are skeptical when they start the mediation process on how this will work. But it does; just read the reviews from past clients. Having a third-party present, who is neutral, points the discussions about the issues of your divorce in a whole new direction. Clients are comfortable making decisions, hearing how other clients have addressed an issue (like what are we doing with our house) and moving forward towards their new futures. The mediator does not allow them to have the same fight over and over again but redirects the conversation towards resolutions.

3.  How much is this going to cost? Mediation is a ginormous savings versus litigation. You pay one mediator, as opposed to two attorneys, a lower hourly fee. No retainer is required. You pay for the time that you use as you use it. Our clients spend about $2,500-$3,500 per divorce in mediation. That’s total, not per person.

4.  How long will this take? I too have heard the horror stories about it taking years and years to get divorced. In mediation it takes between four and six meetings in total. Meetings last one hour. Meetings are scheduled are your convenience. So, you could be done in six weeks or stretch it out if you so desire.

5.  Do I need still need a lawyer if we agreed on everything in mediation? The short answer is no, but the real answer is it is up to you. Legally, you are not required to have an attorney to get divorced. You can represent yourself in court. It is called being pro se. At Westfield Mediation, we recommend that you use a divorce attorney in a more limited role, called a review attorney. This review attorney will fill out all the paperwork for court, accompany you to court, advise you of your legal rights and answer any legal questions you may have. While it is not legally required to have an attorney, we think it is best practice to do so.

These are just the top five most frequently asked questions. Contemplating divorce brings up a lot of questions and you probably have more. You are welcome to reach out to Westfield Mediation to discuss them. Please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Mediation Now or Later?

7/21/2022

When is the best time to start divorce mediation? Should you talk to a lawyer first? Should you wait until you are living separately? Or you have worked out certain things?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we get these questions a lot from prospective clients who are trying to figure out next steps. We recommend that couples considering divorce come in for an appointment to learn about the divorce mediation process and ask all the questions that they have. We find that learning about divorce makes it much less intimidating. Knowing how the process works makes it all seem more manageable. In divorce mediation, we break everything down into small doable steps. Over time, we develop a workable plan for parenting, division of assets and debts, child support and alimony. Coming in for one introductory meeting often takes away the feeling of being overwhelmed.

Another great thing about mediation is that there is no set timeline. So, once you start, you can space the meetings in a way that works for you – emotionally and financially. Sometimes, clients want to move forward at a steady pace to get everything squared away. Other times, they prefer to separate the meetings by a few weeks while they address some of their family issues or get their budgets in order.

Back to the initial questions. First, we do advise consulting a lawyer, but it does not have to be a first step. Since a mediator is neutral and a lawyer acts as your advocate, it may be worthwhile to get the perspective of an expert who is only on your side before you submit your final agreement to the Court. If you go through divorce mediation, you can use a lawyer in a more limited, much less expensive way than you would in litigation. Second, you can wait until you are living separately, but you do not have to. Many clients begin living separately during the mediation process. This gives them the ability to live the newly-agreed-upon arrangement and tweak it as necessary. Third, it is a good idea to try to work out some issues on your own, but we will guide you through the process, so you know the questions to ask yourselves. We also help when you get stuck to generate new options you may not have considered.

From that very first meeting, clients find that divorce mediation is a less expensive, less stressful alternative to litigation that will get them to where they want to be.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Divorce in the Current Economy

5/20/2022

The ups and downs of the current economy are making some couples contemplating divorce a little nervous. Divorce mediation involves dividing assets and debts, calculating child support and alimony and generally making financial plans for a new future. There will always be some level of financial uncertainty when taking steps toward divorce, but it should not keep you from moving forward. In divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we take current economic issues into account while helping to guide you toward a fair and equitable agreement.

Over the last few months, the stock market has been down, reducing the value of some retirement assets. These changes should not adversely impact the divorce mediation process. In mediation, we mostly focus on how we are dividing the assets rather than the account totals, so we can still move ahead with your plans.

Similarly, we can work around the uptick in the housing market. For many, the value of their marital home has increased in recent months, providing a bonus to divorcing couples seeking to sell or refinance their marital home, while making it harder in some cases to find a new place to live. These are also issues that can be addressed in mediation, while we make plans for your short-term and long-term financial futures.

Finally, the job market is also in flux, with minimum wages rising and employers offering various forms of work ranging from in-office to hybrid to fully remote. For many employees this has been a time of opportunity, while others are feeling stretched thin. These employment issues may impact the discussions involving child support and alimony in divorce mediation, but do not hinder your ability to move ahead.

Economic uncertainty is always going to exist in some form. The important thing is to address these concerns in divorce mediation and work together to factor them into your agreement. Finding solutions that work for both partners in mediation will allow you to move forward to a better, less stressful future.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

How to Use the First Session of Mediation

4/22/2022

The first session of divorce mediation is an introduction to the process. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we use this time to explain the divorce process in New Jersey (including the difference between a contested and uncontested divorce), how divorce mediation works and our practice’s approach to mediation.

For potential clients, it is an opportunity to present the facts about their situation and ask any questions. While there is no commitment required, sometimes clients use the time as their first step in divorce mediation and start planning for later sessions. Other divorcing couples use the intro session solely for information gathering and deciding if divorce mediation is the right path for them, and if it is, whether this is the right time to move forward.

To get the most out of the first session, clients should consider beforehand whether they have any questions and what are the key issues for them. Participating actively in this meeting will make it the most worthwhile. For example, they may want to know what the options are for selling or keeping their home. Clients also often have concerns about alimony – how it is calculated and what is required. If they have specific problems that have already arisen - for example, one partner is spending all the joint monies or has mental health issues that interfere with their ability to parent, or one party has immigration concerns that will be impacted by divorce - this session is a great place to discuss these topics and start developing plans to address them.

Sometimes, clients decide to continue divorce mediation while working through their outside issues. For example, they may decide to place their home on the market while in mediation. Other times, they feel it makes more sense for them to create a more stable set-up at home before moving forward. There is no set timetable to mediation, so there is a lot of flexibility for deciding how to proceed. Clients can take a break from the process at any time, and then return whenever they feel ready to move forward.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Sharing the Facts in Mediation

3/25/2022

For divorce mediation to work, the clients need to share the facts.

In divorce mediation, a neutral mediator guides the divorcing couple through the process to create a divorce agreement that works for their family. For this process to be successful, the clients must actively participate in the discussion, complete assignments and collect all the required financial information. The clients play important roles in educating the mediator about their family dynamics and their financial situation. In many ways, the mediator has to base her guidance on the information that the clients choose to share. In other words, to some extent, she only knows what the clients tell her.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, to gather the necessary information from our clients, the mediators give assignments and ask relevant questions. But the clients have to choose to reveal important information about their lives for the process to work. For example, if one parent works 100 hours a week, that would be a key fact to know for crafting the parenting plan. Similarly, if either party is in a new relationship, or has mental or physical health issues, these are important considerations for deciding how best to move forward.

On the financial side, the parties have to share information about investments or accounts. Actual financial statements work best in educating the mediator (and sometimes the other spouse as well) about different assets, liabilities and sources of income. And if divorcing spouses share only tax information that is incomplete, the mediator will not be able to calculate child support and alimony that reflects the family’s actual financial situation.

This is not to say that in mediation you need to share everything about your personal lives. We do not need to know about all of the disagreements that led you to seek divorce. Just that now that you are seeking a divorce, the mediator (and sometimes an unknowing spouse) needs to know about those aspects of your lives that are relevant to helping you create an agreement that is both fair and practicable.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

What to Expect in Divorce Mediation

2/25/2022

Sometimes it is easiest for prospective clients to understand what divorce mediation is like, by learning more about what divorce mediation is not. Divorce mediation is a process where couples attend together (either in-person or virtually) and work together over a few sessions to create an agreement on parenting, division of assets and debts, child support and alimony. An impartial mediator guides the couple through the process. At the end of mediation, the divorcing couple leaves with a Memorandum of Understanding that lays out their agreement.

This definition means that divorce mediation is not therapy or a place to work on the issues that led the couple to decide to divorce. Rather, it is a forum for crafting a practical plan for the future. While sessions may become emotional sometimes, mediation is primarily a forward-looking process rather than a backward-looking one.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, the mediator’s role in this process is to guide the clients in their decision-making by listening to their goals and asking questions that they may not have considered on their own. The divorce mediator may take steps to ensure that both spouses have a voice in crafting the plan and that the ultimate agreement is fair and equitable to both parties. However, the mediator remains neutral throughout the sessions. She is not there to take sides. In addition, it is not her role to act like a judge and decide how the couple should proceed.

This dynamic allows the clients to have control over their own plan and tailor it to their family’s specific needs. Moreover, divorce mediation has the added benefit of fostering cooperation so that ex-spouses learn how to work together toward agreement. In general, people are more likely to follow a plan that they helped draft than one that was foisted upon them by the Court.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Moving Out During Divorce

1/28/2022

Generally, during the divorce process, at least one person moves out of the shared home. Sometimes both spouses agree to sell the house and move; and sometimes one stays while the other relocates. The upheaval that comes with changing one’s living space can be stressful at the best of times. These days with Covid concerns, there are also additional factors to consider including the tight real estate market and the fact that so many people are working from home. In divorce mediation, we anticipate these stressors, and help couples develop flexible, practical plans for going forward with their lives.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, a neutral mediator helps each couple work together on a plan for moving on. The spouse who is leaving needs a new home, possibly one that can serve as an at-home office and accommodate the children during his/her parenting time. If one person is staying and one leaving, we sometimes devise a plan for the parties to continue to own the home together for a designated period of time – e.g., a set number of years or perhaps until the kids finish high school. In addition, we make arrangements for getting the person who is leaving their share of the equity in the home so that they have the resources they need to find a new place to live.

We often counsel people that their first new home after leaving the marital residence may just be an interim stop. They may need some time for their schedules and finances to stabilize. At that point, they will be better situated to find a more suitable choice for the long-term. Indeed, this need for an interim housing plan may be even more common now when there are fewer homes available for rent or sale in some markets. For many people, recognizing in mediation that their first home post-divorce is not necessarily their last makes the move feel much less overwhelming.

For more information about housing plans or other aspects of divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Authors

Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed.,LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with many years of experience working with couples.

Randi M. Albert, JD, is an attorney with experience in family law and public service.

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