Our Divorce Mediation Blog

Role of the mediator

3/1/2019

What is the role of the mediator in divorce mediation? At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we believe that the mediator should be your guide through the process. A divorce mediator is different from a judge or arbitrator who takes sides in disputes and makes pronouncements on how issues should be settled.

A mediator’s role is not to take one side or another in a couple’s long-simmering arguments. Instead, a mediator focuses on crafting a practical plan for the future. She helps the divorcing couple come to an agreement by explaining the options and by asking the right questions about the issues of parenting, child support, alimony, and the division of assets and debts. Her job is to make certain that the divorce agreement is both comprehensive and flexible enough to work over time.

In divorce mediation, we break the process down into small, manageable steps. In most cases, divorcing couples can agree on some issues right away, and we can address areas of agreement first, and then move onto harder topics. Based on experience working with divorcing couples, divorce mediators help clients work through any sticking points by promoting compromise and shared interests. In general, the divorce mediator’s role is to ensure that the agreement is fair and equitable, and that each spouse has a voice in designing the final product.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

Things to Think about if Getting Divorced

2/1/2019

Getting divorced can feel overwhelming.

In divorce mediation, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we break the process down into small steps for our clients. That makes it more manageable and less stressful. While no prior preparation is needed to start the process, there are some basic questions you can ask yourself before going down this path, so that you feel more ready and in control.

First, if you have children, consider what would be the best plan for the kids. The standard for any parenting plan is “the best interest of the children”, so that mantra should guide your thinking. You can ask yourself, would the kids do best if the parents shared parenting time 50/50 or would they thrive with a different plan that took into account the parents’ work schedules? Do you need to stay in town or a certain part of town, so that they can continue at their schools? Or do you have a better network of family and friend support in a different location? You should try to keep your children’s lives as normal as possible during this process by limiting any conflict in your home. Most children can adjust to a new routine, as long as you provide consistency and support throughout the transition.

When you consider the financial part of the situation, you need to know how much money each of you earns now, as well as your earning potential, especially if one of you is currently working part-time or not at all because of family responsibilities. It is also useful to think about what assets and debts you have acquired over the marriage, and how much you spend on a monthly basis for housing and other basic expenses as well as the extras. Each of these factors will provide the basis for your financial plan going forward.

In divorce mediation, we guide our clients through the process to reach an agreement that works for their particular family. We help them ask and answer the questions that will get them to the right place for them.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

COMMUNICATION AND DIVORCE MEDIATION

1/18/2019

If you have kids then you will have to keep communicating with your ex-spouse after your divorce. With modern technology, you can text or email if you don’t want to have an actual conversation, but you can’t just cut the other person out of your life. One of the benefits of divorce mediation is that you communicate directly and in-person with your co-parent throughout the divorce process. This helps build the foundation for successful post-divorce conversations. If you choose collaborative divorce you have the option to talk directly with your co-parent or have your attorney speak on your behalf with you there. In a collaborative divorce both parties have meetings with their collaborative divorce trained attorneys present- a 4-way meeting each and every time. This can get very expensive and is not always needed if co-parents can be guided to speak with one another and not through another party. If you litigate your divorce then you each pay your attorneys to talk to one another about the divorce and you don’t communicate directly with your co-parent at all. This can get super expensive very quickly and make for a difficult rest of your life co-parenting relationship.

In divorce mediation, each person has the ability to consult with attorneys privately, in between mediation meetings. This allows you to attend mediation with knowledge and confidence about making important decisions in your life. Mediation also allows you to learn to speak directly with your co-parent about important and difficult topics. You start to see that not every conversation turns in to a WWE match. You build positive momentum and move forward towards a successful co-parenting relationship.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators witness this transformation all the time. Couples who come in on very bad terms and barely speaking end the process with a divorce plan in place and open communication. They understand how to talk with one another and that they will have to do so as things come up about the kids.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

when to get divorced

1/4/2019

There is no perfect time to get divorced. Still, a lot of our clients begin the divorce mediation process in the beginning of the year. And, in addition to the emotional reasons – following up on New Year’s resolutions for a new year, new plan -- there are some practical benefits to starting the process now.

If you are going to need a parenting plan as part of your divorce, the beginning of the year is a good time to start because the school year is in full swing and there are no major holidays to figure out for a while.

Financially speaking, the early months of the year are a good time to begin divorce mediation as well. For one thing, it is traditionally the best time to list your home for sale to maximize the market value. Most major holiday shopping is done, so you can evaluate your debt, and create a plan to address it. And, all of the end-of-year financial reports are in, so you know how much you earned/spent last year which gives you a good snapshot of your assets/debts and expenses going forward.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with our divorce mediation clients to create a fair plan for parenting and financial issues all year long. We break down the process into small manageable steps to reduce stress and make it affordable for you. So, if you are considering when to begin the mediation process -- now is a good time to start.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Introducing new Partners

11/30/2018

Some people come into divorce mediation vowing never to marry or even date again. Realistically and statistically, this is not what is going to happen. So, one issue that we address in the divorce mediation parenting plans at Westfield Mediation, LLC, is how and when to introduce new partners to your children after divorce.

This can be a sticky issue for both the ex-spouses and the kids. In our agreements, we include a section that says parents will introduce the kids to a new partner only if they are in a committed relationship. Psychological studies show that it is upsetting to children to meet a stream of new potential mates for their parents, so it is best to have some commitment to the person before bringing him or her around. Still, we leave it up to the parents to decide what “committed relationship” means. And sometimes clients want the relationship to be a specified length – 6 months, one year, etc. for it to count.

We also suggest to our divorce mediation clients, that you give the other parent a heads up before the introduction takes place. This way, he or she will be prepared for any questions or reactions from the children. Often, our clients want to meet the new person too to see whom their kids are hanging out with, though we remind them that they cannot choose their ex-spouse’s new friends, boyfriends or girlfriends.

As divorce mediators, we do not usually address how these meetings should go. However, we do note that many therapists have weighed in on the best way to introduce new partners to your kids, and it would be worthwhile to do some research beforehand to smooth the transition.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

The Mediation Plan

11/2/2018

Sometimes people come to divorce mediation with a plan. They say we have already talked about everything and we know what we want to do about the kids, the house, the money, etc. On the other hand, sometimes new clients come to us and say that they haven’t talked at all about anything and the only thing they have agreed upon is coming to this first meeting. Both kinds of clients can be good candidates for divorce mediation.

In divorce mediation, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we guide divorcing couples through the process and help them come to an agreement on parenting, the division of assets and debts, child support and alimony. For those divorcing couples who come to us with an agreement in mind, we make sure that their plan is complete, that they have considered all of the issues, that they understand what they are entitled to, and that they know what they are signing up for. Often, we find gaps in their plans that they had not yet considered. We help them by drafting a plan that is flexible enough to cover any changes that may arise with their kids, or their jobs, while also comprehensive enough so that they do not have to go back to court over the years.

We also provide valuable guidance for those divorcing clients who have no idea how to begin. We address their feelings of being overwhelmed and make the process manageable by breaking it down into small steps. We explain the options and take away the stress that comes with uncertainty. Together, we create a plan that works for their particular family.

Generally, there is more than one kind of candidate for divorce mediation. Whether or not a divorcing couple comes to mediation with a plan for moving forward, there is still much to be gained from the process.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Affordable divorce

10/5/2018

“Can I afford to get divorced?” A lot of people ask us that, and the answer is generally “Yes.” In divorce mediation, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we show our clients how they can afford to go through the divorce process, set up separate homes, and move on to a happier, less stressful place.

First, the process. While going through a divorce is never free, if you use divorce mediation, instead of costly lawyers for adversarial litigation, you end up paying about 10-20% of the price for a better, quicker process.

Second, establishing two homes. In most cases, creating two households from one costs money, but it does not have to be overwhelming. In divorce mediation, we guide our clients through the steps to ensure that they each have a new place to live that they can afford. We help divorcing couples lay out their assets, debts and budgets, so that they know what they have, and what they can reasonably spend in the short run. The fear of separating some expenses like health insurance, car insurance, credit card payments, etc., sometimes keeps couples in an unhappy marriage. However, separating expenses does not have to mean doubling them. There are ways to deal with these expenses that make them more affordable.

Third, moving forward. Focusing on the expenses of the divorce process sometimes blinds couples to the costs of staying in an uncomfortable, dissatisfying home situation. Living with conflict contributes to stress and has a negative effect on emotional and physical health. Going through a divorce to move forward with your life can easily outweigh some of the financial costs of the process.
For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

DIVORCE AND HEALTH INSURANCE

9/21/2018

It is not legal to be married to more than one person at a time. This is one of the reasons you have to go to court to legalize your divorce. Also, the government cares what box you check on your tax returns- married, single, etc. A third logistical reason that others care if you are legally married or not is eligibility for health insurance. Once you are divorced you cannot be covered by your spouse’s health insurance. It does not matter if it is open enrollment time or not. When you get divorced you become ineligible as a spouse. A divorce is considered a life-changing event (like the birth of a child) and can happen any time during the year.

There is a status of married- but not married and not divorced. It is called divorce from bed and board. It is a way for people to be unbeholden to one another financially and emotionally but still technically be married. This was developed as a work-around for people who wanted to get divorced but couldn’t because of their religious beliefs. They are still married to one another and are unable to marry a different person. This morphed into another work around- for people who want the technicality of being married for the purposes of maintaining eligibility for their spouse’s health insurance and not for religious reasons. Judges caught on and it is very difficult now to be granted a divorce from bed and board.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our divorce mediators help you figure out your plans for health insurance. Perhaps the cost of acquiring your own health insurance will be covered by spousal support? What is COBRA and how much does it cost? (Once you are divorced you are eligible to access health insurance through COBRA for a maximum of three years). Who is covering the kids? There are so many important issues that have to be addressed in a divorce. By using a mediator, you will make sure you don’t miss any and have covered them all, like health insurance.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

divorce mediation vs. arbitration

9/7/2018

Divorce mediation is different from arbitration. Divorce mediators do not act like judges -- they don’t decide for you what kind of parenting plan or financial arrangements you should choose. Instead, divorce mediators, like us at Westfield Mediation, LLC, let you decide what works best for you.

In divorce mediation, we guide you through the process to a fair agreement. We help you resolve your parenting and financial issues by making sure that you have gathered the relevant materials and information, and asking you the important questions for your future. We step in to make sure both spouses are heard, and have a voice in the process. But, we do not pick a plan for you.

That means that for divorce mediation to work, you need to have some ability to work together. Even if you cannot easily agree on all issues, you need to be compromise-minded. By guiding you through the divorce process, and letting you create your own agreement, we make sure that each of you have your say in the final product. And divorcing couples are more likely to follow an agreement that they have had input in creating than one that was decided for them in arbitration or litigation.

For more information about divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Divorce and Therapy

7/27/2018

With the divorce rate being so high, odds are that you know someone (or two or three) who has gone through a divorce. Divorce has become normal in our society. A person is not regarded as an oddity if s/he gets divorced. The same is getting closer to being true for being in therapy. It is becoming more accepted to get support for your struggles.

When going through a divorce, it is quite common to need therapy for yourself, your co-parent, your children, or any combination of the family. As divorce mediators, we often recommend therapy to our clients. You are not crazy or mentally ill for seeking help. You are doing the best you can for yourself and your children during a difficult time in life. This hardship is not forever and people tend to find that the tough times do pass in time. Therapy helps you cope better and get through the dips in life faster.

Some people are still resistant to the idea of therapy because of the stigma it may carry. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we offer our clients a list of qualified therapists in the area who are knowledgeable about the mediation process and the common struggles people encounter when going through a divorce. We explain that when you turn 100 years old and look back over the course of your lifetime you may acknowledge that the year you got divorced was a rough one. Therapy can make it a little less rough.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.