Our Divorce Mediation Blog - Westfield Mediation, LLC

FILING FOR DIVORCE TO MOVE MEDIATION ALONG

7/12/2019

At the most recent mediator networking event the question came up about how to get both parties to continue to participate in mediation to completion, when they are almost done with the process. Sometimes one person unconsciously or deliberately stalls the process, usually because s/he can enjoy the perk of being currently separated without actually being divorced. A final, legal divorce will affect their current lifestyle so s/he is trying to put that off as long as possible. Or a person does not want to be labeled divorced. Checking the married box for another little while feels better, so mediation is stalled. A spouse will not make another appointment to come in and make some final decisions.

Usually the person who wants to get divorced is eager to continue the process and presses the more reluctant spouse to make another mediation appointment. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we have seen clients be more than 90% done, decisions made, and then, one party refuses to return to address that remaining few issues, that last 10%. So, what recourse does a person have?

Unfortunately, in divorce mediation not much. You can wait and cross your fingers that the reluctant spouse changes his/her mind and resumes mediation. Divorce mediation requires both parties to participate in the process. It moves faster, is more amicable and costs significantly less than litigation because both spouses are in the same room, directly speaking with one another about all the issues, making decisions about their new futures. And it is voluntary. You cannot force your spouse to participate. One recourse the person has, and not to be a jerk but just to move the process forward, is to file the divorce proceedings with the court and serve your reluctant spouse with divorce paperwork. Once your spouse is served s/he has a time limit to respond. This will either gently prod him/her to return to mediation to finish up addressing the few remaining issues or hash it out in court. Either way, resolutions will be reached and a divorce will be finalized. Hopefully, s/he can still see that mediation has worked and can continue to work until the end and s/he will return to mediation. But s/he may need that nudge of filing to move along the process.

To learn more about divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

The Divorce timeline

6/21/2019

Sometimes couples come to divorce mediation in a hurry to get through the process. Maybe they have been thinking about it for a long time, and now are ready to just get it done. They may have financial or emotional reasons to finish quickly.

In other cases, couples move slowly – taking their time through the steps to make sure that they know how they want their agreement to look, or spacing out the appointments in a way that works for their budgets. Sometimes it takes a while for both spouses to get on the same page, so there are delays of weeks or months as they move forward.

For clients who go through divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC, the process generally takes 4 - 6 sessions with a mediator. Most people schedule the meetings 2-3 weeks apart, to give themselves time to gather information and materials, and to think about things. In our experience, it can be useful to have some down time in between sessions to give yourselves time to consider the issues and your options. After the divorcing couple reaches an agreement, they have to file with the Court and wait for a hearing with a judge, which adds another two to three months to the process.

So how long does divorce mediation take? Start to finish, the divorce mediation process can be as short as a few weeks or as long as several months. Divorce mediation can move more quickly than litigation because you have the advantage of working together with one mediator which naturally speeds up the process. But, really, the overall pace depends on you.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Enforcing The Agreement

5/24/2019

One of the many advantages of divorce mediation, is that the agreement is not binding until it is filed with the Court. As a result, we can continue to make changes to the arrangements if needed. Sometimes, at Westfield Mediation, LLC , we suggest that the divorcing couple start following the agreement as we make it to see how it works for them. For example, if they created a parenting schedule in mediation, they can try it out to see how it plays out in real life. On the financial side, mediation clients sometimes begin closing their joint accounts and start separating their finances. By living the agreement while working on it, they can fine-tune their plans as we go.

For some families, the fact that the agreement isn’t yet binding can sometimes lead to confusion. If one spouse does not follow the provisions that we arrived at during mediation, the other person has little recourse until the agreement documents are filed with the Court. For example, if one parent does not pick up the children on his/her designated day or he/she drags his/her feet going to the bank to change the accounts, there is not much the other spouse can do until the Court signs off on the plan.

At that point, all the provisions are enforceable, and the ex-spouses can get the Court involved to make sure each party does what he/she agreed to do. Luckily, if follow-through is a concern, the fact that couples can complete their agreement fairly quickly in divorce mediation enables them to get to a place in a short time where they can create and file an agreement that the Court will enforce.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

INFORMATION ABOUT DIVORCE

5/10/2019

Knowledge is power. So how can you gather information when getting a divorce? Sometimes people turn to their friends, family or colleagues to discuss divorce. This can be a little tricky. There is often a lot of misinformation shared from these well intended people. We often hear our clients mention that they heard that their cousin’s friend got XXX amount in alimony, their co-worker’s neighbor never gets to see the kids, or they run the child support calculator their neighbor used and panic. You have to make sure when seeking information that it is coming first-hand from a knowledgeable source. Also, each divorce has a unique set of circumstances, so your divorce is not going to be the same as your neighbor’s or cousin’s divorce.

A lot of people look online as a first step. Maybe they want information about divorce but they don’t want to tell anyone just quite yet. There is some good information on the internet mixed in with some bad stuff as well. It is important to know your source. A lot of our clients first call and then say that they don’t know where to start or what to ask now that they have us on the phone. We reassure them that this is very common and give some basic information about the process of divorce mediation and how Westfield Mediation, LLC, can help them. People tend to find this initial information helpful and use it to make the next steps, which may entail speaking to their spouse, scheduling an appointment, or just thinking more about their options.

You can’t draw on past personal experience for answers because this is your first (and hopefully only) divorce. So, you seek out information. But sometimes searching for the answers in the wrong place can really just lead to more problems. The professional mediators at Westfield Mediation, LLC, are available to help give you the real-deal information you need to make good choices.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

TAXES AND DIVORCE

4/12/2019

April 15 is either the best of times or the worst of times, depending on if you owe or get a refund. One of the main reasons there is no such thing as a legal separation in New Jersey is due to taxes. The government cares if you are married or not and which box you check on your tax return so they know how to process your tax return paperwork. A legal separation would muddy the tax waters too much. One main tax issue to consider when you are getting divorced is who is claiming the children for tax purposes. You do not have to be the parent of primary residence to claim a child as a dependent. You can fill out an additional form when doing your taxes that allows you to claim a child as a dependent even if they lived with you for less than half the year.

Your divorce agreement should also address how to handle a future audit that addresses the time you were married. What if you get audited three years from now for 2018 and you were divorced in 2019? Additionally, how are you handling your current tax refund/tax bill that addressed the time you were married even though you are now divorced. For example, if you finalized your divorced in January but are due a refund/bill this April for the previous tax year, a tax year in which you were still married.

There are so many issues to consider when getting divorced. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our divorce mediators help couples address them all, including the tax issues. A mediator knows all the issues to address and does not let any slip through the cracks, like the taxes. What you don’t want is to get divorced in January and then have to go back to court in April because your divorce agreement does not address your tax bill/refund and you do not agree on how to resolve it.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Communicating during and after Divorce

3/29/2019

Divorcing or divorced couples often have trouble communicating. Indeed, in many cases, this inability to exchange information or ideas contributed to the end of the marriage. Nevertheless, because our divorce mediation clients usually need to have some relationship post-divorce – either as co-parents or co-financial partners, in divorce mediation, we often address how to interact more effectively and civilly with your ex.

For divorced parents sharing custody of their children, it is vitally important to have a way to communicate with each other that minimizes misunderstandings and stress. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we advise our divorce mediation clients to have a shared calendar of kids’ activities so everyone knows where the family members need to be. To cut down on disputes, we suggest texting and email, rather than relying only on phone conversations – communications in writing may lead to less confusion and fewer arguments down the road.

For both co-parents and co-financial partners, we recommend providing reasonable notice of any plans to come by the other person’s home – essentially showing the same courtesy you would extend to a friend or neighbor. And if parenting or financial plans change for some reason, we suggest texts or email about these developments as well. Simple steps to keep the relationship civil and courteous can go a long way toward keeping the peace and reducing the drama for divorcing or divorced couples.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Role of the mediator

3/1/2019

What is the role of the mediator in divorce mediation? At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we believe that the mediator should be your guide through the process. A divorce mediator is different from a judge or arbitrator who takes sides in disputes and makes pronouncements on how issues should be settled.

A mediator’s role is not to take one side or another in a couple’s long-simmering arguments. Instead, a mediator focuses on crafting a practical plan for the future. She helps the divorcing couple come to an agreement by explaining the options and by asking the right questions about the issues of parenting, child support, alimony, and the division of assets and debts. Her job is to make certain that the divorce agreement is both comprehensive and flexible enough to work over time.

In divorce mediation, we break the process down into small, manageable steps. In most cases, divorcing couples can agree on some issues right away, and we can address areas of agreement first, and then move onto harder topics. Based on experience working with divorcing couples, divorce mediators help clients work through any sticking points by promoting compromise and shared interests. In general, the divorce mediator’s role is to ensure that the agreement is fair and equitable, and that each spouse has a voice in designing the final product.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Things to Think about if Getting Divorced

2/1/2019

Getting divorced can feel overwhelming.

In divorce mediation, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we break the process down into small steps for our clients. That makes it more manageable and less stressful. While no prior preparation is needed to start the process, there are some basic questions you can ask yourself before going down this path, so that you feel more ready and in control.

First, if you have children, consider what would be the best plan for the kids. The standard for any parenting plan is “the best interest of the children”, so that mantra should guide your thinking. You can ask yourself, would the kids do best if the parents shared parenting time 50/50 or would they thrive with a different plan that took into account the parents’ work schedules? Do you need to stay in town or a certain part of town, so that they can continue at their schools? Or do you have a better network of family and friend support in a different location? You should try to keep your children’s lives as normal as possible during this process by limiting any conflict in your home. Most children can adjust to a new routine, as long as you provide consistency and support throughout the transition.

When you consider the financial part of the situation, you need to know how much money each of you earns now, as well as your earning potential, especially if one of you is currently working part-time or not at all because of family responsibilities. It is also useful to think about what assets and debts you have acquired over the marriage, and how much you spend on a monthly basis for housing and other basic expenses as well as the extras. Each of these factors will provide the basis for your financial plan going forward.

In divorce mediation, we guide our clients through the process to reach an agreement that works for their particular family. We help them ask and answer the questions that will get them to the right place for them.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

COMMUNICATION AND DIVORCE MEDIATION

1/18/2019

If you have kids then you will have to keep communicating with your ex-spouse after your divorce. With modern technology, you can text or email if you don’t want to have an actual conversation, but you can’t just cut the other person out of your life. One of the benefits of divorce mediation is that you communicate directly and in-person with your co-parent throughout the divorce process. This helps build the foundation for successful post-divorce conversations. If you choose collaborative divorce you have the option to talk directly with your co-parent or have your attorney speak on your behalf with you there. In a collaborative divorce both parties have meetings with their collaborative divorce trained attorneys present- a 4-way meeting each and every time. This can get very expensive and is not always needed if co-parents can be guided to speak with one another and not through another party. If you litigate your divorce then you each pay your attorneys to talk to one another about the divorce and you don’t communicate directly with your co-parent at all. This can get super expensive very quickly and make for a difficult rest of your life co-parenting relationship.

In divorce mediation, each person has the ability to consult with attorneys privately, in between mediation meetings. This allows you to attend mediation with knowledge and confidence about making important decisions in your life. Mediation also allows you to learn to speak directly with your co-parent about important and difficult topics. You start to see that not every conversation turns in to a WWE match. You build positive momentum and move forward towards a successful co-parenting relationship.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators witness this transformation all the time. Couples who come in on very bad terms and barely speaking end the process with a divorce plan in place and open communication. They understand how to talk with one another and that they will have to do so as things come up about the kids.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

when to get divorced

1/4/2019

There is no perfect time to get divorced. Still, a lot of our clients begin the divorce mediation process in the beginning of the year. And, in addition to the emotional reasons – following up on New Year’s resolutions for a new year, new plan -- there are some practical benefits to starting the process now.

If you are going to need a parenting plan as part of your divorce, the beginning of the year is a good time to start because the school year is in full swing and there are no major holidays to figure out for a while.

Financially speaking, the early months of the year are a good time to begin divorce mediation as well. For one thing, it is traditionally the best time to list your home for sale to maximize the market value. Most major holiday shopping is done, so you can evaluate your debt, and create a plan to address it. And, all of the end-of-year financial reports are in, so you know how much you earned/spent last year which gives you a good snapshot of your assets/debts and expenses going forward.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with our divorce mediation clients to create a fair plan for parenting and financial issues all year long. We break down the process into small manageable steps to reduce stress and make it affordable for you. So, if you are considering when to begin the mediation process -- now is a good time to start.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.