Our Divorce Mediation Blog

COMMUNICATION AND DIVORCE MEDIATION

1/18/2019

If you have kids then you will have to keep communicating with your ex-spouse after your divorce. With modern technology, you can text or email if you don’t want to have an actual conversation, but you can’t just cut the other person out of your life. One of the benefits of divorce mediation is that you communicate directly and in-person with your co-parent throughout the divorce process. This helps build the foundation for successful post-divorce conversations. If you choose collaborative divorce you have the option to talk directly with your co-parent or have your attorney speak on your behalf with you there. In a collaborative divorce both parties have meetings with their collaborative divorce trained attorneys present- a 4-way meeting each and every time. This can get very expensive and is not always needed if co-parents can be guided to speak with one another and not through another party. If you litigate your divorce then you each pay your attorneys to talk to one another about the divorce and you don’t communicate directly with your co-parent at all. This can get super expensive very quickly and make for a difficult rest of your life co-parenting relationship.

In divorce mediation, each person has the ability to consult with attorneys privately, in between mediation meetings. This allows you to attend mediation with knowledge and confidence about making important decisions in your life. Mediation also allows you to learn to speak directly with your co-parent about important and difficult topics. You start to see that not every conversation turns in to a WWE match. You build positive momentum and move forward towards a successful co-parenting relationship.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our mediators witness this transformation all the time. Couples who come in on very bad terms and barely speaking end the process with a divorce plan in place and open communication. They understand how to talk with one another and that they will have to do so as things come up about the kids.

For more information on divorce and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

when to get divorced

1/4/2019

There is no perfect time to get divorced. Still, a lot of our clients begin the divorce mediation process in the beginning of the year. And, in addition to the emotional reasons – following up on New Year’s resolutions for a new year, new plan -- there are some practical benefits to starting the process now.

If you are going to need a parenting plan as part of your divorce, the beginning of the year is a good time to start because the school year is in full swing and there are no major holidays to figure out for a while.

Financially speaking, the early months of the year are a good time to begin divorce mediation as well. For one thing, it is traditionally the best time to list your home for sale to maximize the market value. Most major holiday shopping is done, so you can evaluate your debt, and create a plan to address it. And, all of the end-of-year financial reports are in, so you know how much you earned/spent last year which gives you a good snapshot of your assets/debts and expenses going forward.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we work with our divorce mediation clients to create a fair plan for parenting and financial issues all year long. We break down the process into small manageable steps to reduce stress and make it affordable for you. So, if you are considering when to begin the mediation process -- now is a good time to start.

For more information on parenting or financial plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Introducing new Partners

11/30/2018

Some people come into divorce mediation vowing never to marry or even date again. Realistically and statistically, this is not what is going to happen. So, one issue that we address in the divorce mediation parenting plans at Westfield Mediation, LLC, is how and when to introduce new partners to your children after divorce.

This can be a sticky issue for both the ex-spouses and the kids. In our agreements, we include a section that says parents will introduce the kids to a new partner only if they are in a committed relationship. Psychological studies show that it is upsetting to children to meet a stream of new potential mates for their parents, so it is best to have some commitment to the person before bringing him or her around. Still, we leave it up to the parents to decide what “committed relationship” means. And sometimes clients want the relationship to be a specified length – 6 months, one year, etc. for it to count.

We also suggest to our divorce mediation clients, that you give the other parent a heads up before the introduction takes place. This way, he or she will be prepared for any questions or reactions from the children. Often, our clients want to meet the new person too to see whom their kids are hanging out with, though we remind them that they cannot choose their ex-spouse’s new friends, boyfriends or girlfriends.

As divorce mediators, we do not usually address how these meetings should go. However, we do note that many therapists have weighed in on the best way to introduce new partners to your kids, and it would be worthwhile to do some research beforehand to smooth the transition.

For more information on parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Parenting pLans and 529 accounts

8/10/2018

There has been a lot of buzz lately about the changing tax laws and the impact on alimony. (Essentially, after 2019, the paying party no longer has a tax deduction and will be taxed on the alimony he/she pays, while the receiving party is not taxed on this income.)

Another change in the new tax law -- getting less attention, but also important -- involves private school. Parents can now use funds in their 529 accounts to pay for private school tuition and books from elementary school through high school. This money used to be set aside for college or post-high school education only.

For our divorce mediation clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, we create a plan for all the parenting expenses, including education expenses. For some families, that includes private school. So, now this change in the tax code has to be factored in. Being able to pay for private school with tax free dollars may help some families. In addition, families with existing 529 accounts may benefit from being able to access this money earlier.

But there are potential problems as well. For example, divorcing parents who want to use their 529 accounts for private school will have to consider whether there is going to be enough money in these accounts for both private school and college for their children or whether they need to rethink their long-term savings plans. In divorce mediation, we work together with our clients to create agreements that are comprehensive enough to address their children’s needs through college, yet flexible enough to account for the changing financial situation of the family.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

SUMMER PLANS

6/29/2018

Congratulations! You made it through another school year. If you have a specific parenting plan in your divorce agreement then you know how your summer will play out for you and your kids. You know who is watching fireworks on the 4th of July with them. You know which week the kids will be with your ex-spouse so you can have some me-time. You know which week you are taking off of work to go on vacation or have stay-cations with the kids.
If you have a general parenting plan then you have no plans for the summer and some disagreements with your ex-spouse may be in your near future. At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we address specific summer plans at the time you are getting divorced, even if you are getting divorced in October. We know what is to come. We use our experience in the field to help families avoid future pitfalls. We know that if you do not address how you are spending 4th of July, then that first 4th of July both parents may expect to watch fireworks with the kids. One parent may want to go down the shore and one parent may want to go to the local park and avoid all the shore traffic. If the holiday was already designated in your divorce agreement then there is no discussion, you follow the plan. No stress no mess.
There is also the day-to-day schedule in the summer. Is it different than your school-year parenting plan? If so, how? Again, the couple in October who feels overwhelmed can’t think ahead to summer and plan. They may think they will just work it out when the time comes. But, in the blink of an eye, summer is now here and if you have no plan then you will still feel overwhelmed and possibly still be arguing with your spouse/ex-spouse. If you worked out a specific plan then, now you will be divorced and ready to start to your new life this summer following your detailed parenting plan.
For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Summertime plans

6/15/2018

School is almost out for the year! While many kids are doing their happy dance, for divorcing families, this change in the regular parenting schedule and the additional expenses of summer may be stressful. To keep things running smoothly, divorcing parents should work together to create a summer parenting plan that will keep their children safe and entertained.

In divorce mediation, we help divorcing parents create a flexible and fair blueprint for the summer. These plans may include a way to select weeks for summer vacations, and/or plans for paying for the expense of camps, activities, or town pools. Generally, we advise clients to plan ahead for the summer to coordinate work calendars and to ensure that the family has the resources in place to cover the extra summertime expenses.

Camps and other summer programs can cost a lot. And while most divorcing couples agree to share these expenses in some way, sometimes it can be worthwhile to devise a more detailed plan that includes spending limits to avoid future arguments about how much each parent should expect to spend on summer activities.

Summer should be a season of fun and relaxation. A stress-free summer is more likely if your parenting plan allows you to prepare ahead of time and set aside the time and money needed to make it work.

For more information about parenting plans or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Happy Spring Holidays

4/6/2018

Happy Spring holidays (Passover, Easter, Spring Break, etc.)! Many couples who get divorced using divorce mediation get along just fine and may want to continue to spend holidays and vacations together, especially when the children are on the younger side. If that works for you and your newly configured family- more power to you. So, parents may choose to not address how the kids will spend the holidays or school breaks or have something very vague mentioned about it in their divorce agreement. Again- that can work.

The role of the divorce mediator is not to stir up trouble but to point out to clients the potential pitfalls of not making decisions at the time of divorce. Yes, you are getting along with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse and can’t imagine being apart for the big Easter egg hunt. But what if 5 years down the road your new spouse and his/her family also have the tradition of a big Easter egg hunt and you want you and the kids to experience that. Or what if your new spouse is not so keen on spending holidays with your co-parent. If you have some vague plan or no reference to how the kids are spending Easter, then this can be a tough situation.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we encourage our clients to think ahead about worst case scenarios. You only have to follow the parenting plan and the designated assigned holidays if there is conflict. If your co-parent doesn’t mind the kids going to your new in-laws then go to your new in-laws and find those eggs, regardless of what is written in the divorce agreement. But if you disagree because you both want the kids to go to your respective Easter egg hunts then you have to abide by the agreement. No fuss because this issue was addressed long ago.

For more information on holidays in a divorce or divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Parenting and Post-Divorce Mediation

3/16/2018

Why do divorced couples go to post-divorce mediation? For some ex-spouses, the judgment of divorce is not the final step in an extended emotional process.

A recent divorce case in the headlines highlights the use of divorce mediation to resolve post-divorce parenting disputes. In this case, the divorced parents disagree about whether their child should play football in high school, with the mother wanting their son to play and the father objecting because of health concerns and their kid’s history of concussions.

In cases like this, family courts generally require the parents to go to post-divorce mediation to try to resolve their issues. Starting with divorce mediation is best for the family because going to trial is expensive and time-consuming. Also, if the parents cannot resolve parenting issues in mediation, the kids may have to be questioned by the lawyers, the judge, and/or state-appointed mental health experts, which can be stressful for the whole family.

Disagreement over the kids’ activities is just one topic of post-divorce mediation that we see at Westfield Mediation, LLC. Sometimes divorced parents return to mediation to discuss other points like schedule changes, college payments, finances and/or plans to move. Post-divorce mediation can be difficult and emotional, but if parents keep their focus on their children’s best interests, resolutions are possible.

For more information about parenting plans or post- divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

A Cost-Benefit Analysis of Divorce Litigation

3/2/2018

It is important to do a cost-benefit analysis before deciding to stop divorce mediation and start litigation. Maybe there is one thing you need to “go to the mat” and win your cause. But before you throw your hands up and say “no more mediation- see you in court” you have to stop and think that just because you go to court with what you think is a valid point of view of the issue at hand, does not mean the judge will see it that way and give you what you want.

A prime example of this is parenting. We have seen with our clients at Westfield Mediation, LLC, that often times during the course of the marriage one parent handles more of the day-to-day parental responsibilities than the other. Now you are getting divorced and your co-parent wants a 50-50 parenting plan. You might not trust that the other parent can all of a sudden handle 50% parenting time in a shared parenting plan. And you are willing to go to court to fight to have a majority of the parenting time. But at what cost and what gain? There are 4 weeks (lets call it 28 days for math sake) in a month. So instead of 14 days for each parent you want 22 days for you and 6 days for your co-parent. There is a lot of wiggle room between 14 versus 22 days and just because you go to court does not mean you are going to end up with 22 days. And the judge may see the co-parents point of view and you end up with 14 days each anyway.

Or you could stop counting quantity altogether and focus on the quality of time you have with your kids. If it is your parenting day but the day is spent after school driving from one activity to the next, doing homework, eating fast food somewhere in between and then bed, what have you really won?

So instead of spending a lot of money, energy and time going through the court system to possibly get a worse situation than what you could have gotten had you stayed in mediation and found some compromise within the wiggle room, stop and think what you will gain and what it will cost you to gain this. But let’s say the judge decides and grants you 18 days a month and your co-parent has 10 days. 4 days more/less than 50-50% parenting. Is 4 days a month on either side of the argument worth the court process? The court process is very stressful and takes a long time. Litigation is super expensive (college tuition expensive). And there is no guarantee you get what you want. Most people end up with some sort of compromise anyway, even if they go through the courts. But now you have no money left to pay for your children’s college education.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.

Changing the routines after divorce

2/19/2018

Getting divorced changes the family routines, and both spouses will often need to take on new roles and responsibilities that are different from how it used to be.

These changes in lifestyle can be difficult at first. For example, in some families one parent does most of the child care from arranging child activities and playdates, to helping with homework, to buying presents for birthday parties. After divorce, both parents may have to share these jobs; and it can take some adjustment on the part of the whole family to get comfortable with the new normal. Similarly, a divorced parent may want to take a vacation with their kids. The traveling parent may have to deal with the difficulty of going away without another adult, while the other parent needs to get used to the idea that the rest of the family went on a trip without him or her.

Significant changes also occur on the financial front. For example, one spouse may have taken on the financial planning, money management, bill-paying pre-divorce. Now, that there are two households instead of one, these financial responsibilities need to be taken on by each ex-spouse.

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, we help prepare our divorce mediation clients for these lifestyle changes. We explain that taking on these new roles and responsibilities may feel overwhelming at first. This is a normal and reasonable response. We encourage divorcing couples to seek outside help from friends and family and other support networks, especially during the transition time. We also suggest that our clients think of these changes as opportunities to develop new skills that will help them moving forward.

For more information on divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, M. Ed., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, at Westfield Mediation, LLC at 908.913.0373. View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.