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Dividing the HOlidays

11/27/2015

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With Thanksgiving upon us, divorced or divorcing families are now thinking about how they are going to spend and share the holidays this year.  Which house?  Who gets the kids?  Who buys which gifts?   

At Westfield Mediation, LLC, our divorce mediation clients often ask us -- what is the best way to deal with Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah and New Year’s Eve and Day?  There are several good options, and the answer really depends on your specific family traditions, and how close – geographically and emotionally – each parent is to his/her extended family. In divorce mediation, we craft a personalized plan for sharing or alternating holidays that works for your particular family.

​Still, it is important to keep in mind that divorce generally changes the way families spend the holidays. As a result, there will likely be times when your children are with the other parent, and not with you. The goal in divorce mediation is to address the scheduling issues up-front to minimize conflict and stress, so that everyone knows what to expect, and the holidays remain enjoyable and fun for all.  

Another issue that often arises during Christmas and Hanukkah is gift-giving. To the extent possible, we suggest that parents coordinate their gift-giving so that it is equivalent and fair. This way neither parent is viewed as the more generous one, and no kids wind up with unnecessary or duplicate gifts.
Everyone knows that the holidays can be stressful, and divorce may further complicate this family time. However, setting up plans in advance through divorce mediation can preserve the fun and excitement of this special time of the year.

For more information about parenting plans and divorce mediation, please contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, LMFT, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373.  View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com

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Revenge in a divorce

11/13/2015

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The last two books I read involved women who were getting a divorce and wanted revenge on their husbands.  Each wanted to punish him for divorcing her.  While I understand the emotional desire for justice, the law remains neutral and does not allow for revenge tactics in divorce proceedings.

New Jersey is a no-fault state when it comes to divorce.  That means that even if you can point the finger at the husband/wife and say to the world, “This is why we are getting divorced.  It is his/her fault, not mine, because s/he did xyz”  has no impact on the outcome of the divorce.  You do not get more time with your kids because your husband had an affair.  You do not pay less in alimony because your wife wanted the divorce and you did not.  Fault or no fault does not impact the outcome of the divorce. 

A while ago I had a couple at Westfield Mediation, LLC,  that were married for over 25 years and the husband was  already receiving a large portion of their financial assets.  However, this was not satisfying to him.  He was angry and wanted to make his soon-to-be ex-wife pay more, because she asked for this divorce and this is not something he wanted.  Rationally he understood the facts of the situation.  He was keeping the house in its entirety and could see on paper that in lieu of alimony he had 70% of the assets and she had 30%.  But emotionally this was not enough. Emotionally he was so hurt and wanted to hurt her the way that she hurt him. And the only way he thought he could do this was financially. He wanted financial revenge on her, for her causing emotional distress to him.  I had to explain that the law does not work that way.  Revenge makes for a good story plot in a book, but the judge won’t go for it in New Jersey. 

For more information about divorce mediation contact Randi M. Albert, JD, or Michelle Weinberg, LMFT, at Westfield Mediation, LLC, at 908.913.0373.  View our website at www.westfieldnjmediation.com or email us at info@westfieldnjmediation.com.
 

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    Authors

    Michelle Weinberg, M.Ed.,LMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with many years of experience working with couples.

    Randi M. Albert, JD, is an attorney with experience in family law and public service.

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