Our Divorce Mediation Blog

How To Get The Most Out Of Divorce Mediation

4/20/2018

Many clients come to divorce mediation at Westfield Mediation, LLC to save time and money. Divorce mediation is not instantaneous and it’s not free, but it is faster and way less expensive than both spouses getting their own lawyers and arguing the case in court. To keep the costs down and to use your mediation time most effectively, I have three suggestions.

Do your homework. In divorce mediation, we break down the process into manageable steps so it is not overwhelming. At the end of each meeting, we give our clients small assignments to complete before the next session – thinking about parenting, collecting documents, preparing a budget, etc. Doing those assignments insures that the process moves at a good pace. Not doing them slows down the process, and may lead to more meetings and consequently, more costs.

Communicate between meetings. We suggest that clients come up with a neutral way to talk to each other between meetings – text, email, shared calendars. By finding a way to address some issues on your own, like who paid the electric bill or whose turn it is to drive the kids to soccer practice, you can use your mediation session to work on the essentials of the divorce agreement instead of your everyday tasks.

Be forward thinking. Divorce mediation is designed to help you create an agreement for your future. It can be an emotional process, but it should also be a practical one. To the extent possible, it’s best to use the sessions to discuss what your goals are for the agreement as opposed to an opportunity to rehash the arguments that got you here in the first place.

In mediation, we guide divorcing couples to reach a resolution on parenting and finances. The process works best if everyone is invested in it and does their part to compromise and move forward.

For more information about divorce or post- divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Divorce Litigation

3/2/2018

It is important to do a cost-benefit analysis before deciding to stop divorce mediation and start litigation. Maybe there is one thing you need to “go to the mat” and win your cause. But before you throw your hands up and say “no more mediation- see you in court” you have to stop and think that just because you go to court with what you think is a valid point of view of the issue at hand, does not mean the judge will see it that way and give you what you want.

A prime example of this is parenting. We have seen with our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, that often times during the course of the marriage one parent handles more of the day-to-day parental responsibilities than the other. Now you are getting divorced and your co-parent wants a 50-50 parenting plan. You might not trust that the other parent can all of a sudden handle 50% parenting time in a shared parenting plan. And you are willing to go to court to fight to have a majority of the parenting time. But at what cost and what gain? There are 4 weeks (lets call it 28 days for math sake) in a month. So instead of 14 days for each parent you want 22 days for you and 6 days for your co-parent. There is a lot of wiggle room between 14 versus 22 days and just because you go to court does not mean you are going to end up with 22 days. And the judge may see the co-parents point of view and you end up with 14 days each anyway.

Or you could stop counting quantity altogether and focus on the quality of time you have with your kids. If it is your parenting day but the day is spent after school driving from one activity to the next, doing homework, eating fast food somewhere in between and then bed, what have you really won?

So instead of spending a lot of money, energy and time going through the court system to possibly get a worse situation than what you could have gotten had you stayed in mediation and found some compromise within the wiggle room, stop and think what you will gain and what it will cost you to gain this. But let’s say the judge decides and grants you 18 days a month and your co-parent has 10 days. 4 days more/less than 50-50% parenting. Is 4 days a month on either side of the argument worth the court process? The court process is very stressful and takes a long time. Litigation is super expensive (college tuition expensive). And there is no guarantee you get what you want. Most people end up with some sort of compromise anyway, even if they go through the courts. But now you have no money left to pay for your children’s college education.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Changing the routines after divorce

2/19/2018

Getting divorced changes the family routines, and both spouses will often need to take on new roles and responsibilities that are different from how it used to be.

These changes in lifestyle can be difficult at first. For example, in some families one parent does most of the child care from arranging child activities and playdates, to helping with homework, to buying presents for birthday parties. After divorce, both parents may have to share these jobs; and it can take some adjustment on the part of the whole family to get comfortable with the new normal. Similarly, a divorced parent may want to take a vacation with their kids. The traveling parent may have to deal with the difficulty of going away without another adult, while the other parent needs to get used to the idea that the rest of the family went on a trip without him or her.

Significant changes also occur on the financial front. For example, one spouse may have taken on the financial planning, money management, bill-paying pre-divorce. Now, that there are two households instead of one, these financial responsibilities need to be taken on by each ex-spouse.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help prepare our divorce mediation clients for these lifestyle changes. We explain that taking on these new roles and responsibilities may feel overwhelming at first. This is a normal and reasonable response. We encourage divorcing couples to seek outside help from friends and family and other support networks, especially during the transition time. We also suggest that our clients think of these changes as opportunities to develop new skills that will help them moving forward.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Sharing custody

1/19/2018

For the most part, divorcing parents come to mediation with the idea that they will share custody of the kids. Usually, clients want to spend some time each week with their children. Still, shared custody can take many forms, and what the final parenting schedule looks like can vary depending on the needs of the family. The key to a successful post-divorce parenting plan is combining both consistency and flexibility.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with divorcing clients to create parenting plans that will work for now and continue to make sense as their children grow. In some cases, the divorcing couple chooses a 50/50 plan. In 50/50 arrangements, parents share parenting evenly. These agreements can be a great choice as long as parents live near each other and are prepared to work together to juggle schedules and responsibilities. See http://www.westfieldnjmediation.com/blog/5050-parenting-plans. Other parents share time by having the kids live primarily with one parent during the week, while the other parent spends time with the children on some evenings and/or on weekends or over school breaks. These plans can also be a good option for some families.

Really, the most important factor contributing to a parenting plan’s success is the divorcing parents’ commitment to making it work. That means that each parent has to uphold their part of the agreement. It also means that when life intervenes, and a schedule needs to be modified --either temporarily or for the long-term -- the parents are willing to accommodate the changing needs of their children and their exes.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

holiday card season

12/8/2017

It is holiday card season again. Sending out the annual holiday card can be such a chore, even under the best of circumstances. Just like Santa, you have a list and must check it twice. Who moved and what is the new address? Who sent you a card, so you must send them a card? Do you still have to send a card to your boss from 4 jobs ago? This mundane task can be even more difficult if you are separated or going through a divorce. Do you now send out two cards- one with Mom and the kids and the other with Dad and the kids? Do you divide the address list up and some people gets cards from one of you and the some get cards from the other one? Do you just skip it all this year?

So many decisions to make. How can you figure out your whole life if you can’t even figure out the Christmas card? Then you begin to panic about your divorce, and the downward spiral starts. If you can’t agree on this then you will never agree on anything. If you give in about the card and do what your soon-to-be-ex-spouse wants to do, then what is next? You may never get anything you want in the divorce process.

At Westfield Mediation we help our clients realize that there is give and take with all the decisions that they will make about their divorce. No one gets everything, and no one loses everything. You both compromise and eventually you reach a decision on things regarding all the areas of the divorce. There is no need to freak out. We help break down your whole life into much smaller, and more manageable, steps. A divorce mediator helps guide the discussion about your options about your post-divorce life. You reach decisions about your futures instead of dwelling on and repeating past arguments. And if you can make these difficult life decisions, like how the kids are spending their time on Christmas Day, then surely you can handle the task of a holiday card.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Family HOlidays and Divorce

11/24/2017

Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas, oh my! With the start of the winter holiday season, many divorcing couples come face to face with family and old friends, and they wonder how to break the news that they are going through a divorce. While it may feel overwhelming, it does not have to be.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we explain to our divorce mediation clients that divorce is not the problem. It is the solution to the problem of a relationship breaking down. So, you can try to see it as a positive step forward towards reshaping your lives and minimizing conflict and stress.

That said, divorce is often an emotional process, and the fact that you are seeing family and friends may be an occasion to find support among people who care about you. Since almost everyone knows someone who has gone through divorce mediation or litigation, you are likely to find a sympathetic ear. And if you rather not talk about it, that’s fine too – your divorce does not have to define your interactions with others.

This Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas may be an opportunity for you to change up your old traditions to reflect the changes in your family or a chance to start new ones. It can be the time your friends and family help you find your new path.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

moving forward in a fair and sensible way

9/29/2017

Divorce mediation helps clients resist the impulse to give in to unreasonable demands just to “get it all over with”. Most people who decide to get divorced take a while to reach the point where they are ready. And in many cases, by the time people decide that they are ready to pursue a divorce, they are worn down or overwhelmed. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we find that divorcing couples are anxious about how they are going set up a new life. With all this uncertainty and stress, it can be difficult to work together to create a future plan.

A key benefit of divorce mediation is that we break the divorce process down into manageable steps, so it is no longer as overwhelming. Moreover, divorce mediators help you through it, so you don’t have to figure everything out on your own. The mediator’s job is to serve as an impartial guide through an often emotional process.

Divorce mediators ensure that the process is fair and complete – so that both parties’ interests are met. We work with you to avoid the bad agreements that are made when one person gives in just because he or she is tired of arguing. The mediation sessions focus on the future, rather than on the reasons that the relationship has broken down. Indeed, because the parenting and financial agreements have far-reaching consequences, it is important to think beyond the past and the present to design a plan that will work for both of you and your family going forward.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

The Internet IS A Wonderful Thing

9/15/2017

The Internet is a wonderful thing. You can find almost anything about anything on it. There is a lot of information out there about divorce. Many of our clients find us on the Internet. Sometimes clients find us when they were looking for something else regarding their divorce but then stumble across the concept of mediation and are intrigued. Many people that get divorced really do want mediation but don’t know that they want it because they have never heard of it. But they do want a low cost, more amicable way to get divorced. When I am speaking to someone on the phone for the first time I often ask how they heard of Westfield Mediation, LLC. The caller usually seems embarrassed to admit that they found us on the Internet and sounds relieved when I tell them that many people find us online.

Once you know that you want to use a divorce mediator the Internet can be useful in finding a good divorce mediator. It is helpful to look at different mediator’s websites. This can be a valuable source of practical information but also help you decide who would be a good fit for your needs. You want to read any available reviews from colleagues and prior clients. You want to find the phone number so you can call and actually speak with your mediator. Or you may want to send an email to start the process.

The Internet also helps immensely with communication. One of the key differential factors of mediation versus litigation is that spouses communicate directly with one another instead of through their attorneys. So email is a tool made for divorce mediation. It allows the mediator to have a multi-person conversation about scheduling the next meeting, changes to the proposed plan, clarify a question, etc., quickly and directly with both parties at the same time. There are no hidden conversations. Everyone is aware of all contact going on. This helps to build trust and communication skills, things parents will need as they co-parent post-divorce. There are also divorce apps which help facilitate your post-divorce life.

So much information is out there. How did we ever find out stuff before the Internet?

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Child support for grown children

9/1/2017

Most states have a legal limit for “emancipation” – the date when parents are no longer legally required to support their children. It can be based on an age or on an event like getting married, joining the military or graduating from college.

But, in reality, not all kids are magically able to support themselves once they hit that date. So how do you create a divorce agreement to cover the expenses for that time period when your kids age out of child support, but are still not financially self-sufficient?

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we have many divorce mediation clients who continue to support their children in some way after the legal age of emancipation. Sometimes, the divorcing parents still pay for some bills – like those for cell phones, car insurance, health insurance. In other cases, the kids still live with one parent or the other, rent-free, so the parent is covering both housing and food.

In each of these scenarios, we help the divorcing parents come to an agreement about how to deal with these ongoing expenses. In some cases, we may divide the costs between the parties, or put limits on time frames or amounts. Our goal is to create a parenting plan that is fair to both sides and that is financially practical for the family.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

domestic violence and divorce mediation

8/21/2017

Divorce mediation can work well for many people. It helps couples reach decisions on all areas in their divorce agreement- parenting plan, division of assets and debts, child support, alimony, etc. It can be done quickly, privately and for significantly less money compared to litigation. However, sometimes, in order to best serve our clients, we will not work with a couple even if they want to choose mediation.

The other day I got two phone calls, one from the husband and then one immediately following from the wife. It came to light that they currently have a restraining order in place and there were recent incidents of domestic violence. I explained to both of them that while I appreciated their enthusiasm for wanting to resolve their divorce through mediation it does not mean that I would see them as clients. The issue of safety is paramount-- both for the mediator and the clients. I don’t feel safe being in a small office with two people who a judge recently said should not even be near one another

Additionally when there has been domestic violence the power dynamic in the couple shifts, making it difficult for each party to have equal input into the decision making process. With a history of domestic violence usually one person is dominant in the relationship and the other submissive. It is hard to stick up for yourself if you are scared of the other person. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help both parties have input into the life-altering decisions you are both making for your separate futures. Even if there has not been domestic violence but it is obvious during the mediation process that only person has say regarding decisions, we recommend stopping mediation and seeking an attorney who can advocate for the silent person’s needs. You need someone to stand up for you if you are unable to do so on your own behalf.

So, while divorce mediation works well for a large majority of people who walk through our door, every now and then we have to stop you before you even start.

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.